Comments on: Dealing with Controlling People

By: LD

LD — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 07:59:55 +0000

I have been having trouble with my controlling inlaws for over 10 years. The biggest problem is their asian and its sort of acceptable in their culture. They are not happy unless its their way. Even if the request is totally ridiculous and pointless. We need to find a way to let them think that they are in charge, but not have to run around and do all of their bidding. Any ideas would be appreciated.

By: Krista

Krista — Wed, 12 May 2010 21:38:34 +0000

I’ve had difficulties with controlling people my entire life too. I feel sometimes like I’m a magnet to them. Recently, it’s been my sister again. At one point in time, we didn’t speak for 2-years and that caused problems with our entire family. The only thing I can suggest that works for me and I’m sure would work for others as well is to immediately respond to a controlling question or statement. Do not be afraid of conflict because that’s what their counting on, for you to back done. If she says something I don’t like, I change subjects or answer vaguely, if she continues, I tell her I am not happy with the way she is talking to me. If it escalates, I say have a great day and end the conversation. I will no longer allow her to get away with probing, personal questions or statements that are none of her business and if I don’t feel respected, I have little to do with people that act this way. Do not be afraid to speak up and follow your instincts. They are right.

By: Suzann

Suzann — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 19:47:45 +0000

Just googled this subject and found an excellent answer. My sister is the least communicative person I know and very controlling. I never know what she is currently angry about so I ignore it and move on. Really immature behavior, she is 62 years old!

I’ve discovered that she blabs everything I tell her to whomever is around, but now I understand how fearful she really is.

I live in the same apt building as her but will move elsewhere soon. At that point I will feel less controlled and ‘spyed upon’; I wish it were otherwise but looking back, it has been this way since we were teenagers. Such is luck, I doubt she will ever change.

Thanks for a great post, it has helped a lot!
Suzann

By: jb

jb — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 07:22:18 +0000

Here is my story about a controlling boyfriend however I didn’t realize how much I have been controlled all my life.
Here is a list of how my boyfriend is trying to control me:
When I try to talk David interrupts me as if I wasn’t talking. In other words he starts talking immediately after I start talking, drowning out my words. We could sit for minutes without saying a word then all of a sudden I speak up but he starts talking over me.
David is good at manipulation. If anything goes wrong its my fault.
If I don’t see David for a day or two he claims that I am seeing another man. I don’t use the word accuse because David has repetitively said that he has never accused me of anything. Bull.
When I stand up for myself he claims that I am the angry one. David has worked me into a frenzy several times by
devaluating me.
David has trouble setting up and respecting healthy boundaries. He wants in my space all the time which drains all my energy. I need my space for privacy and time alone which has nothing to do with me not liking David.
I shared deep secrets with David. At the time I didn’t know he was a controlling person. Since he has repetitively used my secrets to control me by stabbing me in the back. He will use these secrets against me for the next 100 years.
Often I have adjusted my plans to fit into David’s plans. In other words he has bullied me into thinking his plans are better.
I have altered my personality because David didn’t like me speaking to other men. I have always been a very friendly outgoing person. I enjoy speaking and carrying on a conversation with both men and women. My closest friends notice that I don’t have the bubbley personality that I once had.
I feel that a huge chunk of me has be severed. I feel robbed, betrayed by someone who I thought I could trust.
Sometimes David gets a little dramatic about things.
It is taking all my waking time to understand or stop a controlling person. I guess David would be happy knowing that he has put me through such agony.
David is very creative as to his next strategy on how to manipulate me. He evens accuses me of being controlling.

The next part is about my sister:
My older sister was controlling all of my life. She did terrible nasty things to me while growing up. I cannot believe that I actually looked up to her for guidance. I got so misled by her wicked ways. She was very jealous of me. I did not realize all this growing up. I took it in stride as if it were normal.
I haven’t spoken to my sister in over five years. She is an alcoholic and bi-polar. Before then every time I would try to talk with her she would walk away. Before that she was pitting one family member against another. Saying one wasn’t worth anything to another. She almost destroyed our family.

I just realized that year before last before I met David that I dated a controlling guy. I didn’t realize that at the time either.

By: tashi

tashi — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 04:02:30 +0000

I have been dealing with controlling people all my life. At first i thought what they were doing was right cause children dont really have a good sense of what is appropriate and what is not. As I grew older and had exposer to other peoples interpersonal relationships I knew something was wrong. Also I tend to question and think outside the box so its easy for me to see where a person is truly coming from. I developed this as I matured.

I am in touch with my feelings and know when something does not feel right it usually is not . I maintained respect for my feelings even thou the people in charge of my care did not. That was very painful but at least im not like them as an adult. Therapy and self-care education,and analysis have allowed me to grow and evolve into a kind mature adult. I do not have much support from the outside cause these people are seen as pillars in society. I got labeled a defiant child thats crazy and ungrateful. I have no choice but to nurture my self-esteem.

I know the truth and I am wise enough and courageous enough to know things are not what they seem and sometimes neither are people. Control freaks are typical people that were abused as a child were crushed emotionally and never matured in that way .They are always mean people. I take special care not to let them control me. I also take special care not to hate them, cause if they cant control you they want you to be miserable as they. They they know they ain’t crap and they are jealous of people who are not like them. They pretend to be deficient human beings. Its all a show. If anyone is in a relationship with someone like that for the sake of your sanity and self-respect, limit exposure or brake ties all together f your not financially dependent on them. Prepare yourself to be independent of them. Emotionally you DONT! need them they are weak. Happiness is the absence of bad feelings, not an antagonistic family member or spouse.

By: Mari

Mari — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:26:44 +0000

I have a controlling boss. I know that jobs are difficult to find, especially in my field. She yells constantly, like today she asked a question I couldn’t know the answer to and then yelled at me for not knowing. She consistently contradicts herself. She acuses constantly and doesn’t give an opportunity to find out if her accusations are true. She does it worse to me, I think because I defended a co-worker when she (the boss) was doing it to her (the co-worker). I have had problems previously with other controlling people and go into the scapegoat’s role easily. What should I do. Jobs are scarce. She invited me to go over her head–should i do so. The others in the office tend to yes, mam her. By the way, the other staff are either the opposite sex as her or the same race as she is. I want to know ways to deal with controlling people beside just leaving because I could just as easily be “controlled” again.

By: peaches

peaches — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 21:42:23 +0000

I have been married to a controlling spouse for 10 years. This person has drained me emotinally and I am losing my self confidence and most of the time. He says I am not beautiful and am dumb. I can’t break my marriage be’cos of my 2 kids and the impact the divorce will have on them. Everytime I am forced to listen and cave into every thing he says or asks me to do. If I put my foot down and refuse to oblige he becomes very and stops talking to me for several days and makes my life miserable. Please advice how I can react to such a person.

By: fran

fran — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 00:18:54 +0000

What can I do with a husband who is controlled by his family, – especially the females. He and his family are Jewish. I am not. I don’t know if being Jewish has anything to do with it but they come first and I come last in everything. Please help!

Thank you

By: Solomon Sasson

Solomon Sasson — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 10:41:39 +0000

Joshua Uebergang, Hi.
My name is Solomon. And I read the article above and your advice, and I want to thank you for them very much. So thanks a lot, friend.
I have a controlling (elder) sister. She is also married to a guy who is just like her and maybe worse even. Still, my sister is the “scheming” one among the two.
Countless times in my life, I’ve been in fights with her and her husband, because they’ve not respected my personal boundaries, my opinions and choices. Time and again, they’ve brought criticism, hurt and heartache into my life. Often, they hurt my self esteem by taking blows at my self-worth.
Like you stated above, I’d forgiven them many times in the past, and “patched” things together… but, like a broken record, they continued behaving in thier controlling manner and repeating their bad behavior.

I agree you you, Sir. I think NOT being with these people is the best course. It is too much of an emotional struggle and too much emotional drain, to constantly deal with such people, who give off only “unhealthy vibes” towards others and keep doing so.

You know, when a controlling person is your boss, or your friend or some aqquiantance, I guess, it’s easier. You can (choose to) leave the job or end the friendship.
But what do you do, when the controlling people are from one’s OWN family? That hurts even more, in my opinion.

I’ve come to the conclusion, that being in any sort of relationship with my controlling sister and her husband, simply costs too much. They’ve brought unhealthiness into my life, too often.
It’s no easy life anyway. Controlling people just make even more difficult. I’ve now read a couple of articles in the net about how to deal with control freaks. But, I do sincerly think, that the best advice is that which says to not be in connection with these types of people.
With my experiences, I agree with this advice.

Thank you for the advice, my friend.
I think this should be shared with many people, who are suffering and being hurt at the hands of controlling people.

Thank you, brother.
Yours sincerly, Solomon.