“Why not tell them how you feel?” I asked.

“Because I don’t want to hurt their feelings – I always feel guilty if I don’t do what is expected of me.”

Lack of communication such as this among family members is the root of much conflict, hurt and misunderstandings any time of the year, but especially during the often stressful holiday season.

Mary’s dilemma is common: she wants to be a nice person and avoid conflict with family members. But, in doing so, she feels resentment and other negative emotions when she is overwhelmed or feels others are taking advantage of her.

Unfortunately, a failure to be direct and emotionally honest with people we love or care about can have long-reaching negative consequences. Failure to communicate often sends the wrong message about you, what you need and how others should respond to you.

The Elephant In The Room

When you have unexpressed feelings towards another, it’s like you are sitting on a couch with an elephant between you.

Neither wants to acknowledge the elephant, but its existence acts as a barrier to real communication. Ultimately, the elephant gets in the way of positive feelings between you and the other person.

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is the art of speaking in a reasonable tone with good eye contact. It’s based on using “I” messages (as opposed to “you” or blaming messages) while clearly stating your needs, feelings and requests.

Assertive communications invite listeners to work toward mutually satisfactory resolution of problems or conflicts, without assigning blame or offense.

Assertive versus Offensive

Remember: you won’t offend people if you stick to communicating your feelings, as opposed to telling others what they should – or should not – do!

Four Steps to Success

There are four parts to effective assertive communication – Here is the formula:

I feel ___________ when __________ because ________. I need ___________.

Step 1: “I feel” Start by expressing how you feel about the behavior. Stick to one of the five or six basic emotions: “I feel… overwhelmed, angry, hurt,” etc.

Step 2: “When” What specifically bothers you about the behavior or situation? Examples: “When the family expects me to do this every year,” “When it is assumed I will do it,” etc.

Step 3: “Because” How does the behavior affect you? Examples: “I feel pressured to do something I really can’t do this year,” and “It makes me feel taken advantage of.”

Step 4: “I need” This is the tough part for people like Mary who feel guilty simply letting others (especially family members) know what their needs are. “I need” has nothing to do with being selfish.

Instead, it means giving listeners a clear signal of what you want them to do differently, so they have an opportunity to change. Examples: “I need for the dinner to be rotated among the family.” “If everyone will bring a dish, I’ll cook the ham,” and “I need my sisters to come early and help with the setup.”

Applying the Formula

Does the formula always work? Of course not, but it works a high percentage of the time and it gives you a better tool to deal with situations than anger – which rarely achieves the desired results.

If it doesn’t work at first, try different variations using your own words. And keep at it. People often don’t immediately respond differently to your words because of previous established communication patterns.

Always make sure your tone conveys sincerity, clarity, genuineness and respect toward the other and his or her opinions.

Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter “Taming The Anger Bee” at www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports.

• How you think about your difficulties
• How you manage your feelings
• Where you focus your attention
• How you act and communicate under stress

If you can change your conviction that your partner is the source of your unhappiness –if you can understand that struggles are not a sign of a failing relationship, if you can see your relationship as a journey along a path of development-then you will be well on your way to a more positive outlook.

In the pages that follow you will learn about the normal and natural stages and struggles that growing couples encounter. Equipped with this clear overview of the terrain you can redirect your efforts and energy toward a more vital, satisfying relationship.

Separate Selves No More: What Happens After You Fall in Love

Our professional research and practice has revealed a sequence of developmental stages that relationships go through over time. In the very beginning, two separate individuals, join together and form into a “we”. This “we” begins to exert a strong influence on the two individuals.

From this point onward, the balance between two individuals and the “we” will fluctuate due to the struggle between the need for autonomy of the individual and the desire for intimacy of the “we”.

Because you are two different individuals, you may not progress through the stages at the same time. The five stages that follow will help you know and identify the appropriate next steps and goals that can move you both towards greater intimacy while remaining true to yourself, your values, feelings and thoughts.

#1 SYMBIOSIS: EXCLUSIVE BONDING

This blissful merging of the two individuals into a “we” is known as symbiosis*. This is often called the romantic stage—a time to experience “oneness” and the ecstasy of giving and being given to by a special someone. The individuality of you and your partner is less sharply defined. In hindsight, you may notice that a significant part of your beliefs,behaviors and personality were temporarily suspended in order for the “we” to become primary. Differences were minimized, and similarities were emphasized.

You may have seen only the best parts of each other and experienced unconditional love. Love is, somewhat, blind. So far, so good. However, the “we” that forms is inevitably based in fantasy. The bliss of the powerful connection of symbiosis eventually fades, creating a need/opportunity for change. This crucial stage had a valuable purpose. This strong, exclusive bond provides a foundation of nurturance and trust—a resource you can draw upon as you journey onwards.

#2 DIFFERENTIATION: MANAGING ANXIETY OVER DIFFERENCES

Eventually as each individual re-emerges, differences between you begin to appear. Parts of you or your partner that may have been dormant begin to surface. Disillusionment and disappointment may arise as you notice each others’ imperfections.

The desire to spend more time alone or with other friends as well as the ongoing expression of different values, desires, and behaviors can become quite disturbing. This can be truly a difficult and stressful time. Some couples rise to the challenge by developing effective means of dealing with differences through healthy conflict management and negotiation.

More often, however, struggling couples attempt to solve this crisis by two ineffective solutions designed to return to the comfort of symbiosis:

1) hiding/denying differences to avoid conflict, or, 2) engaging in angry escalating arguments, hoping to convince their partner to agree in order to find togetherness.

Both of these may result in repetitive, stifling, unproductive interactions. Ironically, these same sources of tension also hold the greatest promise of personal growth and relationship evolution.

#3 EXPLORATION: MOVING FROM “WE” BACK TO “I”

When you are able to resist the pressure to return to a symbiotic state, you begin to reestablish your own identity and self-esteem that are independent of how your relationship is faring. The “we” loses its dominance – now the balance shifts strongly toward the individual. This vital and important stage can present a real crisis for each of you. It may well seem as if love and caring have all but disappeared.

To make matters worse, the timing may be different for each of you. The more one distances, the more the other may cling. If both of you distance simultaneously, you may feel more like roommates than lovers. You may feel isolated and emotionally disconnected. The objective of this stage is to redefine and sustain your identity under stress. This will bring greater richness to your relationship and form a new foundation for reconnection.

4 RE-CONNECTION: BACK AND FORTH PATTERNS OF INTIMACY

In this stage you have strengthened your identity and learned to maintain your own point of view without hostility. You think more productively about your differences and disagreements instead of having automatic negative reactions. A return to a deeper, more sustainable level of intimacy is occurring. This is often accompanied with an enlivened sexual relationship. Though there may be moments of back and forth oscillation, this is a time when a different quality to the “we”-ness comes into being – one which includes a respect for the existence of two separate individuals.

You feel much more supported than stifled in your relationship. You hear fewer statements of “I need” from your partner and hear more of “I would like” or “I really want.” When your partner hears a “no” from you, it will more likely be heard as an expression of who you are vs. a harsh barb of rejection. Every difficult discussion does not turn into a high wire act because of the increased tolerance of, and respect for, your differences.

#5 SYNERGY: INDEPENDENCE & INTERDEPENDENCE

Intimacy deepens as you increase your abilities to manage your emotional reactions when differences cause tension. You are capable of, and committed to relating in ways that are true to your most deeply held values and beliefs. You can actively support your partner’s right to do the same – even if this becomes inconvenient. The flow between the individual and the “we” is becoming easier… almost automatic.

The relationship is now more vital than either partner separately. Each benefits from the synergy and the “we” has an energy all its own. Partners desire to create and give back to the world. Deep intimacy, vulnerability and emotional sustenance abound.

As you might expect, these stages do not unfold in a smooth linear fashion. There is stress and angst along the way. But it might be encouraging to know you are very normal in your struggle.

* * * * * *
Note to therapists: This information is available in a brochure, with graphics to illustrate the couple’s progress from symbiosis to differentiation. The brochures are sold in packs of 25 for professionals to distribute to their couples who would benefit from a practical understanding of the developmental model. For information or to order them, click here.

* Adapted from Mahler M., Pine F., and Bergman A., “The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant.” New York: Basic Books, Inc. 1975.

© Copyright MMIV The Couples Institute

Dr. Peter Pearson and his wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. As therapists, workshop leaders, authors, and speakers, they are dedicated to helping couples create extraordinary relationships. They have been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including “The Today Show” and “CBS Early Morning News.” For more information including a series of free audio clips to help improve your relationship, visit www.TheCouplesInstitute.com.

“Oh but Kemo, why would a gorgeous girl have such a stuck-up attitude?!”. Please picture this: You are a hot chick. You are getting approached by guys every single day. Each one has their lame pickup lines, like “hey beautiful” or “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” or “can I buy you a drink?”. What a bunch of wimps. You get this all of the time so you dismiss these guys as losers. They don’t have any value to you because all they do is kiss your ass, so you put up a stuck-up shield to brush them all off. Yes, I know what you are thinking… But taking down this shield isn’t that tough, and it can be done using neg hits.

Here is a little example of how to use them… A couple nights ago, I was at a party. I’m hanging out and I see this gorgeous girl, a 9/10. She would have been a 10, but her face was slightly pink and sunburned. She definitely had her stuck-up shields on. At first I didn’t even talk to her, I was having fun at the party, and I started telling a couple stories to a small group of people. Eventually I had a good crowd of about 8-10 people listening to me, laughing their asses off. I was already demonstrating my value, and predictably, she came over to see who I was.

I didn’t acknowledge her till in the middle of my story. I was talking about this mildly entertaining redneck woman, and right in the middle of telling how useless this woman’s bra was (it is actually a funny story, I’ll have it posted on my site later) and I noticed that the hottie was wearing a belt but it wasn’t going through her belt loops, it was just sitting there. So I made the analogy that the bra was just as useless as her belt was. People were laughing at her. It was ok though, she was smiling and laughin’ like “yea ok”. Her stuck-up shields were lowered a bit. SHE asked MY name, and I told her and asked hers. Then I continued.

I finished my story, and I was about to say something, but then stopped. I don’t even remember what I was going to say, but I guess I thought it over and said “bad idea”. Haha, unfortunately I wasn’t a fast enough thinker because I made a face like I was about to say something and then stopped… Right afterward I made eye contact with her. She instantly goes “what were you going to say!” I realize I can easily use this with the trick where you say “I gotta tell you something, but I’ll do it later”. I refuse to tell her, and after a little bit of playful arguing, I leave to go talk to other people.

Later in the night, she finds me again and asks me what I was going to say. I still refuse to tell her, and we keep going back and forth with it and she’s hittin’ my arm tryin’ to get me to tell her. Then some guy tries to CB me by saying “oh he’s playing hard to get, he really wants to get in your pants”. He spoke the truth. Still, I start laughing at him and go “haha really a guy like me with a girl like her”. She started laughing and hit me and goes “You jerk!”. It was all good though.

Finally I decide enough is enough. I say “you really wanna know?” and she goes “yes!”. I pull her aside and say softly “Well I just wanted you to know.. that your face is the cutest.. shade of pink in this whole party”. You should have seen her face, it got even redder (in case you don’t remember, she was sunburned). It was funny as shit though, and she ate it all up. I don’t wanna make this article on negs a field report, but soon after that I got her number.

So there is your field example of negs in use. You got to be careful though, because some girls (9s and 10s) can take more neg hits than some other girls (7s and 8s). You also don’t want to insult her. Saying “you’re a slut” is probably also something she gets a lot from angry girls and guys, so it won’t affect her as much as an original neg hit. Here are some examples of neg hits (seriously guys, I’m straight up telling you what to say, you can thank me later).

“Hey, sorry to bother you but I just wanted to talk to the prettiest girl in the room..(pause for effect).. she’s all the way over there, so I figure I’ll practice on you first.” – My personal favorite.

“Nice nails, are they real?” when she says no you can say “Oh….well I guess they are alright then…”.

“You have the cutest little mustache!” – Oh god be careful with this, I tried it 3 times. The first one was PERFECT. The next 2 were not pretty. Taking a break with it, haha…

“You walk funny” I don’t know why, but women just can’t stand (and by can’t stand, I mean LOVE) being told this and get self conscious. It is definitely funny though.

“You talk funny” See above.

Then there is situational ones. If you see her wearing ripped up jeans, you can ask her if she was too cheap to pay for the good jeans. Or like how I did with the girl and her belt, questioning why she did that.

What ever you do, don’t ever go back to your AFC wimpy ways. She may try to get you to by saying something for you to compliment her after you’ve negged her a lot. Like “this shirt makes me look fat, doesn’t it?” For this, all you would do is look at her belly for a second, and look right in her eye and say “Well at least you still have your personality..” Bam, just like that. Hot girls don’t need compliments, they get them enough. You guys get the idea.

There’s so many ways you can neg a girl, I can’t really fit everything in here. Read other articles on C&F and Teasing to get the idea of what to do. Good luck pimping guys, and just remember, she isn’t the prize, you are!

I’m Kemo, an admin at http://www.overnightplayer.com – The home of seduction an attraction! The website is owned and operated by experts in the field of attracting and seducing women. If you liked the article, check out our site for more.

If you’re reading this right now and would like to expand your skillset for attracting women, then I highly recommend you get Magic Bullets by Savoy. It is a hardcore online book you can be reading within minutes where the world’s best pick-up artists breakdown everything a guy can do to go from starting a conversation too get a woman into the bedroom. Check it out by clicking here today.

Get past the “how are you doing? how’s the wife and kids?” with the response being “good, not so good, or fine” to the story behind each person. This is when you develop connection, and people grow from connection. People seek value and want to contribute. Whether you want to increase business, develop your career, gain support, eliminate barriers, create opportunities, or merely relate and be loved; the benefits of widening your inner circle and going deeper are astronomical.

How easy it is to get comfortable with where we are and who we are with. We sometimes close the door to getting to know others around us who could add great value to our lives. Growth is a tremendous part of human life. We grow physically. We grow in knowledge and wisdom. Many of us strive to grow spiritually. We grow in and out of relationships. It seems that when we are growing the more fulfilled we become. When we are not growing we become disconnected, bored, and frustrated. While you may have many good relationships, is it possible that you are missing out on other remarkable experiences because you have relaxed into your comfort zone? Keep in mind that the more connections we have the more opportunities come our way, and the deeper those connections the more stimulating the relationship. So what is the first step?

The first step is to create the best relationship with the only person you are guaranteed to be with for your entire life. Yes, you! You attract relationships which are a reflection of yourself. So if you do not like who you are attracting, then take the time to develop the relationship with yourself. Take pride in all that you are. When you surrender and let go of all the things you think you should be, you begin the fascinating journey of being who you are meant to be. When you except yourself for all that you are…strengths and weaknesses…you can except others in the same way. You expend less energy when you are authentic, yet you are more likely to have a profound impact on others. When you take full responsibility for your own happiness you remove the burden from others of fulfilling those expectations. This lightens the relationship enabling it to blossom.

What do I mean by widening? As people come and go in and out of our lives they teach us valuable lessons. The more good relationships you have in your circle, the more you set yourself up to have an abundance of support. We could all use that…huh? You open the door for more opportunities to come your way. Behind every opportunity is a human being. I have no doubt that my divorce became easier because of the reserves of friendship I have. I can only imagine how hard it would have been if I felt alone. Recently a few of my friends informed me of their intentions to move. While saddened by the news, I realized that I have become so comfortable with my inner circle that I have not been taking that extra step to open the doors to new friendships. When we first moved in I made it a priority to get to know everyone in the neighborhood, and have been blessed by those relationships for over 6 years. Thus came the idea for this article. I realized that I am missing out because I have become so comfortable. I am quite certain that I am not alone. Yet in my business where I am focused on spreading my wings I continue to be blessed with support and new opportunities…hmmm. So consider widening your circle. Reach out and add a new relationship. Notice how you grow from the connection.

Allow me make a request that you can accept or reject. Try taking your relationships to a deeper level, and see what happens. This is not about digging up your deep, dark secrets so don’t get nervous. Many of us don’t pry because we were raised with the saying “don’t be nosy”. However, it is natural to be curious. One way to gain access to wisdom is by asking “what” questions. “What” questions are a great way to open up an interesting conversation. What was your most incredible experience? What is the most interesting tidbit about your family? What was the best advice you ever received? Another phrase to use is “tell me about…”. Tell me about your home town. Tell me about how you chose your profession. We often bobble on the surface like a beach ball because it is just easier, and never realize the treasures that lie below the surface.

Seek the story behind each person and grow from the connection. Get to the good stuff…Starting Now!

Copyright 2002, Beth A. Tabak, All rights reserved.

Beth Tabak of www.StartingNowCoaching.com is committed to small business coaching & personal life coaching. She is also a speaker and columnist. Beth coaches big thinkers to move beyond limits, stand out in the crowd, and experience the vastness of their capabilities. Stop by to see all the gifts available to you and say “hello”.

1. Set a Goal The first step is to meet with your children, and have them “buy in” to a mutually-developed goal. Explain to them that decisions and goals are made for one of two reasons. That is, to move away from an uncomfortable situation, or to move towards a desired goal. The latter is certainly the better choice.

2. Course Correction Establish a routine of having meetings to discuss progress. If your child is off-course, point out that the specific conduct is not assisting them in moving towards the goal. This isn’t about blame, and the session will be most effective when you sit down together eye-to-eye. Sitting at eye level sets the tone that this will be a discussion rather than an adult-imposed directive. Ensure that your child helps to create the solutions.

3. Catch Them Doing Something Right Walsh says that this technique is highly effective because positive reinforcement boosts self-esteem, the most vital building block of character. Children crave and require love and attention in order to thrive.

Researchers wanted to find out what was more effective with children, praising, criticizing, or just ignoring them. They found that children who were praised experienced a 71 percent rate of overall improvement. Those who were criticized improved by only 19 percent, and the ignored ones improved by just 5 percent. You have to admit that these numbers are significant. In another experiment, researchers behind a one-way mirror observed parents as they interacted with their children. In a specific time period, 433 occurrences of negative feedback were observed, whereas positive reinforcement was used only 31 times. Obviously, negative corrections are necessary when actions could lead to injury or damage.

When you observe your child expressing the desired behavior, say things like: What a cleaver idea. I’m sure glad you are my son/daughter. I noticed that you ____ – Keep it up. You’re getting better and better at that. You showed a lot of responsibility when you ______ . I appreciate the way you ______ . I like the way you ______ without having to be reminded. Now you’ve got it.

This second formula is used by successful speakers and self-help writers. It is so simple that you’ll probably say to yourself, “Of course this makes sense.” Here it is: Make a point, tell a story, and have them do an exercise.

1. Make a Point Successful parents, teachers, and mentors are great at being clear about what they want to teach and why it’s important to the learner.

2. Tell a Story Walsh, a certified clinical hypnotherapist, says that the secret to telling an effective tale is to never reveal the moral of the story. That also means to not link it to the point you’re making. Why? Stay with me here, because Aesop got it all wrong. You want their subconscious minds to process the story to reflect their own core beliefs, and their view or model of the world. Because it becomes personalized, the lesson will be more valuable and effective. If you furnish the lesson of the story, the subconscious mind, which is lazy by nature, will not bother processing the information. The conscious mind will treat the story and its lesson as just another imposed principle, possibly spawning some resistance. That would be a wasted opportunity.

3. Do an Exercise Now for the most powerful part of the three step process: engage them in a game or exercise that really drives home the lesson to be learned. Allow a full day for the story to be processed by their subconscious mind before you suggest a game or exercise.

Here are some effective exercises: Ask them to create a play, TV or radio show based on the story, have them interview an expert on the topic, have them experiment with a variety of behaviors associated with the story. Encourage your child to bring their friends in on the game. Be creative, and have fun with this. The more vivid the experience, the higher impact the lesson will have.

Because these activities are interactive and interpersonal, practicing them will enhance communication and bonding with your children.

International speaker, Dr. Brian E. Walsh is the author of the bestseller Unleashing Your Brilliance and has also co-authored with John Gray and Jack Canfield the self-help book, 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life: Volume 2. Unleashing Your Brilliance

But over the last few months, my attitude has changed. I’ve actually found that adopting an “alpha attitude” is crucial towards attracting women. In fact, the guys who do best with women arent necessarily jocks; theyre just the ones who are assertive, ambitious, confident and clever: in short, they are decidedly alpha.

What transformed my perception? Well, it was a best friend who taught me-mans best friend, to be exact. My attitude changed as a result of none other than learning about dog training. Alpha-dog training, to be exact.

Here’s what I discovered: As dogs today are still pack animals, with the same instincts as “a pack of wolves,” its important for dog owners to behave like the “Alpha”, or leader, of the group. In the wild, dogs would follow a structure, and in the absence of a solid “alpha” leader, the “betas” and “omegas” of the pack would rebel. So as a dog owner, if you dont make it clear to the dog that YOU are the leader-by eating first, going through doorways first, etc.-it’s all over from there: these wolf-like creatures are going to do the complete opposite of what you tell them to, and even become aggressive and untame.

Sounds kind of like what happens if you let girls run all over you, doesn’t it?

However, if you are firm and consistent in asserting yourself as the Alpha of your dogs “pack” (ie, the family household), he will respect you and do what he or she is told. You’ll avoid so many problems, just by taking the time to show a dog that YOU are the boss.

Because, much like women, dogs WANT someone who’s in control. They don’t want to have take up the role of leader themselves. They’ll actually love you more when you walk around with pride and confidence.

There’s more we can apply to female attraction from alpha dog training. When a low-ranking dog rebels against the “top dog,” successful dog trainers do the same things alpha wolves do in the wild: they ignore the dog for a couple days, until it comes back apologetic and willing to do what it is told. If the dog acts well upon return, he is rewarded and given the socialization and attention he needs.

As youll learn below, you can use this same principles towards ladies you meet at a bar or club.

Of course, you can’t go overboard. A dog that obeys out of fear does not behave as well as a dog who behaves out of respect. In fact, it’s been found that being too assertive and physical with a dog will only lead to aggressive and reckless behaviors. So it pays to be firm, but not brutal. Just like with the ladies-you want to be confident and assertive, but not arrogant and mean.

Here are some more benefits to carrying “alpha attitude” around the ladies:

* By asserting yourself as the leader-someone to be respected, not feared-you gain peoples respect. As I said, females dont want to have to adopt male leadership themselves; they just want to be around someone whos not afraid to be a stand-up, assertive kind of man. But let me be clear: women dont want an insecure guy who feels he has to act macho and sexist to get his buddies approval, like so many jocks, but a guy who naturally acts confident, and expects people to show him respect. Thats what youre aiming for, and thats what women who are worth your time want.

* Conversely, by being the “follower” instead of the “followed,” people, especially girls, will treat you as what you present: someone whos not a leader, someone who’s NOT confident, tough, and full of power; in short, someone whos not full of value. You get what you give, so its up to you to GIVE a lot!

* When a girl, particularly one you’ve just met at a bar or any social venue, treats you with disrespect, its up to you, as the “alpha male,” to ignore her. Shut her out, move on, and shell eventually come back to you the same way a dog would: with her tail between her legs, apologetic, and hungry for your respect. But dont address her until youre sure you have her respect, otherwise youre allowing her to “move up the pack,” which, as with dogs, will only create future problems.

This actually goes to show why guys who ignore girls, get more than those who dote on them and act needy. Its all evolutionary.

* Conversely, when a girl treats you well, gives you love, and yes, does as shes told (though Im not suggesting you guys bark out commands!), you must treat HER with respect. This especially applies to girlfriends, but also a girl you’ve only known or dated shortly: Show your thanks, show your appreciation, the same way an alpha leader would display love and affection upon a well-behaved canine.

* You can even apply the alpha dog training to dates. Since the alpha leader eats first, chooses what to eat, and eats the biggest portions, YOU must decide where to eat on a date (dont let her choose the restaurant!), you mustnt be afraid to eat first (although social conventions do dictate that we must wait for both our plates to be served!), and you should get the best bites. If youre splitting a piece of cheesecake, for example, dont be afraid to dig in and get the best portion! The girl will actually respect you for it, much more so than if you bashfully gave up the best piece to her. Again, retain your position as the “top dog.”

* Finally, you have to show that youre an alpha not just one-on-one, but also in groups. An alpha wolf doesn’t gain his position by submitting to others in the pack; he asserts himself in front of others and makes it known that he’s the leader. That doesn’t mean you treat your buddies and strangers like crap; it just means you dont let them push you around. In short, you must be what the guy I think has the whole “alpha attitude” down pat, Carlos Xuma, calls “being a stand-up guy.” That means standing up for yourself , AND standing up for your girl, by not taking crap from anyone. You dont have to be a jock to let people know they cant push you around.

Quite the contrary. Xuma knows that in order to be big, youve gotta THINK big, and he does this himself by adopting alpha characteristics. What are some great alpha characteristics? In his Secrets to Becoming the Alpha Man course, Xuma rattles off a number of them, including being:

- Clever/smart/cunning
- Ambitious
- Excited
- Honorable
- Dominant (not aggressive, but demonstrating superior social skills)
- Stable
- Fit (healthy lifestyle)
- Curious
- Balanced
- Natural

Doesn’t sound like you? No worries. With Xumas course you can learn how to NATURALLY become the leader. It all starts with attitude. Carlos teaches some fascinating, real-life subjects like:

Qualification: The Essence of Alpha Attitude
REAL Game Philosophy
Three Winning Attitudes to Impress Women
5 Things to Never Talk About with Women
The Keys to Dating Success
Motivating Yourself to Get More Girls
How Even Geeks Can Get 10s with Alpha Attitude
What Bad Boys Have That Nice Guys Dont

I highly recommend trying Xuma out. You can start with his free mini-course and newsletter, and see how you like it. I personally find it fascinating and down-to-earth gritty.

In short, it pays to be alpha. The best part is, You dont have to be a football player to do it. The lasting reward is feeling good about yourself, and getting the girls all the other alpha males get. Whats wrong with that?

James Brito, bestselling author of “How to Be Irresistible to Women”, regularly explores topics of female attraction. Since 2000, he has helped thousands of men around the world build confidence and get the women they deserve. To get his free six-part audio mini-course, visit: http://www.000relationships.com/towomen/

If you’re reading this right now and you’d like to become an alpha male that easily and rapidly attracts beautiful women, then I recommend you read “How to Become an Alpha Male” by clicking here today.

During my twenty-three years in management, I dealt with blabbermouths frequently, so for the last ten years I have advised clients on how to silence the workplace windbags. Here are my suggestions for muzzling the motor mouths:

ONE: Offer nonverbal cues. If you continue your work and don’t make eye contact, many people will take the hint and decide to leave. Another approach: Check your watch repeatedly. A more prominent gesture: Put your hand up like a policeman stopping traffic, a universally understood position. Start packing your briefcase, signaling your departure plans.

TWO: When subtle cues won’t work, explain why you can’t have a conversation. “I can’t talk right now, because I’m in the middle of a project that’s due tomorrow. I’ll get back with you later.” Notice–that puts you in charge of the next move.

THREE: Try giving a time limit: “I’ve got five minutes. What can we cover in that amount of time?” Then stick to the announced limit rigidly, and get on the phone or walk away when the five minutes have expired.

FOUR: Make sure you meet with gabby people in their offices, not yours. Why? Walking away is much less awkward than trying to shuffle someone out of your office.

FIVE: Wherever you meet, schedule the get-together just before lunch or closing time, when they will be more conscious of time limits themselves.

SIX: Enlist an assistant’s help. Before the chatty person arrives, tell a co-worker to interrupt you if the visitor is still there after fifteen minutes. A comment like “Do you remember that appointment you have now?” will justify your ending the conversation.

SEVEN: Compliment the talker by saying, “Gosh, what you are saying sounds worth considering. Please go back to your desk now and put your recommendations in writing, so I can share them with the staff.”

EIGHT: Remove the usual comforts by having a stand-up meeting. This symbolically conveys that you are not going to settle in for an extended appointment.

NINE: In a group meeting, tell the windbag, “Really appreciate your input on that, Marvin. Now let me give Sharon and one or two others a chance to respond.” Another ploy: “We’re on a tight schedule, so I have to move us to the next point on the agenda.”

TEN: Ask for a conclusion: “Sandra, I think I get what you are driving at, but just to be sure please sum it up for me in a few sentences.”

ELEVEN: Get up and walk toward the door, saying, “Let’s finish this on the way out.”

TWELVE: Introduce them to someone else: “I want you to share your ideas with Norman, because he heads this particular program.”

Next time the company chatterbox confronts you, try these approaches. They work, and they won’t shatter relationships.

And here is an invitation: If you use some strategies I haven’t mentioned, please e-mail them to me: drbill@ChampionshipCommunication.com Title your e-mail MOTOR MOUTHS, so I will be sure to open it. If you send me a suggestion, please indicate whether you grant permission for me to quote you in articles, on my blog and elsewhere.

Bill Lampton, Ph.D.–author of The Complete Communicator: Change Your Communication, Change Your Life!– helps organizations strengthen their communication, motivation, customer service and sales. He has served a diverse list of top-level client. Visit his Web site to sign up for his monthly complimentary newsletter: http://www.ChampionshipCommunication.com
Call Dr. Lampton to bring his expertise to your group: 770-534-3425 or 800-393-0114. E-mail: drbill@ChampionshipCommunication.com

Put simply, we just happen to desire social acceptance more than anything else that does not physically keep us alive. We want our family to be proud of us, our friends and acquaintances to respect and include us, and the rest of the world to desire us.

What’s the opposite of acceptance? Rejection. And that’s what we’re afraid of.

I’m going to give you some powerful techniques to eradicate this fear’s hold on your life, but before that, I want to discuss the root of this in depth for you.

We’re going to call a girl or group not being interested as something other than “rejection” or “getting rejected.” After all, you didn’t get rejected. Your approach did. If you went in differently, the reaction would have been different. We’re going to call it “getting blown out” or a “blow-out.” This is because while the set didn’t know enough about you to reject you personally, they did express that they wanted to end the interaction.

Your use of words is very important. A good friend of mine is fond of saying, “The first set of the night is always murder.” Now if you’re equating talking to a girl with someone ending your life, of course you will be more than a little hesitant to make that first approach! Anthony Robbins has set up a whole system on how to use your word choice to better your life. I won’t get into it here, but in short, minimize your negative word usage, especially if you’re describing something that’s necessary for you. If you say “Going to the gym is a royal pain in the ass,” you probably won’t make it there very often. However, if you say “Getting to the gym consistently is a challenge,” it’s a lot more likely you’ll rise to the occasion. So to sum up, I NEVER want to hear you say “I got rejected.”

While word choice is important, a bigger issue that holds the outcome of the set. In other words, you are giving two girls thirty seconds to give a full evaluation of your value as a person and judge you accordingly. That’s a lot of power to give someone you’ve never met before.

There’s only three reasons an approach might not go well for me:

1) My game wasn’t good enough at this point to handle this particular situation

2) My game was good enough, but I made a mistake in this particular situation

3) There were extenuating circumstances that prevented success, despite that I ran a good set.

That’s it. There are no possibilities for why it can go wrong.

In my years in the game, I’ve met plenty of people that make their living teaching men how to pick-up women. These men pick-up beautiful women right in front of their students, sometimes on video-tape. Some of these guys, if you saw them, would blow your mind because they are not attractive by any standards. They have huge guts, often are balding, sometimes pasty white, and sometimes pretty short and frail. This is a hard thing to accept until you’re actually seen this, but you definitely do not need to be good looking to attract women. The point I’m trying to make is:

YOUR LOOKS ARE NOT WHAT GETS YOU BLOWN OUT.

Your game is the problem; not your looks, not your value. It’s completely dependent on your social skill-set.

When Tyler Durden makes an approach that doesn’t go well (which does happen even for the masters), he says it affects him as emotionally as if he was shooting hoops and had his hand crooked on the basketball and missed.

So you have basically three options to consider. You may have been socially miscalibrated and messed up a set you could have done well. So you learn from your mistake. It also might have been a too difficult set for you to win at this point in your learning curve. You still get mad props for going for it and you are no doubt better because you did go for it. The people that get great at pick-up constantly approach sets out of their comfort zones, where instant success is unlikely. It might be a go-go dancer swinging around a pole. It may be a beautiful girl surrounded by 7 guys. It may be a celebrity. When you’re higher in your learning curve, you’ll be able to own that set.

Until then, it’s only practice.

A great PUA named Hoobie once said that “Every failure is a brick in my palace.” I would change that to “Every approach is a brick in my palace.” The latter is more accurate, because every attempt you make at a pickup, it adds to your cumulative experience.

And of course there are situations where the set-up is precarious at best and it is near impossible to actually win the set. If a group of girls are having a girl’s night out for a friend who’s husband just cheated on her, they’re going to be giving her 100% of their attention and putting guys to the side for the night. There’s no way you would ever know that, so just be open to the possibility. This is not to say you should excuse yourself every time a set doesn’t go well. You can’t always say “She must have been married.” You still have personal accountability. Just let the possibility that it was an impossible set be open in the back of your mind.

Now here are some specific techniques for consistently getting approaches done each night:

· Make it a MUST that you approach a minimum of 6 sets for the night. That you literally can’t leave til you do it. Make it your goal to get blown out 6 times. Yes, no numbers, no lays, just get blown out. That way when you get blown out you’re closer to your goal.

· If you have a wing, give him 100 dollars. Have him give you 10 dollars back for each approach you do. At the end of the night, he keeps the leftover cash.

· Make it a point to say some outrageous stuff in approaches, stuff you KNOW won’t work. Every third approach or so, I will sometimes use a “fun” approach that I don’t’ expect to work like going up to a group of girls and saying “Are you ready for the big time?”

· A good exercise from Ross Jeffries is to go to a place like a shopping mall or busy street downtown and stop a girl and say “Excuse me, forgive the interruption. I’m Manny Martian. What is your favorite flavored bowling ball?” Now that’s not a pickup attempt, because you were not trying to seduce her. Go do that about 20 times and it should be easier. It may be better to do that one in a major city an hour or so away from where you live for that one.

You have to go BEYOND what a typical approach is before you feel comfortable with a normal approach. Once you say something ridiculous and realize you’re still alive and breathing afterwards, you can laugh it off and it’s a heck of a lot easier to ask a couple women what their opinion is on something.

· FOR NEWBIES ONLY: When you approach, touch the girls before you start talking. Like tap a shoulder. That instigates the “point of no return” signal that let’s you know you’re already in the interaction. When you see a set, go 3-2-1, TAP, and then they’re looking at you and you have to speak. After doing this for a few weeks though, quickly phase it out since it is NOT solid game for a proper pickup.

· Practice seeing women for as they are and not as the demi-gods we make them out to be in the field. If you see a woman in sexy bitch boots, sparkling eye shadow, and shimmering lipstick, of course all you can think of how absolutely wonderful it would be to kiss her. Now look at her and in your head take the lipstick off, as well as the rest of the make-up, and think of how she looks on laundry day. You don’t have to imagine her ugly, but just a bit plainer. That should take it down a notch.

· Lastly, be social in general with women of all shapes and sizes. The more often you talk to women outside of a pick-up session, the more natural it will be to start a conversation with any girl at a bar. Talk to fat, older and unattractive women as well.

You may always feel some jitters your first set of the night, and I know pros who feel that way after 10 years of picking up the most beautiful women. They just plow through despite the initial unpleasant feeling. And thats what a real man does: act in spite of fear, and act in spite of discomfort.

–Dan Tolumbro

[Dan Tolumbro is a dating advice coach for men at http://www.pickupmastery.com. At his site he provides free information on how to meet women in bars without fear and how to take it to the next level.]

If you’re reading this and you’d like to confidently approach women and successfully have them attracted to you, then “The Art of Approaching Women” is exactly what you’re after and you can get it today by clicking here.

Communicating is an art, and art of combining the ability to express your opinions and feelings in such a way as to ensure that the person or people you are talking to understand what you are trying to say with the ability to listen and understand another person’s point of view.

The number of times I have sat in a room, often in meetings and at conferences and I’ve just watched and listened to what is going on around me. It is totally fascinating when whole groups of people have no ability to listen to their colleagues, partners or friends and therefore cannot understand or comprehend any opinion other than their own.

What could have been covered in five minutes or learned in half an hour often takes hours or days just because people refuse to sit back, listen and understand.

Over the years it’s amazing the number of times people are provided with information that, if they acted upon, could totally alter a relationship, career or the success of a business. But, because the sheer lack of peoples ability to listen to and think through another persons point of view unique opportunities pass them by.

Relationships are no different to the work environment other than there are, usually, just two of you. Often, what could be a marriage made in heaven is destroyed by the sheer inability to communicate. The most successful relationships, be it business or personnel are those whereby both parties have strong verbal and listening skills.

Many relationship problems begin with poor communication. Couples often feel that their partner should know what they are thinking and how they feel so do not communicate and then wonder why they feel neglected and under valued.

How many people decide not to tell their partner something just because they don’t know how to say it and then the problem just eats away at the relationship until there is no relationship left? What a waste, just the sheer ability to share a problem can make what seemed to be an insurmountable issue a tiny little blip on a large horizon.

So whenever you feel stressed or don’t know what to do don’t just bottle it up, talk about it, seek advice and listen to the answer. Don’t keep quiet when you know in your heart a problem has to be aired and don’t put off until tomorrow what has to be sorted today. Tomorrow never comes!!

It is how you say something that will ruin a relationship and not what you have to say. The wrong way is just to blurt out something that you know will aggravate or distress your partner. The last thing you want is for them to get defensive, storm off or burst into floods of tears. You want the person you are trying to communicate with to be open and perceptive and in order to be able to achieve this, your timing and approach has to be right.

Every individual is different what will work with one person won’t necessarily work with another and with some people all you can do is sew the seed and then let them walk away and work it out for themselves.

One person I know never actually listens to anyone. She is one of those people who is always right no matter what, hasn’t a clue about being a team player and operates within a zero tolerance zone. Traditional approaches and method of reasoning just don’t work and alls you can do is plant the seed of thought which eventually develops into her, own acceptable idea.

Given peoples individuality you need to learn what, is the right approach for you and your partner. Make sure that you never start a discussion if you don’t have time to finish it, don’t insist on a debate when one of you is off out to work, dealing with the kids or just relaxing in front of their favourite TV programme. If the timing seems to be never right ask the question ‘when would it be a good time for us to just sit down and talk?’. Whatever you do, do not let yourself appear agitated either in what you say or how you say it. Body language can just as easily put your partner on the defensive as what you say to them. Even if your partner is vying for a fight just don’t react.

Remember, the first golden rule, approaching defensive with defensive is a sure way to failure.

One of the key ways to improve communication is to develop strong listening skills. Couples often fail to listen to what their partner has to say, interrupt and give the impression that no matter what is said they won’t change their mind. One trick to ensure that you have listened and you do understand is to repeat what you have heard. This will demonstrate that you have listened to what was said and by repeating it back you have the opportunity to comprehend and understand.

How often do we try and work through a problem and it’s only at the point we are explaining the issue to someone else does the magic light bulb switch on which enables us to come up with the answer.

If you are taking an exam would you expect to know everything just by being told it once? For most people I would say not. We have to work at it and work at it hard.

No one ever said marriage would be easy it’s just another lesson we have to learn as we experience life but if you want to save your marriage and make it even more special than it was before then there is very little to stop you.

Relationship problems can lay heavy on your mind, become a burden and what was originally a small issue can develop into an insurmountable mountain.

If you begin to feel that marital issues are beginning to weigh heavily on your mind, take a break and do something you enjoy and preferably with your partner. If you can refocus your attention of the better things in life, day to day issues always seem that much smaller. Spending a little time together and enjoying each other’s company could enable you and your partner to recapture some of the feelings that have been lost through constant arguing and help you regain a positive perspective on your relationship.

Just one last word of advice, when you are feeling down and feel you no longer want to save your marriage just remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

If you believe you have financial issues now what do you think it will be like when you split your assets, if you feel you don’t have time to do things what will it be like when you are on your own or worse a single parent and if you feel lonely now how will you feel when every time you walk in your front door all’s you have is your own company. Now none of these thoughts have been aired to encourage you to stay in a bad relationship but rather to make you consider whether or not yours is as bad as you think.

You are the master of your own destiny and if you want to turn a bad marriage around you have the power at your fingertips.

For more valuable information on how to save your marriage please visit: http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com

When two people live together in an intimate relationship, there are always going to be things that happen to cause hurt feelings and anger. These things may range from minor incidents involving slights and lack of consideration to major ones such as sexual betrayal.

It’s all-too-easy to develop the habit of repeatedly replaying all the wrongs a spouse has committed and then to start feeling victimized. Resentment, blame, anger, and bitterness are heavy burdens that hold us back, weight us down, and keep us stuck in a view of ourselves as victims.

Forgiving a spouse does not mean that you avoid or repress your feelings. On the contrary, it’s important that you acknowledge your pain and loss so that you can express your feelings, get them out into the light of day, and let them run a natural, healing course.

“Certainly others are to blame for their mistakes,” write John Gray, “but they are not to blame for our feelings. To forgive is to release another from being responsible for how we feel. By finding forgiveness, we are then free to let go of our pain. Although it is true that our partner may make us feel upset, we must also recognize that we have the power to let go of our pain.”

Gray also states, “By feeling gratitude for the good times and forgiveness for the mistakes, the heart is filled with the love it needs to heal itself.” Viewed this way, forgiveness releases the toxins of resentment and blame and allows the heart to recover.

Each spouse faces the same choice: Do I hang on to my feelings of hurt and pain or do I forgive my partner? For some spouses, the decision to forgive is viewed as letting a partner off the hook and minimizing the damage the partner has done.

It’s as though they don’t want the partner to see them laughing and having fun because then the partner might not suffer as much emotionally. Thus, the reluctance to forgive can be a way of keeping control and making sure that the partner keeps feeling guilty and miserable over what has happened.

When you feel deeply hurt by your spouse’s words or actions, it takes time to recover from the wound. It’s important to clearly state your feelings to your spouse and to share just how much the words or actions have impacted you. It’s also important to consider whether the deed was one caused inadvertently by lack of awareness or lack of knowledge or if it was deliberate.

To forgive a spouse is not the same as minimizing hurtful or harmful behavior. It’s also not about pretending things are fine when they aren’t. The goal is not to flash a fake smile and say “That’s okay” when you’re feeling like you’ve been stabbed in the heart.

But there’s a major difference between feeling hurt and struggling to regroup for a few weeks or months versus still being consumed with anger, resentment, and bitterness a year later. The longer the wound festers, the worse it gets.

How Do You Know When It’s Time to Forgive?

The following statements may help you to recognize if you’re ready to forgive and let go:

You forgive when you have a stronger desire to move toward health, healing, and wholeness than you do to keep singing your “She did me wrong” or “Poor Me” theme songs.

You forgive when you are tired of being stuck in the emotional and spiritual desert of despair, anger, bitterness, revenge, and resentment.

You forgive when you realize that your negative emotions are destroying your sense of spiritual connection, your peace of mind, your health, and your ability to laugh, play, and enjoy life.

You forgive when you realize that not only are you suffering, but your resistance to forgiving your spouse is also causing anguish to your children and other family members.

You forgive when you realize that you are no longer able to live in the present moment and to be totally emotionally available when you are with your family members and friends because you are constantly thinking about the past.

You forgive when you want to move on with your life and restore peace and harmony to your marriage and life.

How Do You Forgive?

Forgiveness is a process. Mary Nurries Stearns writes, “We make the decision to forgive, again and again. Saying words of forgiveness is the first step. Reciting the words creates an opening and willingness, and moves us into a body, heart, mind, spirit process of remembering and releasing.” She continues:

“We begin by letting go of our unforgiving stance. We acknowledge the events and feelings that really happened. We admit that the past cannot be changed. However, through healing, we can leave those yesterdays in the past and create a better tomorrow.

“Realizing that forgiveness is our own personal journey, we release expectations that others will respond to our work, even though each person’s healing has positive rippling effects. While journaling, drawing, dancing, breathing, and talking, we face whatever our body, heart, spirit, and mind present next for our healing. Through these processes, we begin relating differently to our suffering.

“We don’t hold back. We gently swathe our pain with love. We allow thoughts and feelings to arise into awareness where they are recognized and permitted to pass on through. Setting aside sacred time daily, we pray and meditate on forgiveness, and we commune with the divine. And we trust–knowing that grace and a great wisdom are embracing our efforts.”

Some individuals feel a dramatic shift when they decide to forgive a spouse, and for others, forgiveness entails releasing anger and resentment in smaller bits over a longer time. But the important thing is to make a beginning before the weight of the negative feelings pulls you under. Make an appointment to talk to a minister or a counselor if you are stuck and can’t move forward.

When you forgive, you open a door that was not open before. This door leads to a field of possibilities for a new kind of relationship with your spouse.

Regardless of how your partner reacts, you are changed by the act of releasing and forgiving. You are holding your spouse in a different kind of heart space–a space where anything is possible, where relationships can be transformed and where love can reveal itself in unexpected new ways.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner, available at www.ControllingSpouse.com. She is also co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” which is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, as well as a free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to individuals and couples

If you’d like to discover more about having a successful and happy marriage, then I highly recommend “Save My Marriage Today!” which you can get today by clicking here.

There are very legitimate reasons for feeling hurt and wronged, such as a partner who is disrespectful, inconsiderate, unsupportive, or unfaithful. But if you remain stuck in resentment, anger, bitterness, or vengeance, you will be unable to move on with your life in a healthy way. Holding grudges and hanging on to negative feelings reduces your capacity to enjoy life and to have maximum energy in the present moment.

Lewis B. Smedes, in The Art of Forgiving, makes the following points about what forgiveness is and what it is not:

Forgiving does not mean that we excuse the person who did it.

Forgiving does not mean that we invite someone who hurt us once to hurt us again.

Forgiving someone who did us wrong does not mean that we tolerate the wrong he or she did.

Forgiveness is not about reunion. Being reconciled to another person as a human being and embracing him/her as a best friend are two different things.

Forgiveness happens inside the person who does it.

So when should you forgive? “We forgive,” shares Smedes, “when we feel a strong wish to be free from the pain that glues us to a bruised moment of the past.

We forgive when we want to overcome the resentment that separates us from the person who wounded us. We forgive when we feel God’s Spirit nudging us with an impulse to pull ourselves out of the sludge of our disabling resentment. We forgive when we are ready to move toward a future unshackled from a painful past we cannot undo.”

When you hang on to the desire to hurt someone else, you are only hurting yourself. In The Heart of the Enlightened, Anthony de Mello states: “It is impossible to help another without helping yourself, or to harm another without harming yourself.”

He illustrates this by a story about Nasruddin, who was muttering to himself delightedly when his friend asked him what it was all about. Said Nasruddin, “That idiot Ahmed keeps slapping me on the back each time he sees me. Well, I’ve put a stick of dynamite under my coat today, so this time when he slaps me he’ll blow his arm off!”

Practice Forgiveness for Your Own Benefit

This is exactly what happens when you are vengeful and deliberately hurt another person–you end up harming yourself. At such times, you may find yourself asking, “Is there another way to resolve this?” or “What do I do now?” The choice you make affects your potential to heal and lead a life of harmony, contentment, and happiness.

If you hang onto your “I’ve been done wrong” song, you’ll begin to think of yourself as a victim of other people and circumstances. As you continue to sing this song, you’ll find yourself approaching life from a victim orientation of helplessness, powerlessness, and weakness. Then it becomes easy to forget that you always have choices in how you will react to others and to circumstances.

According to Gary Zukav, “Forgiveness is letting go of your resentment, disappointment, anger, and hurt. When you do, you are free from these prisons. They no longer captivate your attention. They no longer intrude on your thoughts and your sleep. You are no longer steeped in anger and righteous indignation. You no longer feel the need to convince others that you have been wronged. You give up being a victim, and step into a lighter, less restricted consciousness…You cannot live with a light and happy heart and be a victim at the same time.”

In speaking of forgiveness in her book Life! Louise L. Hay states: “We must release the past and forgive everyone. We are the ones who suffer when we hold on to past grievances. We give the situations and the people in our past power over us, and these same situations and people keep us mentally enslaved. They continue to control us when we stay stuck in ‘unforgiveness.’

This is why forgiveness work is so important. Forgiveness–letting go of the ones who hurt us–is letting go of our identity as the one who was hurt. It allows us to be set free from the needless cycle of pain, anger, and recrimination that keeps us imprisoned in our own suffering. What we forgive is not the act, but the actors–we are forgiving their suffering, confusion, unskillfulness, desperation, and their humanity. As we get the feelings out and let them go, we can then move on.”

Ron Roth, in The Healing Path of Prayer, writes that “Forgiveness must not be conceived as an act of condoning the poor behavior of another toward us, but rather as an act of release on our part in relation to the person we feel has harmed us. In that act of release, we place the individual in God’s light and allow that light to dissolve the negative energy into which we once were plugged. Having unplugged psychically from past negative actions directed against us, we are now prepared to be filled with the positive energy of freedom and joy.”

Harold S. Kusher, in How Good Do We Have to Be? tells of counseling a divorcee who was still seething about her husband’s leaving her for another woman years before and then falling behind on child support payments. She asked him, “How can you expect me to forgive him after what he’s done to me and the children?”

Kushner answered, “I’m not asking you to forgive him because what he did wasn’t so terrible; it was terrible. I’m suggesting that you forgive him because he doesn’t deserve to have this power to turn you into a bitter, resentful woman. When he left, he gave up the right to inhabit your life and mind to the degree that you’re letting him. Your being angry at him doesn’t harm him, but it hurts you. It’s turning you into someone you don’t really want to be. Release that anger, not for his sake–he probably doesn’t deserve it–but for your sake, so that the real you can emerge.”

When you’re dealing with someone who might hurt you or your loved ones, you need to put strong, effective boundaries in place for self-protection. By doing this, you are taking good care of yourself and also trying to help the other person not to accumulate more negative energy in his or her life. “It is never a loving act to allow a person the opportunity to hurt us,” states John Gray.

Talane Miedaner counsels, “At some level people know when they are doing a number of you and they don’t really want to get away with it. If you let them get away with it, not only do you diminish yourself, but you also diminish them.”

The concept of mercy isn’t talked about much in our modern day society. Mercy involves refraining from harming or punishing others who have wronged you in some way. Mary Nurries Stearns writes, “Forgiveness is an intimate relationship with mercy that soothes pain, dissolves anger, and releases attitudes that don’t serve our own life potential or humanity.”

You have to look at the cost to yourself when you cannot be merciful and forgive another person. George Herbert cautions, “He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.”

When you forgive another, you free yourself from the burden of resentment and living in the past. Zukav summarizes, “Forgiving is choosing a light and happy heart instead of resentment.” And as Smedes reminds us, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner, available at www.ControllingSpouse.com. She is also co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” which is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, as well as a free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to individuals and couples

If you’d like to discover more about having a successful and happy marriage, then I highly recommend “Save My Marriage Today!” which you can get today by clicking here.

Here are some tips you might want to keep in mind the next time you try to calmly convince someone to see your side of the story.

Don’t Bulldoze Your Listener

What is bulldozing? In sales, it is referred to as the act of drowning the prospective clients in figures and facts in order to confuse them to eventual submission. Keep in mind that the only way the other party will accept your idea is when they have decided that they want it. People who have given in to your bulldozing will do so only at first, but will eventually try to get out of the situation, be it after a few minutes or after a few days. You must be able to know how to read body language in order to decipher if a certain action is appropriate for the situation.

Nevertheless, if you want to be an effective and truly successful persuader, you want others to willingly agree with you, not because you almost forced them unwillingly to do something or left them with no other choice. If you are at a debate, this is fine. You are trained to tear the other person’s statements apart. However, in a normal conversation, this is a major blunder.

“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still,” as the saying goes. This means that while you may have succeeded in getting others person to give their agreement forcibly, they will still maintain their original ideas. If you try to make them cooperate with you thereafter, expect that it is going to be difficult.

What should you do then? Try to make your idea attractive to the other party so that they would be more willing to submit to it. You can do so by first acknowledging the merits of their points and then outlining your merits. Do not make a comparison that is based on just the negative aspects. You will appear to be discrediting the other person; this is not good.

Be Patient And Try To Avoid Clashes

The professional persuader is never overeager; he always moves steadily and carefully towards his goal, and avoids getting into situations that would result in idea collisions. He is sensitive enough to watch out for emotional or psychological taboos and avoids them at all costs.

How can you do this? First, do not take sides. Try to be open to all ideas that are placed on the table and consider each one’s merits meticulously before you move on to pursuing your selection. Actually, you don’t really need to focus on one concept alone. When you study everything that’s suggested, you will find that you can make appropriate changes and combine all their positive aspects to arrive at something that is agreeable to everyone involved.

The key to being effectively assertive is to keep an open mind. If you simply stick to what is in your head and work endlessly at seeing it through in 100% state to the end, do not expect to enjoy the ride. You will lose friendships, you will lose confidence, and you will lose the drive, eventually. Assertiveness is good when used the right way, which is the professional and balanced way. If you try to use your assertive skills to force people to your side, there is no way you will truly succeed.

Michael Lee is the author of How to be a Red Hot Persuasion Wizard… in 20 days or less, an ebook that reveals mind-altering persuasion techniques. Get a sample chapter and highly-stimulating “Get What You Want” advice at http://www.20daypersuasion.com. He is the Co-Founder of http://www.self-improvement-millionaires.com and is licensed as a Certified Public Accountant.

In Corrogue it is frosty.

The ramp into our “acre of diamonds” is now firm underfoot where before it was a sea of mud. Murphy our dog runs excitedly by my side. We are on our way to release the chickens from the coop. They are to be fed porridge oats in milk.

Murphy has become an honorary chicken. He has been self-appointed. He now eats with the hens and cockerels as I give them their long awaited breakfast. They are now together, dog and birds, loving this life that is secure and satisfying for them.

I am becoming clearer. I am becoming more integrated and more know of the flow of this life. I am become a soul friend. I am becoming what is known in the Celtic tradition an Anam Cara. This translates as Anam meaning “soul” and Cara meaning “friend.”

Like our beautiful dog Murphy I am busy rounding up different aspects of my less integrated self. These are pieces that are like different chickens within a roost. I gently bring them together in love and acceptance. I imagine myself sitting atop a chicken coop with my chicken friends and we would debate various life questions.

We might ask “What does it mean to be a seeker after soul.” We would squawk about our inner life. We would peck at the question “is the unexamined life worth living?” We would joke about what happened when the chicken crossed the road. More seriously we would scratch in the earth to query that existential question, “What came first – the chicken or the egg?”

One of our favourite hens (and I have to acknowledge I do have favourites) is Boddica. She is fearless. She would be the hen to ask fierce questions. She is the hen equivalent of a soul friend. She probes your knowing and understanding of who you really are. She might ask, “What does an Anam Cara do?

In answer to Bodica`s question I would humbly reply thus.

An Anam Cara loves your essence.

They see you beyond your mask. This is the mask of persona. This is what you call personality. They see beyond the fear. They see the absence of love. This is love you withdraw from others and yourself. This is the love that is your real power. This does not mean they have to like YOU. You are the one that gets in the way of soul. You soul is the light of love and it needs light. It needs the lightness of being. An Anam Cara will remind you simply “to be.”

An Anam Cara lives close to the land.

They might be found roosting with chickens. They love the elements of fire, water, earth and air. They are elemental beings although they are more down to earth than mental. Some might consider they exhibit opposite traits. They love sensuality and sexuality. They love the play of Eros. This takes them on the wing. An Anam Cara will remind you to come to your senses and be sensational.

An Anam Cara guides you to the presence you are.

They are people of the silence. They listen. They do not debate. They do not fill you up with knowledge. They transmit the knowing of love. They touch you with beauty. This is not their beauty but the beauty of the Beloved. They move in the world as nobodies of import. They do not puff up your ego. They may build your ego up. They do so in order that you can disappear. This is in order that you can fly the coop. This is so you can enter the joy of leaving the prison house of never being enough.

An Anam Cara reminds you of what is important.

They guide you to knowing who you are. They take you into what are called in Ireland “thin places.” They take you to the edge. They coax you to the edge. When you are trusting enough they push you. They know this is the only way for you to learn to fly. They know you are an eagle that was brought up in a society of chickens. The Anam Cara will take you soaring. The very air that will take you higher is learning trust and faith in your essential goodness.

An Anam Cara takes you to the source. You will be taken beyond time and space to the very souse of your being. This will be done using different techniques depending on which Anam Cara you talk with. There will be techniques to take you out of the constant chatter of the coop into the light heartedness of life beyond the chicken wire. These techniques take you into ease and allow you to give up dis-ease.

An Anam Cara will affirm YOU.

You will be told that YOU are forever enough. This is because the Anam Cara knows that you are forever enough. They have seen beyond the limitation of the ego. They know the prison house of the little self. They know you hold the key to liberation. Only they might tell you that the door is always open. It was and never will be shut to you. They have trust that “all is well and all manner of things shall be well.”

An Anam Cara does really care.

They know you are always held in the hand of the Beloved. They are not here to do anything for or to you. They are only there to facilitate your discovery that you are always enough. They know that what you need is not more of anything but a great big helping of “no thing.” This gives your soul true rest. This is where you give up trying to live life and become life abundant. You become the flow of the essential. Nothing matters because it all matters. Ultimately they take you to love of soul.

So this is how I would answer my Anam Cara soul hen.

Would she be satisfied? I am not sure. I know she would think I have avoided the real question. “What comes first? – the chicken or the egg.” I compensate by tenderly gathering her up in my arms. I stroke her beautiful chicken head. I tell her, “I love you.” I tell her, “You are a forever enough hen.” She goes off and lays another golden egg.

I leave the coop. I leave this Chicken Coop for the Soul and return up the ramp to our cottage. I am gathered in. I leave Murphy to debate the rudiments of flying. He is on the edge. He is excited. One day soon he too hopes to fly. The question is, “Which soul hen will do the pushing.”

Blessings upon you and those you love and do not love.

Tony Cuckson is an Anam Cara. This Celtic term means “Soul Friend.” He specializes in providing insight for the spiritual journey,words of wisdom and finding inner peace.Get your free report called “7 ways to it’s a wonderful life” at http://www.irishblessingsmatter.com or visit Tony’s Blog at http://www.irishblessingsmatter.info

She did not operate with the social belief that she should choose her friends only from people her own age. We became very close friends and remained so until her death at the age of eight-two.

When Doris turned seventy-five, she was already widowed. The week she turned seventy-five, Doris threw two birthday parties for herself, one on a Wednesday night, and one on Saturday. Over thirty different people attended each party. I was the only person invited to both. In all, about seventy of Doris’ friends came that week to celebrate her birthday. On both nights many people stayed until past one in the morning.

As I looked around the room at both parties that week in amazement, I noticed that the people attending her birthday parties were of all ages. They included toddlers, teens, middle-aged people, and the elderly.

Doris had never restricted herself to making friends only within her own age group. She had always made it a point to befriend people of all ages. Consequently, she did not suffer the same social fate so many elderly people face when their circle of same-age friends starts to dwindle from sickness and death. I hoped that when I was the same age as Doris that I would be able to have as many friends and acquaintances gathered to help celebrate my birthday.

I didn’t know any other people her age who could throw two birthday parties in one week, and have seventy people show up. I wondered how Doris had made so many friends.

She had never been wealthy, but over the years Doris and her husband had made a practice of opening their hearts and their home to many people. They not only befriended a lot of people and maintained those friendships over the years, but they also befriended the children of their friends, and stayed friends with the younger generation.

I noticed that whenever I brought some of my own friends with me to visit Doris, she never treated my friends as expendable people that she would never see again.

She was gracious and kind and interested in all of them. Her caring about each human being was always apparent. When we finished our visit, Doris would often extend an invitation to the friends I had brought to come and visit her again, and many of them did so.

When she issued invitations Doris never seemed as if she were inviting people because she was lonely or desperate for company. Her invitations were always genuinely joyful. She loved meeting people and wanted to see them again.

As Doris neared the end of her life, she became very ill and very poor. Yet, she never lacked for love and support from the many friends she had kept making throughout her whole life.

I learned something important that week at Doris’ two birthday parties. I realized that we make a big mistake if we tell young and middle-aged people to invest their money for their old age, but neglect to tell them that it is at least as important to invest in relationships with other people.

We make a mistake if we don’t tell people that it is just as important to invest kindness in the people we meet, and invest our interest in them. There are other kinds of investment accounts besides those that are held by banks. A big bank account won’t make up for loneliness in your old age.

I decided that if I wanted to have as many friends as Doris did, I would have to keep making friends and keep maintaining friendships my whole life. I would have to make friends with people of all ages, including those much younger and much older than me.

Older people confront unique challenges in trying to maintain a satisfying social life. Many people find it difficult to make new friends as they get older.

As people age they often face social, health and monetary challenges. Older people may become less physically mobile. They often have less money to spend on recreation and entertainment.

Older people are also more likely to suffer from depression. They may be physically frail and afraid to go out at night. Even if they remain healthy themselves, aging people experience the deaths of long time friends and spouses, resulting in a shrinking circle of social and emotional support.

In the modern western world, older people are often treated as if their usefulness is finished, and as if what they have to say is not really relevant to the young.

A lot of older people are shocked to discover when they retire at the age of sixty or sixty-five, that the friendships they thought had developed at work do not survive the retirement party.

In many modern societies, older people are socially marginalized, and left to socialize solely with each other. People in North America are much more segregated along age lines than people in some other parts of the world. In North America, teenagers tend to socialize with other teenagers, and older people are expected to make friends with other older people.

No matter where you live, or what your age, you do not need to follow your local society’s dictates about what age your friends should be. You do not need to restrict yourself to making friends only with your own age group.

If you are concerned that you may be lonely in your later years, the time to start doing something about it is now, no matter what your current age might be.

As you grow older, make sure you stay living in the present, not in the past. In your conversations with others, don’t be fixated on who you used to be, or on your current ailments.

Be willing to make many social approaches to others, no matter what the outcome. Stay interested in the current world, stay optimistic, and keep a youthful, open mind.

This article is taken from the new book by Royane Real titled “How You Can Have All the Friends You Want – Your Complete Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends, and Keeping Friends ” Check it out at http://www.royanereal.com

Has your child ever asked you that question? It’s not an easy one to answer. Children are often cruel to one another and their methods for choosing friends are often irrational to the adult mind.

Unfortunately, there is no quick-fix answer to make a child instantly popular. As parents, the best we can do, is guide our children in the right direction and teach them the proper skills necessary for making friends.

Read these ten simple tips with your child. Talk about how your child can implement these steps in their daily lives. Show your child by example what it means to be a good friend.

1. BE WILLING TO TAKE A CHANCE
Yes, it’s scary to go to a new class or move into a new neighborhood where you don’t know anyone. Do you feel like everyone is staring at you? Are you afraid they will laugh at you? Remind your child that someone has to take the first step. If you’re not willing to take a chance, you’ll never make any new friends.

2. FIND SOMEONE WHO LIKES THE SAME THINGS YOU DO
It’s true; some people are best friends and have nothing in common. But most people become friends because they both like to ride bicycles, go roller-skating or play computer games together. Make a list of things your child likes to do. Who do you know that likes the same things? Encourage them to spend time together.

3. LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU LIKE THEM
Remind your child that you don’t know when he’s hungry unless he tells you. No one can read minds. Other children are often just as shy or insecure as your child.

4. MAKE THEM FEEL IMPORTANT
Everybody has something they do really well. And no one ever gets enough compliments. Teach your child to appreciate other people’s strengths. It will show they really care.

5. DON’T WORRY SO MUCH
Some children are natural born worriers. It’s easy to start to wonder – does my new friend really like me? Remind your child that if they’re talking with you and spending time with you, chances are they DO like you.

6. TAKE TIME TO LISTEN AND TIME TO GIVE
Even very young children like to share the exciting moments of their day with someone. Encourage your child to listen as much as they talk. Listening to each other talk about the good things and bad is called support. A friend is the best support system you can have.

7. DON’T KEEP SCORE
Friendships aren’t always a 50-50 split. Someone always needs a little more than the other one. That’s okay. Remind your child that when they do a favor for a friend they don’t need to expect something in return.

8. ACCEPT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU
Tell your child that best friends do not need to be twins. Friends can and should dress differently and like to do different things. Teach your child to appreciate a friend and to not try and change them.

9. LEARN HOW TO APOLOGIZE AND HOW TO FORGIVE
When your child hurts a friend’s feelings, encourage them to say, “I’m sorry.” When your child’s feelings are hurt, don’t let them hold a grudge.

10. WORK AT BEING A GOOD FRIEND
Let your child know that good friendships don’t just happen, they take work. It’s like growing a garden – if you plant some flowers and just water them once in a while, they might still live, but they wouldn’t be very pretty to look at. Take care of your friendship, feed it well, and encourage it to grow.

Friends are an important part of your child’s social training. Good friendships build self-esteem and encourages emotional growth. Make sure your child has the skills to build solid friendships, and remind them that the best way to keep a friend is to be a good one yourself!

Susan Taylor Brown is the author of books for children including Can I Pray With My Eyes Open?, Oliver’s Must-Do List, and Robert Smalls Sails to Freedom.
You can read more about her at: http://www.susantaylorbrown.com

If you’re reading this right now and you’d like to learn more great parenting tips and strategies for raising happy children who have great relationships with you, then I highly recommend “Positive Parenting” which you can get today by clicking here.