Dealing with Controlling People
The worse thing in the world is to feel controlled and manipulated. Each waking day, our minds are challenged by forces that try to identify and dictates to us what we need to do. Whether we know it or not, the forces of manipulation and control are always at work even before we get out of bed in the morning.
As soon as we turn on the morning show to watch a little T.V. before we go to work, we are always dealing with control. There will always be influences that try to get you to give up a piece if your mental sovereignty. It’s like the famous saying… “A mind is a terrible thing to waste!” The issue and elements of control and domination is an element of life that people battle with on a daily basis.
Nothing is more challenging than putting up with people who have power and control issues. This is one of the mysteries of life, which is, how does this kind of behavior exist in human beings and how can this behavior be corrected to advance the world into better relationships between countries, families, friends and strangers. The answer is not an easy one.
Controlling behavior and people kill relationships and can actually cause angst and anxiety. Here in America, it can also be linked to status and social problems.
People who are controlling are actually fearful and scared. To them, it’s easier to go the route of controlling people instead of dealing with people from a level of self respect and dignity. To them, having a controlling attitude saves energy and time. These people have visions of acting like an all powerful God with an overruling dominance over the lives of others. Life, to them is no sweat when giving the commands rather then receiving them.
Gangs such as the Crips and the Bloods use the art of psychological control to intimidate weaker members of the gang and enemies of the gang. Controlling people violates the moral code of others without any respect to their human nature yet people allow them to continue to control.
Most of us are controlled on a subliminal level. There are mechanisms that were created to separate you from your money (loud television ads), national gossip magazines and journals (junk food for the mind) and other things that invade your peace of being. The result is a reaction to being controlled with trying to become controlling in our own lives. The result is negative.
All emotional and verbal abuse is looking for an element to control. It’s like a negative energy attaching itself to a positive energy only in a controlling atmosphere; it drains the life out of you. All people want the edge in life and they will use control and manipulation to get what they want. We’ve been taught materialism and capitalism promotes status. How wrong we are!
Behavior that attempts to control you – regardless of the intensity – breaches your emotional borders and becomes abuse.
Being used or using others in this level of abuse is more than the obvious problems. Bullying takes effect when someone is called a name or made fun of. It also is part of things such as temper tantrums. On more obvious levels, this abuse can be seen in forms of physical violence that is used to intimidate others. Intimidation and bullying can even take place at higher levels, where individuals will use their status to place themselves above others. Despite what many have come to believe, control and abuse have become a part of culture on several levels.
Subtle controllers, subtle manipulators
Emotionally mature people raise children with respect for the lives of others, dignity, self worth while making others around them feel comfortable. These people do not show their children how to hate, intimidate and control others that are different from them or others that they might want to use as a crutch for their emotions.
Subtle controllers can be the worst because they basically don’t talk at all but you can see their disposition in their actions towards people or another person. These are the individuals that you never want to ho to help for because they will hold it over you for 100 years or more and they will, in essence, try to control their relationship with you via money and materialism.
These types of people seem to be okay on the outside but on the inside of their heart, they are full of deceit and lying. Their type of behavior comes on display after the light is turned on in your mind and sometimes our minds are sending us messages that we fail to listen to.
A relationship or friendship with a controller is always unhealthy and will take eventually, lead to the person being controlled, seeking counseling for their problem. When you feel off balance and that you don’t have the freedom to be you or feel that something is rotten in Denmark, then it’s time to check and getting rid of situations that are fully of trouble and contempt.
Self Check Analysis – What goes around comes around
Sometimes, we can be controlling and not know it. If you do have that problem, consider these things:
- Am I sincere in what I’m thinking or doing?
- Am I trying to hold someone hostage?
- Am I being prejudiced?
- Do I hate the person for no reason at all?
You know what goes around, comes around. I am a firm believer in Universal Law and karma. The karma will follow you like a wet blanket until you realize that you have to be baptized into all truth. This truth is the truth about ourselves. Once we are baptized into the higher knowledge of divine knowledge of the soul, then a person has a chance to learn and grow within themselves.
Protecting Yourself from Controlling Behavior
The damage of being controlled even once by someone will persist as long as you remain in the presence is having active communication with the person. Even if the person has perceived to be changed, they could pretty much be the same lame person that they were before and even lamer this time around!
Keep yourself free from these people and you’ll see your environment and health improve.
Joshua Uebergang gives people free interpersonal relationship advice. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. Signup now to his free newsletter at: http://www.free-relationship-advice.org and receive a special bonus that will help you get great relationships.
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Solomon Sasson says:
Joshua Uebergang, Hi.
My name is Solomon. And I read the article above and your advice, and I want to thank you for them very much. So thanks a lot, friend.
I have a controlling (elder) sister. She is also married to a guy who is just like her and maybe worse even. Still, my sister is the “scheming” one among the two.
Countless times in my life, I’ve been in fights with her and her husband, because they’ve not respected my personal boundaries, my opinions and choices. Time and again, they’ve brought criticism, hurt and heartache into my life. Often, they hurt my self esteem by taking blows at my self-worth.
Like you stated above, I’d forgiven them many times in the past, and “patched” things together… but, like a broken record, they continued behaving in thier controlling manner and repeating their bad behavior.
I agree you you, Sir. I think NOT being with these people is the best course. It is too much of an emotional struggle and too much emotional drain, to constantly deal with such people, who give off only “unhealthy vibes” towards others and keep doing so.
You know, when a controlling person is your boss, or your friend or some aqquiantance, I guess, it’s easier. You can (choose to) leave the job or end the friendship.
But what do you do, when the controlling people are from one’s OWN family? That hurts even more, in my opinion.
I’ve come to the conclusion, that being in any sort of relationship with my controlling sister and her husband, simply costs too much. They’ve brought unhealthiness into my life, too often.
It’s no easy life anyway. Controlling people just make even more difficult. I’ve now read a couple of articles in the net about how to deal with control freaks. But, I do sincerly think, that the best advice is that which says to not be in connection with these types of people.
With my experiences, I agree with this advice.
Thank you for the advice, my friend.
I think this should be shared with many people, who are suffering and being hurt at the hands of controlling people.
Thank you, brother.
Yours sincerly, Solomon.
Wednesday, 15 October 2008 @ 4:41am
fran says:
What can I do with a husband who is controlled by his family, – especially the females. He and his family are Jewish. I am not. I don’t know if being Jewish has anything to do with it but they come first and I come last in everything. Please help!
Thank you
Saturday, 24 October 2009 @ 6:18pm
peaches says:
I have been married to a controlling spouse for 10 years. This person has drained me emotinally and I am losing my self confidence and
most of the time. He says I am not beautiful and am dumb. I can’t break my marriage be’cos of my 2 kids and the impact the divorce will have on them. Everytime I am forced to listen and cave into every thing he says or asks me to do. If I put my foot down and refuse to oblige he becomes very 
and stops talking to me for several days and makes my life miserable. Please advice how I can react to such a person.
Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 3:42pm
Mari says:
I have a controlling boss. I know that jobs are difficult to find, especially in my field. She yells constantly, like today she asked a question I couldn’t know the answer to and then yelled at me for not knowing. She consistently contradicts herself. She acuses constantly and doesn’t give an opportunity to find out if her accusations are true. She does it worse to me, I think because I defended a co-worker when she (the boss) was doing it to her (the co-worker). I have had problems previously with other controlling people and go into the scapegoat’s role easily. What should I do. Jobs are scarce. She invited me to go over her head–should i do so. The others in the office tend to yes, mam her. By the way, the other staff are either the opposite sex as her or the same race as she is. I want to know ways to deal with controlling people beside just leaving because I could just as easily be “controlled” again.
Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 8:26pm
tashi says:
I have been dealing with controlling people all my life. At first i thought what they were doing was right cause children dont really have a good sense of what is appropriate and what is not. As I grew older and had exposer to other peoples interpersonal relationships I knew something was wrong. Also I tend to question and think outside the box so its easy for me to see where a person is truly coming from. I developed this as I matured.
I am in touch with my feelings and know when something does not feel right it usually is not . I maintained respect for my feelings even thou the people in charge of my care did not. That was very painful but at least im not like them as an adult. Therapy and self-care education,and analysis have allowed me to grow and evolve into a kind mature adult. I do not have much support from the outside cause these people are seen as pillars in society. I got labeled a defiant child thats crazy and ungrateful. I have no choice but to nurture my self-esteem.
I know the truth and I am wise enough and courageous enough to know things are not what they seem and sometimes neither are people. Control freaks are typical people that were abused as a child were crushed emotionally and never matured in that way .They are always mean people. I take special care not to let them control me. I also take special care not to hate them, cause if they cant control you they want you to be miserable as they. They they know they ain’t crap and they are jealous of people who are not like them. They pretend to be deficient human beings. Its all a show. If anyone is in a relationship with someone like that for the sake of your sanity and self-respect, limit exposure or brake ties all together f your not financially dependent on them. Prepare yourself to be independent of them. Emotionally you DONT! need them they are weak. Happiness is the absence of bad feelings, not an antagonistic family member or spouse.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010 @ 10:02pm
jb says:
Here is my story about a controlling boyfriend however I didn’t realize how much I have been controlled all my life.
Here is a list of how my boyfriend is trying to control me:
When I try to talk David interrupts me as if I wasn’t talking. In other words he starts talking immediately after I start talking, drowning out my words. We could sit for minutes without saying a word then all of a sudden I speak up but he starts talking over me.
David is good at manipulation. If anything goes wrong its my fault.
If I don’t see David for a day or two he claims that I am seeing another man. I don’t use the word accuse because David has repetitively said that he has never accused me of anything. Bull.
When I stand up for myself he claims that I am the angry one. David has worked me into a frenzy several times by
devaluating me.
David has trouble setting up and respecting healthy boundaries. He wants in my space all the time which drains all my energy. I need my space for privacy and time alone which has nothing to do with me not liking David.
I shared deep secrets with David. At the time I didn’t know he was a controlling person. Since he has repetitively used my secrets to control me by stabbing me in the back. He will use these secrets against me for the next 100 years.
Often I have adjusted my plans to fit into David’s plans. In other words he has bullied me into thinking his plans are better.
I have altered my personality because David didn’t like me speaking to other men. I have always been a very friendly outgoing person. I enjoy speaking and carrying on a conversation with both men and women. My closest friends notice that I don’t have the bubbley personality that I once had.
I feel that a huge chunk of me has be severed. I feel robbed, betrayed by someone who I thought I could trust.
Sometimes David gets a little dramatic about things.
It is taking all my waking time to understand or stop a controlling person. I guess David would be happy knowing that he has put me through such agony.
David is very creative as to his next strategy on how to manipulate me. He evens accuses me of being controlling.
The next part is about my sister:
My older sister was controlling all of my life. She did terrible nasty things to me while growing up. I cannot believe that I actually looked up to her for guidance. I got so misled by her wicked ways. She was very jealous of me. I did not realize all this growing up. I took it in stride as if it were normal.
I haven’t spoken to my sister in over five years. She is an alcoholic and bi-polar. Before then every time I would try to talk with her she would walk away. Before that she was pitting one family member against another. Saying one wasn’t worth anything to another. She almost destroyed our family.
I just realized that year before last before I met David that I dated a controlling guy. I didn’t realize that at the time either.
Tuesday, 9 February 2010 @ 1:22am
Suzann says:
Just googled this subject and found an excellent answer. My sister is the least communicative person I know and very controlling. I never know what she is currently angry about so I ignore it and move on. Really immature behavior, she is 62 years old!
I’ve discovered that she blabs everything I tell her to whomever is around, but now I understand how fearful she really is.
I live in the same apt building as her but will move elsewhere soon. At that point I will feel less controlled and ’spyed upon’; I wish it were otherwise but looking back, it has been this way since we were teenagers. Such is luck, I doubt she will ever change.
Thanks for a great post, it has helped a lot!
Suzann
Thursday, 11 February 2010 @ 1:47pm