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At one time or another, we all become victims of bad advice. It’s easy to begin telling a friend or acquaintance of a problem that you are having, as well as what you are thinking only to be met with a negative reaction that does more harm than good. As friends of others, as well as those who are receiving advice, it is important to find ways to communicate more effectively, as well as find effective means to react in a way that will support and help those that are speaking.

The major reason why a bad diagnosis is made by a friend is because of communication barriers that are developed. While the other person may be thinking that they are able to create a scenario that will significantly change your life, you are listening with the words running through your mind that “you just don’t understand.” However, you can change the misperceptions that occur between two different people by understanding where the barriers are occurring.

Before diagnosing behaviors in order to determine new understandings, is a need to evaluate the intimacy level in which you can communicate at with the other person. Typically, you will want to create a social intimacy with someone in order to create an understanding. For example, you don’t want to walk up to a stranger and tell them one of your darkest secrets. Instead, you have to diagnose behaviors and communication by the level of trust that has been established. Finding encouragement from the other person, determining whether they are willing to listen to you and evaluating the face to face conversations is the first break in communication barriers for better levels of friendship.

When you feel that there is a level of trust that has been developed, you can then move to evaluating the behavior of others. This can help you to determine the amount of communication that is needed, as well as the ways in which you can communicate. The first evaluation that has to be made in determining the behaviors of others, as well as the communication levels that are occurring is by understanding the personality of the other person.

Typically, it is stated that opposites will attract to each other, meaning that your personality type will be the exact opposite of the person that you are speaking with. The result is a beginning of different perceptions because of the personality that is involved. If you can recognize and evaluate the personality of the other person you are speaking with, it will allow you to understand that the perception that is being said is simply coming from a different personality and viewpoint. This doesn’t only mean diagnosing who the other person is, but also understanding what type of personality you are. This will allow you to gain insight into ways that you may be communicating that doesn’t register with how the other person responds.

Beyond the idea of opposites attracting is also the understanding that there are over sixteen different personality types that are a part of friendships and relationships. This can include a variety of ideal ways in which people react as well as preferences for socialization. Personality types, such as introverts and extroverts, are often times part of a relationship that has to be evaluated. The more you understand about the personality type, in which you are interacting with, the more likely you will be able to communicate what is needed in a more effective manner.

After you can honestly evaluate the type of person that you are communicating with, you can then gain skills to allow others to know exactly what you are thinking and feeling. The easiest way to shift a communication barrier is by understanding what you need to communicate in order to be effective with what is being said. Being thorough in your explanations, explaining your emotions in relation to the situation and providing clarity with the responses can help to eliminate the barriers that are occurring.

After you have been able to define your communication skills, as well as the other individual’s personality type, you will then have more abilities to communicate effectively. This first diagnosis can lead to better abilities of communication by describing things in different terms and by trying to stop and understand what is being said from the other side. This will allow you to include what is needed in order to create deeper and more meaningful relationships that can help to build more effective conversations and ideals.

If you are unsure of the personality type, you can easily define what is occurring by simply observing the responses of the other individuals. This is an easy and effective way to learn how to communicate better with the other person. For example, understanding body language can help you to interpret and shift the communication barriers that are taking place. Simple things such as eye contact, hand gestures and shifts in the body will help you to determine when to change the conversation and when there is a genuine understanding of what is happening.

Beyond this, you can use communication through listening to the other person. The more you have the ability to understand what is being said back, the more you will have the ability to perceive the personality type you are dealing with as well as the communication that you can use most effectively in order to help the other person gain an understanding of what you are being said. You can diagnose the communication skills and your listening abilities through things as simple as the words that are being used and even the tone in which the communication is being stated in.

Creating a deeper relationship that has no communication barriers means truly evaluating the interactions between you and the other person. Developing an understanding of personality types as well as how you interact with the other person will stop any misunderstandings that so frequently occur among friendships. Developing new levels of intimacy and understanding among any person that you interact with can help you in a gaining of true understandings on a variety of levels among different individuals.

Joshua Uebergang is owner of http://www.Free-Relationship-Advice.org where he teaches people free relationship advice. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. He encourages you to get the amazing benefits you can receive in your life from developing yourself and communication skills by getting your free subscription to his communication skills newsletter here. Signup now and receive a special bonus.

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Sooner or later in our lives we all want to have an intimate relationship with our partner and begin to live together. There is a lot of talk on the legal side of things as well as relationship problems. Before you decide to move in with your new relationship partner or have them move in with you, firstly you must analyze moral values, habits, and financial issues.

One of the biggest primers in not living with a relationship partner is moral values. Mostly common for those with religion beliefs, these people believe living together gives temptations that will break those beliefs. The best cure is usually prevention and so these people prevent the temptation by having moral values and not diverting from them. If you are uncertain of how to address this issue in your relationship, instead of directly talking to your new partner about their moral values, ask about their religion beliefs and their beliefs on people living together before marriage. Talking to your partner about this primary issue is a must to successfully live together in a happy relationship.

The funniest thing for outsiders and the most frustrating aspect about living together with someone whom you have a new relationship with is seeing annoying habits in your partner you hadn’t seen before. If you’re a guy and you are use to seeing your girlfriend dressed beautifully for a Friday night out on the town or a relaxing dinner, you have been conditioned to see her in this nice spotlight. The times you see your girlfriend will probably be when she is “at her best”. What you often don’t see is her sick, in a crabby mood, or snoring louder then a pig snorting. Realize that the two of you will see qualities and behaviors in your partner that you have never seen.

It’s also important to sort out financial issues. Determine how the expenses are paid for and the income distributed beforehand. Who pays for household objects? How will you keep track? Think like a legal will. How will the assets be distributed should you split up?

Don’t think the two of you will not break up. When going into business partnership, it is dangerously common mistake to not seek out these issues with your business partner. I’ve heard lots of business stories where partners whom are actually best friends, have one business partner leave the partnership and legal battles result as they didn’t address these possible issues because “they would never split up”. Make a personal risk management plan where you prepare for “what if” problems that could result in future stress and financial problems.

Living with a new relationship partner doesn’t have to be torture or unsuccessful. Understanding the important issues listed in this article before making that big decision to move in together will prevent you from wrongly moving in together causing a break up or being unhappy with living together. Relationships aren’t meant to be miserable so don’t make them by making a wrong choice in living together!

Joshua Uebergang is owner of http://www.Free-Relationship-Advice.org where he teaches people free relationship advice. You can get more help for breaking up a relationship by visiting the site. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers.

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It is easy for a child to walk up to you and state exactly what they need or want. Later, you may notice that your pocketbook is empty, you are running your children around at all hours, and you don’t have the ability to finish exactly what you need. If you have become a part of this habit, you are most likely subjecting your child to a permissive parenting style. Understanding the boundaries to create, as well as the abilities that you should give your child can help you to be more effective in helping your children learn what is needed and will break this problem, instead of your pocketbook.

The idea of permissive parenting is based on giving your children exactly what they want, without setting the boundaries that are needed for healthy relationships or every day functioning. If you are using permissive parenting, you are most likely one who doesn’t practice the response of saying no or don’t limit what your child can or can not do.

Types of Parenting Styles

There are several types of permissive parenting styles that may be actively occurring in your family. The first is general confused permissiveness. This particular type of permissive parenting is the most common among all styles of parenting. This particular style creates a barrier between parents and their children. Most often, parents will not have an idea about what their children are going through both in a social setting as well as at home. The result is that the child or teenager has the advantage of getting whatever they ask for.

The second type of permissive parenting is compensatory parenting, meaning that the parent will try to compensate with the child or teen when they say they want or need something. This is said to be a psychological result that occurs with parents who grow up in homes that don’t have what is needed because their parents were too strict or because they did not have the material needs. The result is that the parents feel like they should give their child anything that they want or need in order to better their childhood experience.

Permissive parenting can also take other forms of psychological reactions as well. Conditional permissiveness is one that occurs when a parent is free to give the child what they want. However, when this is done, the parent will set conditions in order for the demands of the home to be met. Outside of psychological terms, this is often referred to as bribery that is not more explicit. For example, if a child receives good grades, does their chores or mows the lawn they will receive material rewards.

Indifferent permissiveness is the last type of permissive parenting that is known to be a part of this particular style. One example of this is if there is a parent or parents that are busy with their jobs, lives, and other activities. They become indifferent to their child by giving their child what they need in order to stay out of the way. Because they are so busy with their own lives or problems, they ward off their children by giving them what is needed materially, instead of being effective in their parenting.

All of these types of permissive parenting, while they can be used to certain extents, are generally going to cause a disaster to happen when used too much. It gives the child or teen a lot of room to take control over the family and to do what they want with no consequences. The result is that they move away with no life skills and come up with a belief system that is controlled over material goods. Some responses from children include low self-esteem, power struggles, and inabilities to work with the right expectations.

Getting Out of Permissive Parenting

If your definition of permissive parenting fits one of these descriptions, it is most likely time for you to begin to shift the environment of your home. While permissive parenting can be effective in some situations, it will most likely cause a negative reaction if boundaries are not established between you and your child.

The first thing that you will have to do in order to shift the permissive parenting style is to begin to set certain rules and decisions in place. This shows that the parent has the ability to tell the child what is acceptable or not acceptable in specific situations. All of these should be towards benefiting the child or youth and can begin to help them make concrete decisions that are reasonable.

The major concept to keep in mind with permissive parenting is that your child or teenager should be obligated to specific rules or limitations without being influenced by money, materialism or benefits. If you notice that there are inappropriate behaviors being shown or you notice that certain every day situations aren’t involved with what your child needs, then you need to begin to shift to a more balanced approach of parenting.

Learning the balance of parenting is not one that magically occurs over night. If you have found that you are beginning to get in habits that aren’t inclusive with what your child needs or conducive with specific rules that should be followed in your home, then it is best to begin to shift your role and your duties as a parent to one that teaches your child about specific ideas and expectations that are necessary. Beginning to shift an alternate attitude from permissive parenting will help to establish a better foundation of ideals for your child.

If you’re reading this right now and you’d like to learn more great parenting tips and strategies for raising happy children who have great relationships with you, then I highly recommend “Positive Parenting” which you can get today by clicking here.

You can reprint the above article provided all content, the links, and resource box remain unchanged.

Joshua Uebergang is owner of http://www.Free-Relationship-Advice.org where he teaches people free relationship advice. You can get more help & tips with parenting styles by visiting the site. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers.

Emotions are a fundamental reason we have relationships because of the satisfaction we get from interaction and the fulfilment of our needs it provides. Understanding emotions in your relationships helps you diagnose relationship problems. There is a peculiarity with emotions that they infect a relationship either damaging it or enhancing it. The impact of negative emotions in your relationship is damaging but knowing some tips to deal with such situations will give you fulfilling and intimate relationships.

Have you ever noticed how we feel in our interactions with other people are not just dependent on our internal self? How the other person is feeling, their body language, verbal communication, and the spoken words infect our feelings. Our emotions are not purely derived from our inner self, as people we interact with “inject” their emotions into us. Elaine Hatfield is a professor at the University of Hawaii and said, “We reflect what they feel.” I’ve coined this emotional injection to signify transferring emotions to other people in our relationships.

Emotional injection just doesn’t occur in other people injecting us with their emotions. We also influence other people by the feelings we are communicating. Aggressive communication like a loud voice, fast hand gestures, and a forward posture will infect the other person you are communicating too and often will make him/her passive or the person will reciprocate your aggression. This is what happens when a simple disagreement escalates into a larger argument. One person injects their aggression in their partner making this person also aggressive. The newly infected partner then becomes a carrier infecting other people or reciprocating the infection to the original aggressor. It’s a downward spiralling cycle that damages relationships.

You maybe thinking that if negative emotions can be injected into people, is it just a matter of being positive and that will contaminate the aggressive or unhappy individual?

Rarely so is this true. In most cases the positivity and forcing your emotions on the unhappy individual is more counter-productive then useful. Seldom does positiveness alone overrule negative emotions. It is a poor conflict management technique and effective communication needs to be learned instead of simply attempting to transfer your emotions onto other people.

A good foundation for decontaminating poor emotions in other people whom you have a relationship with is to connect at their level. It is an emotional lifting technique where you adjust your emotions to reflect theirs and then you can slowly raise your emotions and simultaneously theirs until reaching a desired level. You should not reciprocate their aggression or depression, but having a lower emotional level will build empathy and help them feel more understood. It also helps to learn how to be assertive and develop conflict management techniques. Having these skills will help you defuse others emotions you do not want in your relationship.

Knowing how to decontaminate poor emotions in your relationships will give pathway to positive emotions. Effective communication skills will present you with a profound ability to further destroy poor emotions in your relationships. Adjusting your body language and words to empathize with the other person and using other effective communication techniques is a great way to improve emotions in your relationships.

Joshua Uebergang is owner of http://www.Free-Relationship-Advice.org where he teaches people free relationship advice. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. He encourages you to get the amazing benefits you can receive in your life from developing yourself and communication skills by getting your free trial-subscription to his communication skills newsletter here. Signup now and receive a special bonus.

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“Opposites attract” is a law of attraction, at least where electromagnetism is concerned. But are there laws about attraction between two people?

“In a world that is full of strangers” as a line in a famous song of the 1980′s goes, is there a clear set of rules that allows two people to fall for each other?

Is attraction a matter of chemistry?

Maybe. According to scientists, the attraction between animals of the opposite sex is all about chemicals called pheromones. The effect of pheromones in behavior of insects is the most studied to date. It has been observed, at least in some experiments, that pheromones are responsible for communication among same species and colony of ants. The horrible odor released by skunks to ward off enemies is said to be a kind of pheromone. Some species of apes rub pheromone-containing urine on the feet of potential mates to attract them. Some scientists believe that animals (usually the females) such as insects and mammals send out these chemical signals to tell the male of their species that their genes are different from theirs. This gene diversity is important in producing offspring with better chances of survival. The perfume industry has capitalized on pheromones as a means to increase one’s sexual attractiveness to the opposite sex. Animals such as the whale and the musk deer were hunted down for these chemicals.

Lately, scientists are looking into the existence of human pheromones and its role in mate selection. There are many conflicting views in the realm of biology, chemistry, genetics, and psychology. Most scientists would assert that these do not exist, or if they do, do not play a role in sexual attraction between a man and a woman. But new researches such as that conducted by Swiss researchers from the University of Bern led by Klaus Wedekind are slowly making these scientists rethink their stand. Their experiment involved women sniffing the cotton shirts of different men during their ovulation period. It was found out that women prefer the smell of men’s shirts that were genetically different, but also shared similarities with the women’s genes. This, like in the case of insects and other mammals, was to ensure better and healthier characteristics for their future children. But researchers also cautioned that preference for a male odor is affected by the women’s ovulation period, the food that men eat, perfumes and other scented body products, and the use of contraceptive pills.

Does personality figure in sexual attraction?

Yes, but so does your perception of a potential mate’s personality. According to a research conducted by Klohnen, E.C., & S. Luo in 2003 on interpersonal attraction and personality, a person’s sense of self-security and at least the person’s perception of his/her partner were found to be strong determinants of attraction in hypothetical situations. What does this tell us? We prefer a certain personality type, which attracts you to a person. But aside from the actual personality of the person, which can only be verified through close interaction through time, it is your perception of your potential partner that attracts you to him/her, whether the person of your affection truly has that kind of personality or not. This could probably account for a statement commonly heard from men and women on their failed relationships: “I thought he/she was this kind of person.”

So how does attraction figure in relationships?

You have probably heard that attraction is a prelude, or a factor towards a relationship. Most probably, at least in the beginning; but attraction alone cannot make a relationship work. It is that attraction that makes you notice a person from the opposite sex, but once you get to know the person more, attraction is just one consideration. Shared values, dreams, and passions become more significant in long-term relationships.

So should I stop trying to become attractive?

More than trying to become physically attractive, work on all aspects of your health: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Physical attraction is still a precursor. Remember, biology predisposes us to choose the partner with the healthiest genes. Where your emotions are concerned, just ask this to yourself: would you want to spend time with a person who feels insecure about him/herself?

Probably not! There is wisdom in knowing yourself: who you are, your beliefs, values, and dreams. And do not pretend to be someone you are not. Fooling another person by making him/her think that you share the same values and beliefs is only going to cause you both disappointments. When you are healthy in all aspects, attractiveness becomes a consequence and not an end. As mentioned in the Klohnen and Luo’s research, a person’s sense of self-security matters, perhaps even beyond attraction. But remember: do these things for yourself and not for other people. Only then can you truly harness your attractiveness as a person.

You can get more free relationship advice online by browsing the site. You can also learn more about ways to attract men/women.

I want to firstly clear up a major parenting misconception. There is no one right way to raise a child. As with buying a car, becoming friends with your neighbours, or hanging out your clothes to dry, there is no one correct style you need to use for raising a healthy-minded child.

There a typically four parenting styles based on parenting research:

1. Low love/low limits
2. Low love/high limits
3. High love/low limits
4. High love/high limits

The love and limit parenting styles deal with how the parent disciplines their child/children.

Love means the parent disciplines using love such as comforting and negotiations. While limits means the parent disciplines using either passive, assertive, or aggressive discipline.

A short example of each of these limit styles are: Passive discipline is doing nothing; Assertive discipline is addressing the problem with you and the child coming out as winners such as negotiation; Aggressive discipline can be smacking the child.

You do not necessarily have one of these four parenting styles, but these are the major four and you do use both love and limits regardless of who you are. It’s about finding the right balance of love and limits that suit you and your child’s situation.

If you have a high love parenting style, then you’ll reason, talk, and spend more time with them.

If you have a high limit parenting style, you use your authoritative power. This is said to be more old school with techniques such as smacking and the cane. It also includes a more recommended technique, assertive communication. You attempt to establish the child’s discipline based on their respect for you and your desire for them to follow rules.

Of the four parenting styles, you use the one which feels “right” in your mind.

If your parents use a more high limit style and you felt this put you inline, then its likely you’ll adopt the same disciplining techniques. On the other hand, you could use a high love style because you felt your parents were overly aggressive when they used a high limit style.

Research has concluded that using a more low love/high limit parenting style is better then a low love/low limit style as children develop poor behavioral patterns from the low discipline parenting style. It is easy on you to use the low love/low limit style because you avoid any action and possible counteracts your child may give.

In one popular episode of Dr Phil, the Doctor was trying to solve a family’s disciplining problems. The mum whom he was talking to on the show had this mindset of not disciplining her children because they would perceive her in a negative light. Dr Phil got through to the mum by saying something along these lines, “That is an extremely selfish act by not disciplining your children because of their poor behaviour. You really are only caring about yourself.” The mum completely agreed and began to change her behavioural disciplining style.

However, do be careful with a high limit style that moderates the child’s behaviour as it is more controlling and not recommended if more assertive and loving styles can be used. No one likes to be put on a psychological collar, dragged around, and poked by the person controlling them. Do not use unnecessary control when effective communication skills can be utilised as it erects a barrier to communication and makes the other person shut you out.

As a parent, you need to utilise a high love style while finding the right limit style. In a situation where the child is under physical danger or some other major problem could result, you may need to be aggressive. When something needs to be done such as your children are noisy and they need to go to bed, an assertive approach is recommended such as, “Your squeeling (‘The why’ e.g. their noise) is making a lot of noise in the house and has made me angry (‘The what.’ Preferably a tangible effect for children).” Lastly a passive or low limit approach where you do nothing could be used when the child spills a drink provided it was an accident. Of course, you would clean the mess-up but you shouldn’t yell or punish the child for a simple accident.

Depending on the situation, you will need to vary the limit style. There is no set style to raise a child, except to have the style of variation. Be loving and be ready to adjust your limiting style to use passive, assertive, or aggressive behavioural discipline.

If you’re reading this right now and you’d like to learn more great parenting tips and strategies for raising happy children who have great relationships with you, then I highly recommend “Positive Parenting” which you can get today by clicking here.

About the Author: Joshua Uebergang is owner of EarthlingCommunication.com where he teaches people effective communication and personal development. He encourages you to get the amazing benefits you can receive in your life by developing yourself and communication skills by getting your free subscription to his effective communication skills and self development newsletter here. Signup now and receive a special bonus.

Do you know why you have ADD/ADHD? Because you are extremely intelligent! No, I am not being sarcastic. In fact, I could not be more sincere. Most people with ADD/ADHD (herein called ADHD) have such a strong interest in a great variety of things, they have a hard time maintaining focus on one thing at a time. Of course, there are additional reasons too, but I am here to tell you that every person I know with ADHD (friends, relatives, and students) have an extraordinary number of talents and are all extremely bright. So, why do so many students with ADHD struggle in school?

The traditional school environment is not very exciting for most students, but especially students with ADHD. What they (and some of their teachers) fail to realize is that school is not boring because the information is too complex. On the contrary…school is boring because there is often not enough activity to keep their active minds engaged.

One common characteristic of people with ADHD is that they learn best by doing; they prefer to get their hands on something and figure out how it works rather than read about how it works. They typically represent the epitome of “hands on, minds on” learners. However, in most school situations, there is way too much idle time sitting at desks.

Many parents of students with ADHD say that their children do best when they can be involved in class by helping the teacher or having some type of leadership role. They thrive on projects and the opportunity to investigate the answer to a problem.

Is ADHD Really a Disorder?

I have always hated the term “Attention Deficit Disorder!” My observations, from knowing and working with many friends, relatives, and students who have ADHD are that they just have to make some additional accommodations to function in our modern society.

For example, I am left-handed and the whole world is backwards for me. I can never use scissors without looking like I have a physical disability. I always get ink smears on my hand when I write because my hand glides right over the freshly written words. When I have to sign my name on a credit card machine, the stylus is always on the wrong side of the machine and my signature looks like that of a kindergartner. The desks in college were all backwards for me so I had to learn how to write on my lap and looked like I was hunchback.

Does this mean I have a disorder? Of course not! It just means that I need to make some accommodations and accept the fact that people will make fun of me when I use scissors or try to pay for my groceries. Technically, ADHD is a disorder because it is a medical condition caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain and can be treated medically, but the word “disorder” makes it sound as if there is something wrong with people who have ADHD. On the contrary. For most people, it is simply a process of making some adjustments.

What Are Those Adjustments?

There are an infinite number of strategies and tricks that may be helpful for people who have ADHD and most will be a matter of what works best for each individual. However, there are three factors that are key to making any strategy successful:

Develop healthy routines. People with ADHD have a hard time creating structure within their own minds, so they must rely on structure from outside sources and develop habitual routines to help them keep track of their responsibilities and belongings. For example, one man I know with ADHD explained, “I was always leaving things behind in restaurants and stores; my wallet, keys, jacket, briefcase, diaper bag, etc. So I started getting in the habit of looking back every time I left a table, seat, or check-out counter to make sure I didn’t leave anything. It works well. I haven’t left anything behind in years!”

Good routines to develop for school include using a planner, taking a few minutes at the end of every day to clean garbage out of your book bag and put papers in your folders, and gather everything you need for school the night before so you don’t forget anything in the chaos of the morning.

Find a mentor. When you are trying to develop routines and change habits to be successful in school, it is always helpful to have someone who can be your “sounding board,” who can help motivate you, and keep you focused. A good mentor should be a responsible and trusted adult or older student whom you trust; perhaps a neighbor, aunt/uncle, tutor, personal coach, community volunteer, peer counselor or student from a local high school or college. Try to avoid having your parent fill this role because you are likely to quickly perceive your parents as “nagging” you rather than encouraging you. A mentor may sometimes “nag,” but is often easier to take it from someone other than a parent.

Your mentor will help you identify some goals and check in with you every other day or two-three times per week to see what you are doing to reach those goals and offer you encouragement. They should be available to listen to you vent when you are frustrated and may have some suggestions to help you. Of course, your mentor will also be on hand to help you celebrate each of your accomplishments along the way, even the small ones.

Take it one step at a time. Try to figure out the one area that is causing you the greatest problem and work on this first. You may want to talk to your parents, teachers, and even your mentor to determine where to start. For example, if your teachers tell you that the main reason that your grades are falling is because you are not turning in your assignments, then you know that this is what you should try to improve first. Get help from your teachers, guidance counselors, parents, your mentor, and the free Homework Rx® Toolkit at our website to help you determine strategies that will help you with this one problem. Give it one or two months and then identify the next problem.

Do not give up! Everyone has moments when they fall backwards as they try to reach their goals; everyone from straight-A students to the CEO of a major company. This is a natural part of life. The key for anyone to be successful, however, is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep moving. You’ll see positive results very soon!

© 2006 Susan Kruger, All rights reserved.

Find more resources for homework help, including a free Homework Rx Toolkit, at http://soarstudyskills.com/. Susan Kruger, M.Ed. is a certified teacher and learning specialist. She combined her personal struggles as a student with her professional expertise to create a powerful, student-friendly system. She has taught her SOAR Study Skills workshops to hundreds of students with great success!

If you’re reading this right now and you’re a parent of a child with ADHD/ADD/ODD who liked to have the child behaving well, then I highly recommend “The Better Behavior Wheel” which you can get today by clicking here.

Big mistake: assuming that others communicate the same as you.

Have you ever experienced being able to relate easily and comfortable with certain people yet other people are difficult to talk to? This article explains how this happens and how to solve this important problem.

Many an important project has been derailed because of poor communication. Do not make the BIG mistake of assuming that others communicate the same as you. All people do not communicate alike. Recognize that about two thirds of the people with whom you interact have a behavioral style different from yours. To be effective with these two thirds, you must learn to recognize and adapt your behavior to theirs – and you will triple your ability to make friends and influence people.

You will then have powerful tools for:

1. Gaining Commitment and Cooperation

2. Resolving and Preventing Conflict

3. Building Effective Teams

4. Providing Awesome Customer Service

5. Gaining Influence

~Stan ==================================================

Lesson I – How to Be a Great Communicator

To be a great communicator you must first:

1. Understand your own communication style.

2. Recognize others’ communication style.

3. Purposely adopt strategies for more effective communication.

To easily understand behavior – observe whether a person is:

1. Introverted or extroverted

2. Task oriented or people oriented

This gives you four communication styles:

1. Extroverted and task oriented

2. Extroverted and people oriented

3. Introverted and task oriented

4. Introverted and people oriented

To become a great communicator, begin by observing yourself

1. Are you more introverted or extroverted? When challenged by a situation, do you hang back to see what develops and try to figure out the best way to handle the situation, or do you immediately step forward to meet the challenge? Note that neither approach is superior. They both have their advantages.

2. Are you task oriented or people oriented – more focused on getting the job done even at the expense of people, or is your first concern the reaction of the people involved?

3. Discover into which of the four categories (described above) you fall.

Understanding this about yourself will start you on your way to becoming a Great Communicator.

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Lesson II – Quick Method of Determining Your Behavioral Style

Knowing your own communication style is the first step in becoming a great communicator. It gives you a basis to understand to whom you naturally communicate well and what you need to do to connect well to people with other styles.

Take this quick assessment to understand your style. In each of the four category lists below there are 10 adjectives. Check all those in each category that would fit your behavior at work.

Read the four categories and select which adjectives come closest to describing you.

CATEGORY I

__Adventuresome
__Competitive
__Daring
__Decisive
__Direct
__Innovative
__Persistent
__Problem solver
__Results oriented
__Self-starter

CATEGORY II

__Charming
__Confident
__Convincing
__Enthusiastic
__Inspiring
__Optimistic
__Persuasive
__Popular
__Sociable
__Trusting

CATEGORY III

__Amiable
__Friendly
__Good Listener
__Patient
__Relaxed
__Sincere
__Stable
__Steady
__Team Player
__Understanding

CATEGORY IV

__Accurate
__Analytical
__Conscientious
__Diplomatic
__Fact-finder
__High standards
__Quality Conscious
__Patient
__Precise

HOW TO SCORE:

Count the number of selected adjectives in each category. The category with the highest total is usually the one that best describes your style. You may have a second category with almost the same score. That would be your secondary style.

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[Please note: the assessment offered you in Lesson II of this newsletter is a simplified and therefore less accurate assessment than that provided by longer, validated instruments. For a FREE, more accurate, refined and valid profile of your communication style, visit http://www.stanmann.com/free-assessment.html.

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Lesson Three – Understanding Your Particular Style

After having completed the check list from last Lesson’s letter, you have determined your behavior falls into CATEGORY 1, 2, 3 or 4.

IF YOUR BEHAVIOR IS LIKE CATEGORY 1:

Category 1 Measures your Dominance; how you meet challenges. We will now refer to this as Category D (for Dominance).

YOUR STRENGTHS ARE:

* Direct, results oriented
* Interested in getting the job done
* Enjoy challenges
* Like novelty and a fast paced environment
* A quick thinker
* A big picture person
* Have a lot of drive
* A natural leader
* Let others know where you stand
* Take charge

If your behavior is primarily described in category D, you are most likely a direct, results-oriented person who enjoys challenges. An extrovert, you are interested in getting the job done. You like novelty and a fast paced environment. You want bottom line answers uncluttered by details. These strengths make you valuable to an organization because you cause action, get things done, even if it involves taking risks. You have a lot of drive and can make a good leader.

Shortcomings of Category D:

However, you probably lack patience and cut people off with your direct bottom line approach. Your overriding concern with results tends to discount the people involved. You may be a poor listener and miss valuable insights from others. Under stress you may become insensitive.

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR EFFECTIVENESS:

You can improve your effectiveness by understanding that you need people. Learn patience and be less irritated when deadlines are missed. It would help you to be more tactful and concerned for the feelings and attitudes of others. People will be more cooperative when you explain your reasons for your conclusions. Endorse others for their contributions. Remember they like it as much as you. Genuine endorsement is a powerful motivator.

FLEXING YOUR STYLE TO INCREASE YOUR EFFECTIVENESS:

People more like yourself will respond well to your direct, fast paced, decisive approach. You don’t have to flex your style with these people.

However, you will do well to modify your approach to people who behave more like described in the other three categories. Learn the three styles of other people and flex your style accordingly.

Stan Mann, C.P.C. supports business owners, top executives and commission salespeople to substantially grow their business and have a balanced life. He is a Certified Professional Coach. For additional articles and resources please visit http://www.stanmann.com.

If you’d like to discover tips, techniques, and strategies to make friends and influence people, then I highly recommend “How To Make Great Conversation & Small Talk” which you can get today by clicking here.

“Dr. Fiore,” my 42 year old married patient (Mary) began, “once again my family expects me to host Christmas dinner and I am simply too exhausted; what should I do?”

“Why not tell them how you feel?” I asked.

“Because I don’t want to hurt their feelings – I always feel guilty if I don’t do what is expected of me.”

Lack of communication such as this among family members is the root of much conflict, hurt and misunderstandings any time of the year, but especially during the often stressful holiday season.

Mary’s dilemma is common: she wants to be a nice person and avoid conflict with family members. But, in doing so, she feels resentment and other negative emotions when she is overwhelmed or feels others are taking advantage of her.

Unfortunately, a failure to be direct and emotionally honest with people we love or care about can have long-reaching negative consequences. Failure to communicate often sends the wrong message about you, what you need and how others should respond to you.

The Elephant In The Room

When you have unexpressed feelings towards another, it’s like you are sitting on a couch with an elephant between you.

Neither wants to acknowledge the elephant, but its existence acts as a barrier to real communication. Ultimately, the elephant gets in the way of positive feelings between you and the other person.

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is the art of speaking in a reasonable tone with good eye contact. It’s based on using “I” messages (as opposed to “you” or blaming messages) while clearly stating your needs, feelings and requests.

Assertive communications invite listeners to work toward mutually satisfactory resolution of problems or conflicts, without assigning blame or offense.

Assertive versus Offensive

Remember: you won’t offend people if you stick to communicating your feelings, as opposed to telling others what they should – or should not – do!

Four Steps to Success

There are four parts to effective assertive communication – Here is the formula:

I feel ___________ when __________ because ________. I need ___________.

Step 1: “I feel” Start by expressing how you feel about the behavior. Stick to one of the five or six basic emotions: “I feel… overwhelmed, angry, hurt,” etc.

Step 2: “When” What specifically bothers you about the behavior or situation? Examples: “When the family expects me to do this every year,” “When it is assumed I will do it,” etc.

Step 3: “Because” How does the behavior affect you? Examples: “I feel pressured to do something I really can’t do this year,” and “It makes me feel taken advantage of.”

Step 4: “I need” This is the tough part for people like Mary who feel guilty simply letting others (especially family members) know what their needs are. “I need” has nothing to do with being selfish.

Instead, it means giving listeners a clear signal of what you want them to do differently, so they have an opportunity to change. Examples: “I need for the dinner to be rotated among the family.” “If everyone will bring a dish, I’ll cook the ham,” and “I need my sisters to come early and help with the setup.”

Applying the Formula

Does the formula always work? Of course not, but it works a high percentage of the time and it gives you a better tool to deal with situations than anger – which rarely achieves the desired results.

If it doesn’t work at first, try different variations using your own words. And keep at it. People often don’t immediately respond differently to your words because of previous established communication patterns.

Always make sure your tone conveys sincerity, clarity, genuineness and respect toward the other and his or her opinions.

Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter “Taming The Anger Bee” at www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports.

If you believe problems and disillusionment are inevitable, you’re right. Curiously, it is not the problems that create so much distress. Your relationship satisfaction will actually depend on:

• How you think about your difficulties
• How you manage your feelings
• Where you focus your attention
• How you act and communicate under stress

If you can change your conviction that your partner is the source of your unhappiness –if you can understand that struggles are not a sign of a failing relationship, if you can see your relationship as a journey along a path of development-then you will be well on your way to a more positive outlook.

In the pages that follow you will learn about the normal and natural stages and struggles that growing couples encounter. Equipped with this clear overview of the terrain you can redirect your efforts and energy toward a more vital, satisfying relationship.

Separate Selves No More: What Happens After You Fall in Love

Our professional research and practice has revealed a sequence of developmental stages that relationships go through over time. In the very beginning, two separate individuals, join together and form into a “we”. This “we” begins to exert a strong influence on the two individuals.

From this point onward, the balance between two individuals and the “we” will fluctuate due to the struggle between the need for autonomy of the individual and the desire for intimacy of the “we”.

Because you are two different individuals, you may not progress through the stages at the same time. The five stages that follow will help you know and identify the appropriate next steps and goals that can move you both towards greater intimacy while remaining true to yourself, your values, feelings and thoughts.

#1 SYMBIOSIS: EXCLUSIVE BONDING

This blissful merging of the two individuals into a “we” is known as symbiosis*. This is often called the romantic stage—a time to experience “oneness” and the ecstasy of giving and being given to by a special someone. The individuality of you and your partner is less sharply defined. In hindsight, you may notice that a significant part of your beliefs,behaviors and personality were temporarily suspended in order for the “we” to become primary. Differences were minimized, and similarities were emphasized.

You may have seen only the best parts of each other and experienced unconditional love. Love is, somewhat, blind. So far, so good. However, the “we” that forms is inevitably based in fantasy. The bliss of the powerful connection of symbiosis eventually fades, creating a need/opportunity for change. This crucial stage had a valuable purpose. This strong, exclusive bond provides a foundation of nurturance and trust—a resource you can draw upon as you journey onwards.

#2 DIFFERENTIATION: MANAGING ANXIETY OVER DIFFERENCES

Eventually as each individual re-emerges, differences between you begin to appear. Parts of you or your partner that may have been dormant begin to surface. Disillusionment and disappointment may arise as you notice each others’ imperfections.

The desire to spend more time alone or with other friends as well as the ongoing expression of different values, desires, and behaviors can become quite disturbing. This can be truly a difficult and stressful time. Some couples rise to the challenge by developing effective means of dealing with differences through healthy conflict management and negotiation.

More often, however, struggling couples attempt to solve this crisis by two ineffective solutions designed to return to the comfort of symbiosis:

1) hiding/denying differences to avoid conflict, or, 2) engaging in angry escalating arguments, hoping to convince their partner to agree in order to find togetherness.

Both of these may result in repetitive, stifling, unproductive interactions. Ironically, these same sources of tension also hold the greatest promise of personal growth and relationship evolution.

#3 EXPLORATION: MOVING FROM “WE” BACK TO “I”

When you are able to resist the pressure to return to a symbiotic state, you begin to reestablish your own identity and self-esteem that are independent of how your relationship is faring. The “we” loses its dominance – now the balance shifts strongly toward the individual. This vital and important stage can present a real crisis for each of you. It may well seem as if love and caring have all but disappeared.

To make matters worse, the timing may be different for each of you. The more one distances, the more the other may cling. If both of you distance simultaneously, you may feel more like roommates than lovers. You may feel isolated and emotionally disconnected. The objective of this stage is to redefine and sustain your identity under stress. This will bring greater richness to your relationship and form a new foundation for reconnection.

4 RE-CONNECTION: BACK AND FORTH PATTERNS OF INTIMACY

In this stage you have strengthened your identity and learned to maintain your own point of view without hostility. You think more productively about your differences and disagreements instead of having automatic negative reactions. A return to a deeper, more sustainable level of intimacy is occurring. This is often accompanied with an enlivened sexual relationship. Though there may be moments of back and forth oscillation, this is a time when a different quality to the “we”-ness comes into being – one which includes a respect for the existence of two separate individuals.

You feel much more supported than stifled in your relationship. You hear fewer statements of “I need” from your partner and hear more of “I would like” or “I really want.” When your partner hears a “no” from you, it will more likely be heard as an expression of who you are vs. a harsh barb of rejection. Every difficult discussion does not turn into a high wire act because of the increased tolerance of, and respect for, your differences.

#5 SYNERGY: INDEPENDENCE & INTERDEPENDENCE

Intimacy deepens as you increase your abilities to manage your emotional reactions when differences cause tension. You are capable of, and committed to relating in ways that are true to your most deeply held values and beliefs. You can actively support your partner’s right to do the same – even if this becomes inconvenient. The flow between the individual and the “we” is becoming easier… almost automatic.

The relationship is now more vital than either partner separately. Each benefits from the synergy and the “we” has an energy all its own. Partners desire to create and give back to the world. Deep intimacy, vulnerability and emotional sustenance abound.

As you might expect, these stages do not unfold in a smooth linear fashion. There is stress and angst along the way. But it might be encouraging to know you are very normal in your struggle.

* * * * * *
Note to therapists: This information is available in a brochure, with graphics to illustrate the couple’s progress from symbiosis to differentiation. The brochures are sold in packs of 25 for professionals to distribute to their couples who would benefit from a practical understanding of the developmental model. For information or to order them, click here.

* Adapted from Mahler M., Pine F., and Bergman A., “The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant.” New York: Basic Books, Inc. 1975.

© Copyright MMIV The Couples Institute

Dr. Peter Pearson and his wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. As therapists, workshop leaders, authors, and speakers, they are dedicated to helping couples create extraordinary relationships. They have been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including “The Today Show” and “CBS Early Morning News.” For more information including a series of free audio clips to help improve your relationship, visit www.TheCouplesInstitute.com.