As soon as we turn on the morning show to watch a little T.V. before we go to work, we are always dealing with control. There will always be influences that try to get you to give up a piece if your mental sovereignty. It’s like the famous saying… “A mind is a terrible thing to waste!” The issue and elements of control and domination is an element of life that people battle with on a daily basis.

Nothing is more challenging than putting up with people who have power and control issues. This is one of the mysteries of life, which is, how does this kind of behavior exist in human beings and how can this behavior be corrected to advance the world into better relationships between countries, families, friends and strangers. The answer is not an easy one.

Controlling behavior and people kill relationships and can actually cause angst and anxiety. Here in America, it can also be linked to status and social problems.

People who are controlling are actually fearful and scared. To them, it’s easier to go the route of controlling people instead of dealing with people from a level of self respect and dignity. To them, having a controlling attitude saves energy and time. These people have visions of acting like an all powerful God with an overruling dominance over the lives of others. Life, to them is no sweat when giving the commands rather then receiving them.

Gangs such as the Crips and the Bloods use the art of psychological control to intimidate weaker members of the gang and enemies of the gang. Controlling people violates the moral code of others without any respect to their human nature yet people allow them to continue to control.

Most of us are controlled on a subliminal level. There are mechanisms that were created to separate you from your money (loud television ads), national gossip magazines and journals (junk food for the mind) and other things that invade your peace of being. The result is a reaction to being controlled with trying to become controlling in our own lives. The result is negative.

All emotional and verbal abuse is looking for an element to control. It’s like a negative energy attaching itself to a positive energy only in a controlling atmosphere; it drains the life out of you. All people want the edge in life and they will use control and manipulation to get what they want. We’ve been taught materialism and capitalism promotes status. How wrong we are!

Behavior that attempts to control you – regardless of the intensity – breaches your emotional borders and becomes abuse.

Being used or using others in this level of abuse is more than the obvious problems. Bullying takes effect when someone is called a name or made fun of. It also is part of things such as temper tantrums. On more obvious levels, this abuse can be seen in forms of physical violence that is used to intimidate others. Intimidation and bullying can even take place at higher levels, where individuals will use their status to place themselves above others. Despite what many have come to believe, control and abuse have become a part of culture on several levels.

Subtle controllers, subtle manipulators

Emotionally mature people raise children with respect for the lives of others, dignity, self worth while making others around them feel comfortable. These people do not show their children how to hate, intimidate and control others that are different from them or others that they might want to use as a crutch for their emotions.

Subtle controllers can be the worst because they basically don’t talk at all but you can see their disposition in their actions towards people or another person. These are the individuals that you never want to ho to help for because they will hold it over you for 100 years or more and they will, in essence, try to control their relationship with you via money and materialism.

These types of people seem to be okay on the outside but on the inside of their heart, they are full of deceit and lying. Their type of behavior comes on display after the light is turned on in your mind and sometimes our minds are sending us messages that we fail to listen to.

A relationship or friendship with a controller is always unhealthy and will take eventually, lead to the person being controlled, seeking counseling for their problem. When you feel off balance and that you don’t have the freedom to be you or feel that something is rotten in Denmark, then it’s time to check and getting rid of situations that are fully of trouble and contempt.

Self Check Analysis – What goes around comes around

Sometimes, we can be controlling and not know it. If you do have that problem, consider these things:

• Am I sincere in what I’m thinking or doing?
• Am I trying to hold someone hostage?
• Am I being prejudiced?
• Do I hate the person for no reason at all?

You know what goes around, comes around. I am a firm believer in Universal Law and karma. The karma will follow you like a wet blanket until you realize that you have to be baptized into all truth. This truth is the truth about ourselves. Once we are baptized into the higher knowledge of divine knowledge of the soul, then a person has a chance to learn and grow within themselves.

Protecting Yourself from Controlling Behavior

The damage of being controlled even once by someone will persist as long as you remain in the presence is having active communication with the person. Even if the person has perceived to be changed, they could pretty much be the same lame person that they were before and even lamer this time around!

Keep yourself free from these people and you’ll see your environment and health improve.

Joshua Uebergang gives people free interpersonal relationship advice. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. Signup now to his free newsletter at: http://www.free-relationship-advice.org and receive a special bonus that will help you get great relationships.

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There are various reasons why there are single family homes in America. The variables depend on race, culture, heritage and traditional values. The effects can be damaging or can turn out to be good. It all depends on the individual and their will to make any situation better.

African-Americans – A Case Study

African-Americans have the largest numbers of single family homes in America. The question is why and what has caused the average African American family to have a single parent home. If you look at the African-American family from a historical, cultural and American point of view, the facts will shock you.

First of all, African-Americans are an entirely different race with different values than their African counterparts. Factually, many African-Americans don’t have any connection with the continent of Africa alone. Not all people of dark skin come from Africa. There are many Indians, South Americans and Aztecs that the African-American race originated from so there is confusion about the origin of identity.

So identity plays a big part of the makeup of the family unit. If the family unit struggles with identity, then it could take generations for identity and purpose to be developed and found without mental tampering or influence from other cultures. This influences relationships and puts barriers up to what real love comes through which is individual purpose.

So many African-Americans don’t have roots to Africa at all which impacts the way that family and relationships are viewed. The African-American male is seen as irresponsible and not able to sustain a family but is this true.

The myth is that African-American families had strong ties until slavery but this is really a myth. Even before the great Transatlantic Slave Crossing, it was the women in most African tribes that had the power over the children and the family. The man was seen as someone who worked within the village while the woman ran all the affairs of the household and educated the children. For the most part, the man was silent unless he met with other men from the community and tribal villages and he could also easily be divorced from the wife who in turn would have the village help her nurture and take care of the children.

Parts of Africa were a dominant Matriarch society. This carried over to the slave trade in which women had more power than men and could actually get their men sold off to other plantations. This is a hidden taboo that is not talked about in slavery because most of the history is slanted. Some slave owners took Indians and other people from other cultures as wives and not all slave owners were white. There were black, Indian and Caribbean slave owners in the deeper South in places such as, South Carolina, Florida, and Georgia.

In African-American relationships, the woman has always bared the brunt of the responsibility and had more opportunities while the male has struggled to find a place in American society that would accept him but is this really a problem in the 21st Century or is just a matter of updating old belief systems?

Many young black men are incarcerated at an alarming rate. This leaves a shortage of African-American males to head families. The reasons for incarceration are various but many feel that in the black community that there is a deliberate plan to foster single family homes by rendering the black male inoperative in American society. Sadly enough, in many cases, the African-American woman has participated in the system of downgrading the African-American male because of the lack of understanding of individual and corporate purpose and what it means to a relationship.

Many African-American women have raised single families that have turned out to be successful because of their belief in God and community. Many celebrities come from single parent homes that had strong religious backgrounds that kept the fabric of the family together. This attribute is from the spiritual strength and know how of bringing things together even when there’s nothing there all the more powerful and to be respected.

You can have a happy family life and get more free relationship advice online by visiting Free-Relationship-Advice.org

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I know how much it sucks. If you’re single, maybe it sucks for you because:

• Your partner you once loved has left
• Your friends have a partner and you don’t
• You don’t think you’re good enough for someone else to love you
• You wonder whether you’ll ever find a beautiful lady or “Mr Right”

I know how much it really sucks to feel these depressing emotions. It hurts. I understand it is miserable being alone when you could be having fun with someone who loves you.

In past newsletters I’ve discussed some techniques used to build attraction.

These are techniques YOU can use to make another person feel more attracted towards you.

Did you get that?

What this means for you is how YOU communicate verbally and non-verbally determines your attractiveness.

It isn’t about looking more attractive. Rather, it is being perceived attractive through your communication.

Someone who communicates confidence non-verbally does appear more attractive to everyone else…

…But good confidence is just one area that can build attraction.

Maybe you’re wondering is attraction in the words you say?

You bet, but attraction is more then canned words. If words were enough to make someone love you then it’d be just a matter of memorizing a script.

You and I know something goes on much deeper.

There’s a problem though. What actually goes on?

What is the chemistry an exciting couple experience that gets them so turned-on to one another?

People have a hard time of explaining what this whole “firey-emotions” thing a couple feels is. They call it “love”, “attraction”, “love at first sight” but can’t explain what happens…

…But, can you see how this relates to communication?

People who don’t learn communication don’t understand why they argue with people.

People who don’t learn communication don’t understand why their emotions are bottled up inside.

People who don’t learn communication don’t understand why a family member would start yelling at him/her.

THE LINK HERE IS FEELING LOVE AND BEING ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE MELTS DOWN TO COMMUNICATION.

Those who don’t learn attraction communication don’t understand why an exciting couple experience such a sizzle in their relationship and are attracted to one another like two strong magnets.

I have a friend who goes to university and his face looks like its been run over by a car. He isn’t a good looking bloke yet I always see him with at least one lovely lady…sometimes five.

I don’t care how he looks, he might be insecure in how he looks, but do you think the groups of lovely women that are always around him care about his looks?

I seriously doubt it. Groups of guys and girls hang around the opposite sex because they want to be around them.

If the girls found my friend’s looks that repulsive they wouldn’t be around him in the first place.

Okay, so his face looks like its been run over by a car. The chicks dig him. What is he doing differently to you?

Why don’t you have guys or girls following you?

Why don’t you have the opposite sex begging for your attention?

Are you using the lie that you are not good looking enough?

Let me repeat so you understand because you must GET THIS.

OTHERS WILL FEEL ATTRACTED TO YOU IF YOU KNOW HOW TO EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATE ATTRACTION.

My friend with the face that looks like it was run over by a car has the skills to effectively communicate attraction to the women around him.

This is why my friend will never have a problem in being single. He knows how attraction works.

Heck, I enjoy being around this guy because he’s great to talk to. If I was a woman (HOPEFULLY NEVER!), I can see why they are attracted to him.

This shows you the power of being able to communicate attraction.

When you know the skills and how to apply them, people enjoy being around you. They become attracted to your personality.

Your personality and conversational style become a people magnet.

I guarantee you will appear more attractive to others by knowing how to communicate attraction.

So, as you imagine how your life will change with the opposite sex by discovering attraction skills, think of what you will be able to do:

• You will have the opposite sex begging for your attention
• You will have the opposite sex crawling over you
• Your friends will be begging to know your secrets as attraction will be a mystery to them
• You’ll stop drowning in misery over being alone and single
• You will no longer be afraid of talking to a sexy girl or nice guy

What other possibilities have you imagined?

Feel what it will be like to have a partner hungry for you.

This is all possible.

It is about developing the communication skills to build attraction.

I’ve got great news for you today, AT LAST, you will be able to develop attraction building skills to “pull in” someone you want like a magnet pulling in metal. It’s all about communicating attraction.

For over 1 solid year I have strongly recommended and put my name behind two eBooks. One is for single guys who want these attraction skills in their lives and the other ebook is for women wanting to get these attraction skills to attract “Mr Right”.

FOR SINGLE GUYS

If you’re a single guy who wants to be able to turn a woman on (at your will), this IS for YOU.

It doesn’t matter that you can’t go up to a lady and start a conversation because this will solve it for you.

It doesn’t matter even if you can’t look a hot woman in her eyes because this is, in fact for you.

The eBook you’re about to learn more on in a link below is called “Double Your Dating” by David DeAngelo.

David DeAngelo has taught at least over 500 000 thousand single men (he teaches over 1 million people attraction including married guys and women who “spy in” and learn from him) how to turn a woman on using attraction skills.

To learn more of how you can get your hands on the steering wheel of your life with women so you are in control (instead of women and situations controlling you), you will at last discover with your copy of “Double Your Dating” by clicking here.

FOR SINGLE WOMEN

If you’re a single woman sick-and-tired of not finding a nice guy you share a “connection” with, then you’ll love this.

If you are fed-up with guys scared to commit to a serious relationship, then you’ll love this.

If you want to discover AT LAST, how you can attract “Mr Right” and feel that magical connection, this is for you.

The eBook you’re about to learn more on in a link below is called “catch Him and Keep Him” by Christian Carter.

This eBook has helped women from all around the world attract men. These women no longer lose the “magical connection” they experience when meeting a new guy they think is “Mr Right”. These women also no longer experience a failing “big talk” where most men shut you out as you try to communicate to them.

To learn how you can attract “Mr Right” and keep him for good instead of feeling distanced from him, visit “Catch Him and Keep Him” by clicking here.

To your new attraction success,

Joshua Uebergang

P.S. Here are the links again so you don’t miss out on learning these powerful attraction skills to attract the guy or girl you want into your life:

- Single guys: “Double Your Dating”
- Single women: “Catch Him and Keep Him”

Acknowledging Anger

Wouldn’t you just love to tell him what a sorry human being he is? How he didn’t respect you and treated you like dirt. Well, do It! Take a piece of paper and write down everything that he did wrong. Release all the anger that has been bottled up. Get it all off your chest. Tell him how he hurt your feelings and how you suffered to make the marriage work. Don’t be surprised if this letter goes on for pages, just get it all out.

Now for the important part…….Do Not Give Him This Letter. It would only re-enforce the impact that he had on your life. Burn it or throw it away. Allow yourself to release that anger and resentment. It’s over and done with. You’ve acknowledged the hurt and are now ready to figure out what went wrong and move on.

Gaining Insight

Gaining insight into why your marriage failed helps you to move on to healthier relationships in the future. Start by thinking about what attracted you to him in the first place. Maybe he was handsome, strong, or wealthy. What benefits did you get from the marriage? Maybe it was security, companionship, or a sense of belonging. These are the things that are important to your core being, and the difficulties in your marriage probably stemmed from threats to these areas.

Perspective

Knowing what part he played in the problems is easy, but you also need to recognize how you contributed. Owning up to responsibility is probably the hardest part.

Most women grew up with the image of the “White Knight” who rides in and takes charge. The princess falls in love and stands behind her man. The only problem is that this fairy tale usually doesn’t have a happy ending because the power of choice is removed. You are swept through life by circumstances and decisions of others.

If you can own up to your participation in the marriage, you have gained power. For example, by admitting that you stayed in a bad marriage for economic reasons, you therefore, can choose to find a good paying job and leave. When your perspective is one of choice, you gain power and control over your life.

Admitting that you put up with a bad situation out of choice allows you now to make decisions to do things differently in your new life. Once you accept responsibility for your life, be careful to not turn your anger inward. You did the best you could in your given situation. It’s in the past, and you now have the power to move forward. Release the hold that anger has over helps you to regain control over your life again. You no longer need to feel like a victim, and your self esteem will begin to rise.

Tracy Achen is the author of “DIVORCE 101: A Womans Guide to Divorce”, and publisher of a website to help women cope with divorce. At WomansDivorce.com we have one focus – helping women survive their divorce and rebuild their lives. For additional articles and information on divorce, visit the web site at http://www.womansdivorce.com

If you’d like to discover more about overcoming a divorce, then I highly recommend “Divorce Secrets” which you can get today by clicking here.

One of the biggest primers in not living with a relationship partner is moral values. Mostly common for those with religion beliefs, these people believe living together gives temptations that will break those beliefs. The best cure is usually prevention and so these people prevent the temptation by having moral values and not diverting from them. If you are uncertain of how to address this issue in your relationship, instead of directly talking to your new partner about their moral values, ask about their religion beliefs and their beliefs on people living together before marriage. Talking to your partner about this primary issue is a must to successfully live together in a happy relationship.

The funniest thing for outsiders and the most frustrating aspect about living together with someone whom you have a new relationship with is seeing annoying habits in your partner you hadn’t seen before. If you’re a guy and you are use to seeing your girlfriend dressed beautifully for a Friday night out on the town or a relaxing dinner, you have been conditioned to see her in this nice spotlight. The times you see your girlfriend will probably be when she is “at her best”. What you often don’t see is her sick, in a crabby mood, or snoring louder then a pig snorting. Realize that the two of you will see qualities and behaviors in your partner that you have never seen.

It’s also important to sort out financial issues. Determine how the expenses are paid for and the income distributed beforehand. Who pays for household objects? How will you keep track? Think like a legal will. How will the assets be distributed should you split up?

Don’t think the two of you will not break up. When going into business partnership, it is dangerously common mistake to not seek out these issues with your business partner. I’ve heard lots of business stories where partners whom are actually best friends, have one business partner leave the partnership and legal battles result as they didn’t address these possible issues because “they would never split up”. Make a personal risk management plan where you prepare for “what if” problems that could result in future stress and financial problems.

Living with a new relationship partner doesn’t have to be torture or unsuccessful. Understanding the important issues listed in this article before making that big decision to move in together will prevent you from wrongly moving in together causing a break up or being unhappy with living together. Relationships aren’t meant to be miserable so don’t make them by making a wrong choice in living together!

Joshua Uebergang is owner of http://www.Free-Relationship-Advice.org where he teaches people free relationship advice. You can get more help for breaking up a relationship by visiting the site. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers.

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When two people live together in an intimate relationship, there are always going to be things that happen to cause hurt feelings and anger. These things may range from minor incidents involving slights and lack of consideration to major ones such as sexual betrayal.

It’s all-too-easy to develop the habit of repeatedly replaying all the wrongs a spouse has committed and then to start feeling victimized. Resentment, blame, anger, and bitterness are heavy burdens that hold us back, weight us down, and keep us stuck in a view of ourselves as victims.

Forgiving a spouse does not mean that you avoid or repress your feelings. On the contrary, it’s important that you acknowledge your pain and loss so that you can express your feelings, get them out into the light of day, and let them run a natural, healing course.

“Certainly others are to blame for their mistakes,” write John Gray, “but they are not to blame for our feelings. To forgive is to release another from being responsible for how we feel. By finding forgiveness, we are then free to let go of our pain. Although it is true that our partner may make us feel upset, we must also recognize that we have the power to let go of our pain.”

Gray also states, “By feeling gratitude for the good times and forgiveness for the mistakes, the heart is filled with the love it needs to heal itself.” Viewed this way, forgiveness releases the toxins of resentment and blame and allows the heart to recover.

Each spouse faces the same choice: Do I hang on to my feelings of hurt and pain or do I forgive my partner? For some spouses, the decision to forgive is viewed as letting a partner off the hook and minimizing the damage the partner has done.

It’s as though they don’t want the partner to see them laughing and having fun because then the partner might not suffer as much emotionally. Thus, the reluctance to forgive can be a way of keeping control and making sure that the partner keeps feeling guilty and miserable over what has happened.

When you feel deeply hurt by your spouse’s words or actions, it takes time to recover from the wound. It’s important to clearly state your feelings to your spouse and to share just how much the words or actions have impacted you. It’s also important to consider whether the deed was one caused inadvertently by lack of awareness or lack of knowledge or if it was deliberate.

To forgive a spouse is not the same as minimizing hurtful or harmful behavior. It’s also not about pretending things are fine when they aren’t. The goal is not to flash a fake smile and say “That’s okay” when you’re feeling like you’ve been stabbed in the heart.

But there’s a major difference between feeling hurt and struggling to regroup for a few weeks or months versus still being consumed with anger, resentment, and bitterness a year later. The longer the wound festers, the worse it gets.

How Do You Know When It’s Time to Forgive?

The following statements may help you to recognize if you’re ready to forgive and let go:

You forgive when you have a stronger desire to move toward health, healing, and wholeness than you do to keep singing your “She did me wrong” or “Poor Me” theme songs.

You forgive when you are tired of being stuck in the emotional and spiritual desert of despair, anger, bitterness, revenge, and resentment.

You forgive when you realize that your negative emotions are destroying your sense of spiritual connection, your peace of mind, your health, and your ability to laugh, play, and enjoy life.

You forgive when you realize that not only are you suffering, but your resistance to forgiving your spouse is also causing anguish to your children and other family members.

You forgive when you realize that you are no longer able to live in the present moment and to be totally emotionally available when you are with your family members and friends because you are constantly thinking about the past.

You forgive when you want to move on with your life and restore peace and harmony to your marriage and life.

How Do You Forgive?

Forgiveness is a process. Mary Nurries Stearns writes, “We make the decision to forgive, again and again. Saying words of forgiveness is the first step. Reciting the words creates an opening and willingness, and moves us into a body, heart, mind, spirit process of remembering and releasing.” She continues:

“We begin by letting go of our unforgiving stance. We acknowledge the events and feelings that really happened. We admit that the past cannot be changed. However, through healing, we can leave those yesterdays in the past and create a better tomorrow.

“Realizing that forgiveness is our own personal journey, we release expectations that others will respond to our work, even though each person’s healing has positive rippling effects. While journaling, drawing, dancing, breathing, and talking, we face whatever our body, heart, spirit, and mind present next for our healing. Through these processes, we begin relating differently to our suffering.

“We don’t hold back. We gently swathe our pain with love. We allow thoughts and feelings to arise into awareness where they are recognized and permitted to pass on through. Setting aside sacred time daily, we pray and meditate on forgiveness, and we commune with the divine. And we trust–knowing that grace and a great wisdom are embracing our efforts.”

Some individuals feel a dramatic shift when they decide to forgive a spouse, and for others, forgiveness entails releasing anger and resentment in smaller bits over a longer time. But the important thing is to make a beginning before the weight of the negative feelings pulls you under. Make an appointment to talk to a minister or a counselor if you are stuck and can’t move forward.

When you forgive, you open a door that was not open before. This door leads to a field of possibilities for a new kind of relationship with your spouse.

Regardless of how your partner reacts, you are changed by the act of releasing and forgiving. You are holding your spouse in a different kind of heart space–a space where anything is possible, where relationships can be transformed and where love can reveal itself in unexpected new ways.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner, available at www.ControllingSpouse.com. She is also co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” which is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, as well as a free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to individuals and couples

If you’d like to discover more about having a successful and happy marriage, then I highly recommend “Save My Marriage Today!” which you can get today by clicking here.

There are very legitimate reasons for feeling hurt and wronged, such as a partner who is disrespectful, inconsiderate, unsupportive, or unfaithful. But if you remain stuck in resentment, anger, bitterness, or vengeance, you will be unable to move on with your life in a healthy way. Holding grudges and hanging on to negative feelings reduces your capacity to enjoy life and to have maximum energy in the present moment.

Lewis B. Smedes, in The Art of Forgiving, makes the following points about what forgiveness is and what it is not:

Forgiving does not mean that we excuse the person who did it.

Forgiving does not mean that we invite someone who hurt us once to hurt us again.

Forgiving someone who did us wrong does not mean that we tolerate the wrong he or she did.

Forgiveness is not about reunion. Being reconciled to another person as a human being and embracing him/her as a best friend are two different things.

Forgiveness happens inside the person who does it.

So when should you forgive? “We forgive,” shares Smedes, “when we feel a strong wish to be free from the pain that glues us to a bruised moment of the past.

We forgive when we want to overcome the resentment that separates us from the person who wounded us. We forgive when we feel God’s Spirit nudging us with an impulse to pull ourselves out of the sludge of our disabling resentment. We forgive when we are ready to move toward a future unshackled from a painful past we cannot undo.”

When you hang on to the desire to hurt someone else, you are only hurting yourself. In The Heart of the Enlightened, Anthony de Mello states: “It is impossible to help another without helping yourself, or to harm another without harming yourself.”

He illustrates this by a story about Nasruddin, who was muttering to himself delightedly when his friend asked him what it was all about. Said Nasruddin, “That idiot Ahmed keeps slapping me on the back each time he sees me. Well, I’ve put a stick of dynamite under my coat today, so this time when he slaps me he’ll blow his arm off!”

Practice Forgiveness for Your Own Benefit

This is exactly what happens when you are vengeful and deliberately hurt another person–you end up harming yourself. At such times, you may find yourself asking, “Is there another way to resolve this?” or “What do I do now?” The choice you make affects your potential to heal and lead a life of harmony, contentment, and happiness.

If you hang onto your “I’ve been done wrong” song, you’ll begin to think of yourself as a victim of other people and circumstances. As you continue to sing this song, you’ll find yourself approaching life from a victim orientation of helplessness, powerlessness, and weakness. Then it becomes easy to forget that you always have choices in how you will react to others and to circumstances.

According to Gary Zukav, “Forgiveness is letting go of your resentment, disappointment, anger, and hurt. When you do, you are free from these prisons. They no longer captivate your attention. They no longer intrude on your thoughts and your sleep. You are no longer steeped in anger and righteous indignation. You no longer feel the need to convince others that you have been wronged. You give up being a victim, and step into a lighter, less restricted consciousness…You cannot live with a light and happy heart and be a victim at the same time.”

In speaking of forgiveness in her book Life! Louise L. Hay states: “We must release the past and forgive everyone. We are the ones who suffer when we hold on to past grievances. We give the situations and the people in our past power over us, and these same situations and people keep us mentally enslaved. They continue to control us when we stay stuck in ‘unforgiveness.’

This is why forgiveness work is so important. Forgiveness–letting go of the ones who hurt us–is letting go of our identity as the one who was hurt. It allows us to be set free from the needless cycle of pain, anger, and recrimination that keeps us imprisoned in our own suffering. What we forgive is not the act, but the actors–we are forgiving their suffering, confusion, unskillfulness, desperation, and their humanity. As we get the feelings out and let them go, we can then move on.”

Ron Roth, in The Healing Path of Prayer, writes that “Forgiveness must not be conceived as an act of condoning the poor behavior of another toward us, but rather as an act of release on our part in relation to the person we feel has harmed us. In that act of release, we place the individual in God’s light and allow that light to dissolve the negative energy into which we once were plugged. Having unplugged psychically from past negative actions directed against us, we are now prepared to be filled with the positive energy of freedom and joy.”

Harold S. Kusher, in How Good Do We Have to Be? tells of counseling a divorcee who was still seething about her husband’s leaving her for another woman years before and then falling behind on child support payments. She asked him, “How can you expect me to forgive him after what he’s done to me and the children?”

Kushner answered, “I’m not asking you to forgive him because what he did wasn’t so terrible; it was terrible. I’m suggesting that you forgive him because he doesn’t deserve to have this power to turn you into a bitter, resentful woman. When he left, he gave up the right to inhabit your life and mind to the degree that you’re letting him. Your being angry at him doesn’t harm him, but it hurts you. It’s turning you into someone you don’t really want to be. Release that anger, not for his sake–he probably doesn’t deserve it–but for your sake, so that the real you can emerge.”

When you’re dealing with someone who might hurt you or your loved ones, you need to put strong, effective boundaries in place for self-protection. By doing this, you are taking good care of yourself and also trying to help the other person not to accumulate more negative energy in his or her life. “It is never a loving act to allow a person the opportunity to hurt us,” states John Gray.

Talane Miedaner counsels, “At some level people know when they are doing a number of you and they don’t really want to get away with it. If you let them get away with it, not only do you diminish yourself, but you also diminish them.”

The concept of mercy isn’t talked about much in our modern day society. Mercy involves refraining from harming or punishing others who have wronged you in some way. Mary Nurries Stearns writes, “Forgiveness is an intimate relationship with mercy that soothes pain, dissolves anger, and releases attitudes that don’t serve our own life potential or humanity.”

You have to look at the cost to yourself when you cannot be merciful and forgive another person. George Herbert cautions, “He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.”

When you forgive another, you free yourself from the burden of resentment and living in the past. Zukav summarizes, “Forgiving is choosing a light and happy heart instead of resentment.” And as Smedes reminds us, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner, available at www.ControllingSpouse.com. She is also co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” which is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, as well as a free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to individuals and couples

If you’d like to discover more about having a successful and happy marriage, then I highly recommend “Save My Marriage Today!” which you can get today by clicking here.

More often than not, breaking up is as hard on the person ending the relationship as it is on the person being broken up with. Realize that a person is breaking up has nothing to do with caring about another person. Caring about somebody and wanting a relationship are not the same.

The majority of people on this planet do not like to hurt others, especially somebody they have been close to. Guilt has been used more often than not to keep relationships together. Fight this urge and believe in yourself! When you allow guilt as a way to stop a break up you not only cheat yourself out of having a good and true relationship, you’ll foster resentment towards the other person which could lead to greater pain and heart ache in the future. Why would you want to be with somebody who makes you feel bad by allowing you to feel guilty? Respect yourself!!

A man should exit gracefully by planning the break up, to minimize the grief caused to his partner

Don’t just ignore her hoping she will notice and go away. You might have learned a little bit about push /pull as a term we use in seduction. That only tends to bring somebody in closer. Which is the exact opposite of what you want.

The I think you’re a great girl and I don’t deserve you line will seem ok to her at first, but later on she will start to resent that. She could also go into how you DO deserve her and try to convince you.

Honesty really is the best policy. Treating the relationship, and the person, with respect and dignity helps soften the blow.

When you break up, do it in person. Show some integrity and sincerity to tell her that the relationship isn’t going anywhere. In our workshops we teach how verbal communication is only 7% of the total communication between people. If she also sees closed off body language it will be easier for closure for her eventually.

Telling somebody you are breaking up in person is never easy, but you owe it to her to break the news to her personally. This means not on the phone, definitely not over e-mail, but rather, face to face where she can get eye contact and read your body language. The universal line of “we need to talk” should be given in advance. This allows her to prepare for what is coming and helps soften the blow a little bit. Do not put too much time between the “We need to talk” and actual breakup as the waiting time in between is very uncomfortable if delayed long.

On doing some research on this I read a suggestion about breaking up in the exact same place you met if possible. This is to suggest that the relationship has completed a circle. A place where she has a lot of happy memories might help neutralize some of the new sad ones.

Ending a relationship gracefully means speaking our piece without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility for another’s feelings. It is important to make eye contact, and give body language that is open while you are communicating (which suggests you are VERY open to what you are saying) than give closed off body language after finishing your piece. To suggest you are not open to hearing anything else. Say your words sincerely, leave no room for doubt, and never back down – especially when she starts to cry and you feel horrible.

Than give that person some space usually a few months at least. Do not try to get cozy with the person as this can really mess with somebody’s head a lot as they will use this as hope that you are getting back together. This is the only way to keep pain to a minimum when ending a relationship.

Robert Torrey is one of the trainers for Fidentia a company that teaches men dating confidence with live workshops. Go to www.fidentia.org for more info

In some cases, the affair is planned out in advance as a deliberate way to get even and cause pain to the partner. In other cases, the betrayed spouse confides in a sympathetic friend or co-worker and ends up becoming emotionally bonded with that person, eventually resulting in a sexual affair. There are other situations where the spouse impulsively picks up someone in a bar and has a one-night stand.

The affair or one-night stand results from a combination of feelings–betrayal, shock, outrage, grief, hurt, numbness, the desire for revenge, and the feeling that being faithful doesn’t matter anymore now that the partner has crossed the line. The betrayed spouse wants to “even the score,” to seek comfort and solace in someone else’s arms, and to prop up self-esteem and feelings of being sexually desirable.

There’s also the feeling on the part of the betrayed spouse that the partner can’t say anything about the retaliation affair because he or she did the same thing. There’s also often the feeling that the “get even affair” is the fault of the partner who had the first affair, and he (or she) gets the blame for everything that has happened.

The betrayed spouse may tell the partner: “This is all your fault. If you hadn’t had the affair that you did, none of this would have happened.” He (or she) may be unwilling to accept any responsibility for what has taken place, and he may become mired in blame. (This, of course, is a cop-out. Each person is always responsible for individual choices and decisions.)

While it’s easy to understand how a retaliation or get even affair can happen, dealing with the aftermath certainly isn’t easy. The relationship dynamics were already complicated and messy, and now they are even more so.

Retaliation affairs only make things worse. Here are ten reasons why:

1. When the original affair took place, there was already one person too many in the marriage relationship–now there are two people too many, with all of the complications and complexity that brings with it. The marriage problems are compounded when this happens.

2. The outside person who has been drawn into the retaliation affair is likely to end up feeling used and taken advantage of when the dust settles. And using someone else sexually never produces the kind of energy that you want to invite into your life. Plus, afterwards there can be lingering guilt and regret.

3. Because the retaliation affair is based on wanting to hurt your partner, nothing good can come of it. This quote by Charley Reese sums up why: “It is never wise to seek or wish for another’s misfortune. If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be a boomerang.”

4. Having a retaliation affair is right up there with “cutting off your nose to spite your face” and “shooting yourself in the foot.” This means that you’ll only be hurting yourself more than anyone else if you let your anger and desire for revenge get the upper hand.

5. Engaging in a “get even fling” will only drive a bigger wedge between you and your partner and make it harder for you to address the real problems in the marriage. It will also serve as a diversion from focusing on the deeper, underlying issues.

6. The retaliation affair or one night stand offers only temporary escape from the pain and distress. When the brief interlude is over, the heartache is still there. There’s no getting around the fact that “You take yourself with you wherever you go.” The temporary escape won’t bring you lasting happiness or joy.

7. Getting even with your partner by having sex with someone else won’t help you accomplish the goal of rebuilding and restoring your marriage. It will only take you further down the road toward dissention, irreconcilable differences, separation, and divorce.

8. If you have children, they can be adversely affected by your actions. Kids learn about relationships, problem solving, and how to handle crisis and anger from their parents. It’s important to model the kind of behavior and reactions that you want them to learn and adopt in their life.

9. You never go wrong by taking the “high road.” On the other hand, you invite negative energy, disharmony, conflict, and unpleasantness into your life when you take the “low road.” It can take a long time to untangle yourself from the mess you’ve created.

10. The saying, “Two wrongs don’t make a right” has been quoted through the years because it’s true–just because someone else “did you wrong” doesn’t make it okay for you to do the same thing to them. There’s another saying that applies here: “He who seeks revenge should dig two graves.”

Hard as it can be to resist the urge to get even or retaliate, the most helpful action you can take if you are the betrayed spouse is to find an experienced counselor who can help you cope with the painful situation.

That way, you’ll have the support, encouragement, and objective feedback that you need to make sound, thoughtful decisions and avoid a rash “knee jerk” response that will tear your relationship apart even more.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner, available at www.ControllingSpouse.com. She is also co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I dont love you anymore!” which is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, as well as a free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to individuals and couples

If you’d like to discover more about overcoming an affair to have a successful and happy relationship, then I highly recommend “How to Survive an Affair” which you can get today by clicking here.

It sounds almost too good to be true.

The skill that will give you these benefits is effective communication. In fact, the benefits of communication are too big to list here because communication enhances so many aspects of your life. Rudyard Kipling said “Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” Guess what? Communication goes beyond words so imagine how powerful it is now?

Here are a list of communication benefits and what, why, and how this amazing skill will definitely change your life:

Gives you happiness – You’ve probably heard money can’t buy happiness. This is true. You become happy by taking the right actions. Think about it. Happiness is at the core of the actions you take. The actions you make are not happiness itself but create and surround happiness. By taking action on developing yourself, you become happier. Effective communication skills make you happier by having joyous relationships, reduces anger of both parties talking, correctly express yourself, and other reasons.

Makes you attractive – The law of attraction states that you are a living magnet. You attract the people and resources in your life based on your internal self. Get excited because you do have invisible forces that draw and repel people. This isn’t mystical mumbo jumbo. There are many earthling factors such as communication and self development that you can control to attract people in your life. Communication goes way beyond verbal and non-verbal language. It is also the self development aspects such as confidence that create effective communication.

You become intimate – How do people become open in a relationship? Good communication of course because it is the only “bridge” between a relationship. Intimacy is about both people being open in a relationship. It is only through intimacy that a couple is able to know each other thoroughly.

More loving – This ties in with intimacy. You can be more loving towards your family by not only correctly communicating to them, but also through receiving their communication by using active listening skills. Showing interest in someone’s live will reciprocate to you interest and love.

Increased popularity – While a primary goal of mine in teaching others communication isn’t to make them the best known and most liked person in their school/town/club, it is rather increasing your popularity or likeability of the people you know now. However, effective communication can definitely make you popular amongst others because your conversational skills and friendliness will sky rocket.

More successful – John Johanson and Carrie Fried in the 2002 Teaching of Psychology Journal, asked graduates what their most useful skill was. The number one answer was interpersonal skills. Drew Appleby in a well known psychology magazine “Eye on Psi Chi” asked what job skills 39 employers desire in hiring people. Interpersonal skills were number one again. In fact, Brian Tracy (world renowned personal business consultant) in “Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life” says the highest paid form of intelligence in the United States is interpersonal intelligence. A person with such intelligence understands other’s feelings and desires, and employers are willing to pay for someone with these skills.

Relaxed – Stress is related to how we manage ourselves with the outside world. You can become more relaxed by assertively telling someone “no” if they ask you to do something you do not want to do. Also, by developing your communication and self using the techniques I teach in my newsletter, you learn to manage your emotions and thoughts to control stressful experiences.

Satisfied – You receive satisfaction when you get what you want. To get what you want, either someone gives it to you, or you get it for yourself. You cannot control what someone gives you (although you can influence), which means to become satisfied you must do it yourself or learn to relate to others. By developing your communication and self, you grow as a person enhancing your skills and creating satisfaction.

Self control – We interact with people everyday and often do things we later wish we hadn’t done. By developing self understanding (very important part in communication) as taught in my newsletter, you develop self control. Controlling yourself isn’t limited to stopping yourself from doing actions, but it also ‘controls’ you to do the right things.

Understand others – As you know, how we feel towards someone is all about our emotions. What often happens is you do not understand the person and their current emotions so you misunderstand them, respond inappropriately, or don’t know how they feel. By using effective communication you learn to read another person’s emotions, understand another person’s emotions, and communicate about another person’s emotions.

Understand yourself – I’m going to say this straight. If you are like most people, you do not understand yourself to your potential and it unknowingly to you hurts your life. Do you know why you behave the way you do? Do you always know what feelings you have? Why do you experience anger towards someone you love? This is why self understanding is so important in communication.

There are an abundance of further benefits to effective communication such as anger management, increased likelihood of receiving a job promotion, more persuasion, better leadership skills, and the list goes on. Hopefully now you can see the true power of communication. Let effective communication change your life today.

Sign-up now to my effective communication and self development newsletter by clicking here.

Joshua Uebergang is owner of EarthlingCommunication.com where he teaches people effective communication and personal development. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. He encourages you to get the amazing benefits you can receive in your life by developing yourself and communication skills by getting your free subscription to his effective communication skills and self development newsletter by clicking here. Signup now and receive a special bonus.

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