Get past the “how are you doing? how’s the wife and kids?” with the response being “good, not so good, or fine” to the story behind each person. This is when you develop connection, and people grow from connection. People seek value and want to contribute. Whether you want to increase business, develop your career, gain support, eliminate barriers, create opportunities, or merely relate and be loved; the benefits of widening your inner circle and going deeper are astronomical.

How easy it is to get comfortable with where we are and who we are with. We sometimes close the door to getting to know others around us who could add great value to our lives. Growth is a tremendous part of human life. We grow physically. We grow in knowledge and wisdom. Many of us strive to grow spiritually. We grow in and out of relationships. It seems that when we are growing the more fulfilled we become. When we are not growing we become disconnected, bored, and frustrated. While you may have many good relationships, is it possible that you are missing out on other remarkable experiences because you have relaxed into your comfort zone? Keep in mind that the more connections we have the more opportunities come our way, and the deeper those connections the more stimulating the relationship. So what is the first step?

The first step is to create the best relationship with the only person you are guaranteed to be with for your entire life. Yes, you! You attract relationships which are a reflection of yourself. So if you do not like who you are attracting, then take the time to develop the relationship with yourself. Take pride in all that you are. When you surrender and let go of all the things you think you should be, you begin the fascinating journey of being who you are meant to be. When you except yourself for all that you are…strengths and weaknesses…you can except others in the same way. You expend less energy when you are authentic, yet you are more likely to have a profound impact on others. When you take full responsibility for your own happiness you remove the burden from others of fulfilling those expectations. This lightens the relationship enabling it to blossom.

What do I mean by widening? As people come and go in and out of our lives they teach us valuable lessons. The more good relationships you have in your circle, the more you set yourself up to have an abundance of support. We could all use that…huh? You open the door for more opportunities to come your way. Behind every opportunity is a human being. I have no doubt that my divorce became easier because of the reserves of friendship I have. I can only imagine how hard it would have been if I felt alone. Recently a few of my friends informed me of their intentions to move. While saddened by the news, I realized that I have become so comfortable with my inner circle that I have not been taking that extra step to open the doors to new friendships. When we first moved in I made it a priority to get to know everyone in the neighborhood, and have been blessed by those relationships for over 6 years. Thus came the idea for this article. I realized that I am missing out because I have become so comfortable. I am quite certain that I am not alone. Yet in my business where I am focused on spreading my wings I continue to be blessed with support and new opportunities…hmmm. So consider widening your circle. Reach out and add a new relationship. Notice how you grow from the connection.

Allow me make a request that you can accept or reject. Try taking your relationships to a deeper level, and see what happens. This is not about digging up your deep, dark secrets so don’t get nervous. Many of us don’t pry because we were raised with the saying “don’t be nosy”. However, it is natural to be curious. One way to gain access to wisdom is by asking “what” questions. “What” questions are a great way to open up an interesting conversation. What was your most incredible experience? What is the most interesting tidbit about your family? What was the best advice you ever received? Another phrase to use is “tell me about…”. Tell me about your home town. Tell me about how you chose your profession. We often bobble on the surface like a beach ball because it is just easier, and never realize the treasures that lie below the surface.

Seek the story behind each person and grow from the connection. Get to the good stuff…Starting Now!

Copyright 2002, Beth A. Tabak, All rights reserved.

Beth Tabak of www.StartingNowCoaching.com is committed to small business coaching & personal life coaching. She is also a speaker and columnist. Beth coaches big thinkers to move beyond limits, stand out in the crowd, and experience the vastness of their capabilities. Stop by to see all the gifts available to you and say “hello”.

1. Set a Goal The first step is to meet with your children, and have them “buy in” to a mutually-developed goal. Explain to them that decisions and goals are made for one of two reasons. That is, to move away from an uncomfortable situation, or to move towards a desired goal. The latter is certainly the better choice.

2. Course Correction Establish a routine of having meetings to discuss progress. If your child is off-course, point out that the specific conduct is not assisting them in moving towards the goal. This isn’t about blame, and the session will be most effective when you sit down together eye-to-eye. Sitting at eye level sets the tone that this will be a discussion rather than an adult-imposed directive. Ensure that your child helps to create the solutions.

3. Catch Them Doing Something Right Walsh says that this technique is highly effective because positive reinforcement boosts self-esteem, the most vital building block of character. Children crave and require love and attention in order to thrive.

Researchers wanted to find out what was more effective with children, praising, criticizing, or just ignoring them. They found that children who were praised experienced a 71 percent rate of overall improvement. Those who were criticized improved by only 19 percent, and the ignored ones improved by just 5 percent. You have to admit that these numbers are significant. In another experiment, researchers behind a one-way mirror observed parents as they interacted with their children. In a specific time period, 433 occurrences of negative feedback were observed, whereas positive reinforcement was used only 31 times. Obviously, negative corrections are necessary when actions could lead to injury or damage.

When you observe your child expressing the desired behavior, say things like: What a cleaver idea. I’m sure glad you are my son/daughter. I noticed that you ____ – Keep it up. You’re getting better and better at that. You showed a lot of responsibility when you ______ . I appreciate the way you ______ . I like the way you ______ without having to be reminded. Now you’ve got it.

This second formula is used by successful speakers and self-help writers. It is so simple that you’ll probably say to yourself, “Of course this makes sense.” Here it is: Make a point, tell a story, and have them do an exercise.

1. Make a Point Successful parents, teachers, and mentors are great at being clear about what they want to teach and why it’s important to the learner.

2. Tell a Story Walsh, a certified clinical hypnotherapist, says that the secret to telling an effective tale is to never reveal the moral of the story. That also means to not link it to the point you’re making. Why? Stay with me here, because Aesop got it all wrong. You want their subconscious minds to process the story to reflect their own core beliefs, and their view or model of the world. Because it becomes personalized, the lesson will be more valuable and effective. If you furnish the lesson of the story, the subconscious mind, which is lazy by nature, will not bother processing the information. The conscious mind will treat the story and its lesson as just another imposed principle, possibly spawning some resistance. That would be a wasted opportunity.

3. Do an Exercise Now for the most powerful part of the three step process: engage them in a game or exercise that really drives home the lesson to be learned. Allow a full day for the story to be processed by their subconscious mind before you suggest a game or exercise.

Here are some effective exercises: Ask them to create a play, TV or radio show based on the story, have them interview an expert on the topic, have them experiment with a variety of behaviors associated with the story. Encourage your child to bring their friends in on the game. Be creative, and have fun with this. The more vivid the experience, the higher impact the lesson will have.

Because these activities are interactive and interpersonal, practicing them will enhance communication and bonding with your children.

International speaker, Dr. Brian E. Walsh is the author of the bestseller Unleashing Your Brilliance and has also co-authored with John Gray and Jack Canfield the self-help book, 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life: Volume 2. Unleashing Your Brilliance

Has your child ever asked you that question? It’s not an easy one to answer. Children are often cruel to one another and their methods for choosing friends are often irrational to the adult mind.

Unfortunately, there is no quick-fix answer to make a child instantly popular. As parents, the best we can do, is guide our children in the right direction and teach them the proper skills necessary for making friends.

Read these ten simple tips with your child. Talk about how your child can implement these steps in their daily lives. Show your child by example what it means to be a good friend.

1. BE WILLING TO TAKE A CHANCE
Yes, it’s scary to go to a new class or move into a new neighborhood where you don’t know anyone. Do you feel like everyone is staring at you? Are you afraid they will laugh at you? Remind your child that someone has to take the first step. If you’re not willing to take a chance, you’ll never make any new friends.

2. FIND SOMEONE WHO LIKES THE SAME THINGS YOU DO
It’s true; some people are best friends and have nothing in common. But most people become friends because they both like to ride bicycles, go roller-skating or play computer games together. Make a list of things your child likes to do. Who do you know that likes the same things? Encourage them to spend time together.

3. LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU LIKE THEM
Remind your child that you don’t know when he’s hungry unless he tells you. No one can read minds. Other children are often just as shy or insecure as your child.

4. MAKE THEM FEEL IMPORTANT
Everybody has something they do really well. And no one ever gets enough compliments. Teach your child to appreciate other people’s strengths. It will show they really care.

5. DON’T WORRY SO MUCH
Some children are natural born worriers. It’s easy to start to wonder – does my new friend really like me? Remind your child that if they’re talking with you and spending time with you, chances are they DO like you.

6. TAKE TIME TO LISTEN AND TIME TO GIVE
Even very young children like to share the exciting moments of their day with someone. Encourage your child to listen as much as they talk. Listening to each other talk about the good things and bad is called support. A friend is the best support system you can have.

7. DON’T KEEP SCORE
Friendships aren’t always a 50-50 split. Someone always needs a little more than the other one. That’s okay. Remind your child that when they do a favor for a friend they don’t need to expect something in return.

8. ACCEPT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU
Tell your child that best friends do not need to be twins. Friends can and should dress differently and like to do different things. Teach your child to appreciate a friend and to not try and change them.

9. LEARN HOW TO APOLOGIZE AND HOW TO FORGIVE
When your child hurts a friend’s feelings, encourage them to say, “I’m sorry.” When your child’s feelings are hurt, don’t let them hold a grudge.

10. WORK AT BEING A GOOD FRIEND
Let your child know that good friendships don’t just happen, they take work. It’s like growing a garden – if you plant some flowers and just water them once in a while, they might still live, but they wouldn’t be very pretty to look at. Take care of your friendship, feed it well, and encourage it to grow.

Friends are an important part of your child’s social training. Good friendships build self-esteem and encourages emotional growth. Make sure your child has the skills to build solid friendships, and remind them that the best way to keep a friend is to be a good one yourself!

Susan Taylor Brown is the author of books for children including Can I Pray With My Eyes Open?, Oliver’s Must-Do List, and Robert Smalls Sails to Freedom.
You can read more about her at: http://www.susantaylorbrown.com

If you’re reading this right now and you’d like to learn more great parenting tips and strategies for raising happy children who have great relationships with you, then I highly recommend “Positive Parenting” which you can get today by clicking here.

You don’t feel altogether comfortable about it and you aren’t sure what to say or how to start. This is quite normal because menstruation has been, and still is a TABOO subject – people just don’t like to talk about it.

This is what makes it difficult for most parents to speak openly with their daughters about the changes of puberty.

We have put together a few ideas to make it easier for you to approach this time with confidence.

Step 1 – KNOW YOUR MATERIAL

Having the right information and knowing exactly what happens during menstruation is a helpful way to get over the taboo. The more you know your ‘material’ – the more comfortable you are going to be about discussing it.

There are many resources available to you, both in print and on the web.

From a purely physical or biological perspective, the things your daughter will need to understand include:

* the mechanics of how women bleed

* what happens each month to their body

* what do women use to catch the flow (types, brands, alternatives) and how they use it.

* simple pain management

* how to chart and keep track of a cycle.

* fertility basics

Girls are getting their periods at a younger age, so be selective about what your daughter needs to know at any stage. A young girl of 10 or 11, needs simpler information than a girl who is 14 or 15.

The key is to open communication channels, or have information available so they can absorb what they are ready for.

For example – If you have a daughter who is younger, coming to grips with the physical aspects may be a priority for her. For example, what to use, when do periods come etc. She doesn’t need to know about how to recognise her fertility at this stage but you certainly can plant seeds for further discussion at a later stage. You can explain to her that her body gives signals about its state of fertility, that each phase of the cycle has a distinct purpose and that when she is older she can learn how to recognise the special signals her body is sending her.

It is a good idea to look at menstruation not only from a physical point of view but also the emotional point of view. After all, after your daughter has the facts and the physicality under control – learning to deal with the emotional ups and downs and change in moods will be the next major task, and one that will also impact the people around her.

Step 2 DE-SENSITISE YOURSELF

The more you talk about and think about menstruation the more ordinary it becomes – take my word for it. I have been writing and discussing menstruation for the last 10 years and for me, it is just part of life. So practise. Practise on your spouse or good friends first, before you try it on your daughter. That way you won’t be as embarrassed which will instantly guarantee a much better outcome.

Step 3 – THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF AWARENESS

It is very important to be aware of your own feelings and thoughts on the subject of menstruation. We all have subconscious beliefs about what menstruation means, and often they are not positive. Taking the time to think about and reframe your own attitude to menstruation can diffuse some of the discomfort and embarrassment you might feel.

If you are a woman – and your own passing into puberty was fraught with shame and disapproval, now is the time to look at the menstrual cycle in a different light. Do you really want your daughter carrying on this negative legacy? What does it mean to you that your daughter is growing up and maturing sexually?

The second question can be especially difficult to confront if your daughter is in the younger bracket of the puberty spectrum. Girls are getting their periods at a younger and younger age, caused in part by the abundance of synthetic hormones in the food we eat and a more sedentary lifestyle.

It is important to remember that just because your daughters body is maturing it doesn’t mean that her mind or emotions are making the same quantum leap. The whole puberty process can take a couple of years so there is time to get used to it all. And your daughter may not necessarily become sexually active just because she has her periods.

How do YOU feel?

Adolescence is the start of something new – childhood slips into the past. As with any change and time of transition, there are many feelings that come to the surface. Grief at time lost, fear of what is in the future, anger at factors we can’t control or our own aging process as we see our daughters stepping into their prime.

It is not an easy time. Being open to your own conflicting emotions and being able to put them in perspective means that you are less likely to get caught up in conflicts and more able to lovingly support your daughter through her transition.

Step 4 – KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN.

Be ready to talk when they need it. It can be funny – we get ourselves all psyched up to have this super important talk with our children only to find they don’t seem to be at all interested. Then at another time, out of the blue they are ready and catch us unprepared.

Take the opportunity to talk when it comes. Have your knowledge ready and remember they often need information in small bite size chunks. Don’t be too disappointed when you don’t get the chance to let them know the whole story in one go.

Another good strategy is to have books available to your child, conveniently lying around the house so that they can access the information for themselves. It’s a good idea to use these books as a starting point for discussions and remember there are resources available for you too.

If you’d like to learn more great tips and strategies for helping out your teen and having a great relationship, then I highly recommend “Teenager Parenting 101″ which you can get today by clicking here.

It sounds almost too good to be true.

The skill that will give you these benefits is effective communication. In fact, the benefits of communication are too big to list here because communication enhances so many aspects of your life. Rudyard Kipling said “Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” Guess what? Communication goes beyond words so imagine how powerful it is now?

Here are a list of communication benefits and what, why, and how this amazing skill will definitely change your life:

Gives you happiness – You’ve probably heard money can’t buy happiness. This is true. You become happy by taking the right actions. Think about it. Happiness is at the core of the actions you take. The actions you make are not happiness itself but create and surround happiness. By taking action on developing yourself, you become happier. Effective communication skills make you happier by having joyous relationships, reduces anger of both parties talking, correctly express yourself, and other reasons.

Makes you attractive – The law of attraction states that you are a living magnet. You attract the people and resources in your life based on your internal self. Get excited because you do have invisible forces that draw and repel people. This isn’t mystical mumbo jumbo. There are many earthling factors such as communication and self development that you can control to attract people in your life. Communication goes way beyond verbal and non-verbal language. It is also the self development aspects such as confidence that create effective communication.

You become intimate – How do people become open in a relationship? Good communication of course because it is the only “bridge” between a relationship. Intimacy is about both people being open in a relationship. It is only through intimacy that a couple is able to know each other thoroughly.

More loving – This ties in with intimacy. You can be more loving towards your family by not only correctly communicating to them, but also through receiving their communication by using active listening skills. Showing interest in someone’s live will reciprocate to you interest and love.

Increased popularity – While a primary goal of mine in teaching others communication isn’t to make them the best known and most liked person in their school/town/club, it is rather increasing your popularity or likeability of the people you know now. However, effective communication can definitely make you popular amongst others because your conversational skills and friendliness will sky rocket.

More successful – John Johanson and Carrie Fried in the 2002 Teaching of Psychology Journal, asked graduates what their most useful skill was. The number one answer was interpersonal skills. Drew Appleby in a well known psychology magazine “Eye on Psi Chi” asked what job skills 39 employers desire in hiring people. Interpersonal skills were number one again. In fact, Brian Tracy (world renowned personal business consultant) in “Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life” says the highest paid form of intelligence in the United States is interpersonal intelligence. A person with such intelligence understands other’s feelings and desires, and employers are willing to pay for someone with these skills.

Relaxed – Stress is related to how we manage ourselves with the outside world. You can become more relaxed by assertively telling someone “no” if they ask you to do something you do not want to do. Also, by developing your communication and self using the techniques I teach in my newsletter, you learn to manage your emotions and thoughts to control stressful experiences.

Satisfied – You receive satisfaction when you get what you want. To get what you want, either someone gives it to you, or you get it for yourself. You cannot control what someone gives you (although you can influence), which means to become satisfied you must do it yourself or learn to relate to others. By developing your communication and self, you grow as a person enhancing your skills and creating satisfaction.

Self control – We interact with people everyday and often do things we later wish we hadn’t done. By developing self understanding (very important part in communication) as taught in my newsletter, you develop self control. Controlling yourself isn’t limited to stopping yourself from doing actions, but it also ‘controls’ you to do the right things.

Understand others – As you know, how we feel towards someone is all about our emotions. What often happens is you do not understand the person and their current emotions so you misunderstand them, respond inappropriately, or don’t know how they feel. By using effective communication you learn to read another person’s emotions, understand another person’s emotions, and communicate about another person’s emotions.

Understand yourself – I’m going to say this straight. If you are like most people, you do not understand yourself to your potential and it unknowingly to you hurts your life. Do you know why you behave the way you do? Do you always know what feelings you have? Why do you experience anger towards someone you love? This is why self understanding is so important in communication.

There are an abundance of further benefits to effective communication such as anger management, increased likelihood of receiving a job promotion, more persuasion, better leadership skills, and the list goes on. Hopefully now you can see the true power of communication. Let effective communication change your life today.

Sign-up now to my effective communication and self development newsletter by clicking here.

Joshua Uebergang is owner of EarthlingCommunication.com where he teaches people effective communication and personal development. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. He encourages you to get the amazing benefits you can receive in your life by developing yourself and communication skills by getting your free subscription to his effective communication skills and self development newsletter by clicking here. Signup now and receive a special bonus.

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Number one on my list is reading another person’s behaviour in an unnecessarily negative light, not finding a better way to see the situation, if that is possible. When we mis-read their behaviour and don’t cut them any slack, we tend to respond in very human ways.

The second dumb thing we can all do is not thinking before we speak or act. When we do this, often what we have to say comes out badly, at the wrong time, or we don’t talk at all. When we don’t think, we are tempted to do the same thing that helped create the problem in the first place.

Number three on my list is simply never finding a good time to talk due to concern about restarting an argument or unproductive conversation. The trouble with this approach is that many matters remain unresolved and the same issues come up again and again.

The fourth dumb thing we do is focusing solely on what the other person is doing wrong, trying to change their behaviour, rather than simply keeping the focus on what we are doing. When we do this, we are effectively trying to control what is out of our control rather than looking at any contribution we may be making.

Number five is insisting we be heard first rather than giving genuine understanding to how the other person is seeing things and how strongly they are feeling. If ever you watch a couple of people arguing, you will see them effectively saying, “Shut up and listen to me!”

The sixth dumb thing to do is to pretend you don’t have any personal flaws. Unfortunately, this is one of the worst personal flaws you can have, making it hard for you to give genuine apologies, make amends, or learn from your mistakes. It is also very, very annoying for other people to be constantly blamed for interactions in which they feel you have also made a contribution.

Number seven is not taking other people’s sensitivities into account. This makes it easy to offend or hurt them even when this has not been our intention. Rather than treading carefully around issues that have been hurtful to them, we tell them they are over-reacting, to get over it, or to sort themselves out in therapy.

The eighth dumb thing we can all do is to think that our way of seeing things is the only way. When we believe this, we tend to try to pressure the other person to come around to our perspective.

Number nine is to think that other people are wired the same as you. People are different in what helps them to feel happy and have different ways of doing things. But it is the way we deal with differences that is important. By accepting that people operate differently or see things differently, it becomes easier to accept difference or negotiate a common understanding for the future.

The tenth dumb thing we can do is to make choices to meet our needs, but in ways not respectful of other people’s needs. For example, we throw ourselves into our work instead of giving priority to the needs of our family. Or we have an affair, drink heavily, or spend too much time on the computer, all of which are not respectful of our partner’s needs. When you don’t take other people’s needs into account, or incorrectly target your efforts, they will not feel inspired to show consideration to you.

You might be tempted now to show your partner or a co-worker this article, circling the parts that apply to them. I suggest instead you might be better to say that there are things you can both do to help, keeping the focus on your own behaviour. Although my wife will remind me that when it comes to doing dumb things in relationships, men tend to excel in this regard. Fortunately, she also catches me doing a number of things right.

Ken Warren, known as “The Doctor of Difficult People”, is Australia’s leading speaker on the topic. He can show you how to turn difficult customers and co-workers into pussycats, make great teams even better, and achieve better outcomes with challenging clients. Check out his free resources at http://www.positivepeoplesolutions.com.au

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As soon as we turn on the morning show to watch a little T.V. before we go to work, we are always dealing with control. There will always be influences that try to get you to give up a piece if your mental sovereignty. It’s like the famous saying… “A mind is a terrible thing to waste!” The issue and elements of control and domination is an element of life that people battle with on a daily basis.

Nothing is more challenging than putting up with people who have power and control issues. This is one of the mysteries of life, which is, how does this kind of behavior exist in human beings and how can this behavior be corrected to advance the world into better relationships between countries, families, friends and strangers. The answer is not an easy one.

Controlling behavior and people kill relationships and can actually cause angst and anxiety. Here in America, it can also be linked to status and social problems.

People who are controlling are actually fearful and scared. To them, it’s easier to go the route of controlling people instead of dealing with people from a level of self respect and dignity. To them, having a controlling attitude saves energy and time. These people have visions of acting like an all powerful God with an overruling dominance over the lives of others. Life, to them is no sweat when giving the commands rather then receiving them.

Gangs such as the Crips and the Bloods use the art of psychological control to intimidate weaker members of the gang and enemies of the gang. Controlling people violates the moral code of others without any respect to their human nature yet people allow them to continue to control.

Most of us are controlled on a subliminal level. There are mechanisms that were created to separate you from your money (loud television ads), national gossip magazines and journals (junk food for the mind) and other things that invade your peace of being. The result is a reaction to being controlled with trying to become controlling in our own lives. The result is negative.

All emotional and verbal abuse is looking for an element to control. It’s like a negative energy attaching itself to a positive energy only in a controlling atmosphere; it drains the life out of you. All people want the edge in life and they will use control and manipulation to get what they want. We’ve been taught materialism and capitalism promotes status. How wrong we are!

Behavior that attempts to control you – regardless of the intensity – breaches your emotional borders and becomes abuse.

Being used or using others in this level of abuse is more than the obvious problems. Bullying takes effect when someone is called a name or made fun of. It also is part of things such as temper tantrums. On more obvious levels, this abuse can be seen in forms of physical violence that is used to intimidate others. Intimidation and bullying can even take place at higher levels, where individuals will use their status to place themselves above others. Despite what many have come to believe, control and abuse have become a part of culture on several levels.

Subtle controllers, subtle manipulators

Emotionally mature people raise children with respect for the lives of others, dignity, self worth while making others around them feel comfortable. These people do not show their children how to hate, intimidate and control others that are different from them or others that they might want to use as a crutch for their emotions.

Subtle controllers can be the worst because they basically don’t talk at all but you can see their disposition in their actions towards people or another person. These are the individuals that you never want to ho to help for because they will hold it over you for 100 years or more and they will, in essence, try to control their relationship with you via money and materialism.

These types of people seem to be okay on the outside but on the inside of their heart, they are full of deceit and lying. Their type of behavior comes on display after the light is turned on in your mind and sometimes our minds are sending us messages that we fail to listen to.

A relationship or friendship with a controller is always unhealthy and will take eventually, lead to the person being controlled, seeking counseling for their problem. When you feel off balance and that you don’t have the freedom to be you or feel that something is rotten in Denmark, then it’s time to check and getting rid of situations that are fully of trouble and contempt.

Self Check Analysis – What goes around comes around

Sometimes, we can be controlling and not know it. If you do have that problem, consider these things:

• Am I sincere in what I’m thinking or doing?
• Am I trying to hold someone hostage?
• Am I being prejudiced?
• Do I hate the person for no reason at all?

You know what goes around, comes around. I am a firm believer in Universal Law and karma. The karma will follow you like a wet blanket until you realize that you have to be baptized into all truth. This truth is the truth about ourselves. Once we are baptized into the higher knowledge of divine knowledge of the soul, then a person has a chance to learn and grow within themselves.

Protecting Yourself from Controlling Behavior

The damage of being controlled even once by someone will persist as long as you remain in the presence is having active communication with the person. Even if the person has perceived to be changed, they could pretty much be the same lame person that they were before and even lamer this time around!

Keep yourself free from these people and you’ll see your environment and health improve.

Joshua Uebergang gives people free interpersonal relationship advice. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. Signup now to his free newsletter at: http://www.free-relationship-advice.org and receive a special bonus that will help you get great relationships.

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Family Psychologists have identified four types of parent styles which are:

• permissive
• authoritative
• authoritarian
• uninvolved

The permissive, authoritative, and authoritarian styles are a spectrum of parenting styles and throughout the life of a child, a parent may stick to one style of may go through all of the styles at different phases of the child’s upbringing. Authoritarian parents are at one end of the ledger and this brand of parenting usually focuses on a structural environment with minimal responsiveness and communication.

On the other end of the spectrum are permissive parents which I call “in the red”. This parenting style has low behavioral structure but a high responsiveness. I think that permissive parenting is the worse not unless you have a child that has high self discipline which in America is hard because of the mentality of society that hypes success and peer pressure. Children that usually have their own way end up on a path of destructive behavior.

If you are not involved with your children, you are giving up your role as a parent. Children who are approached by the permissiveness will often feel abandoned because of this style. The result is children who grow up with low self-esteem, problems with trust and with continuous thoughts that they are not liked. In the long run the children are harmed emotionally but psychologists are now finding out that some parts of uninvolved parenting can actually be turned around benefit the child, providing them with insight and an ability to make decisions that are more solid than their counterparts.

Authoritative parenting tends to be located in the middle of the ledger, and is a balanced parenting style. It’s really a give and take situation in which all parties have equal input and come up with the best solutions as how to act and handle certain situations. It can be the most rewarding of them all if the environment is balanced. It doesn’t take a mother and a father to make this successful. That is a desirable trait but more Americans are getting divorced than ever before and the authoritative style of parenting seems to work in those situations.

Authoritative parents are the type that will work continuously to meet their children half-way. This means that at one end, they establish a relationship that provides nurturing responses to build the child’s self-esteem. However, this doesn’t develop into passive parenting, or a relationship that develops into a ‘friendship style.’ There are still expectations for the children to do specific things, follow the rules of the household and to develop the necessary disciplines to be effective in their life. The result is a balanced way of teaching children how to approach situations in their life. While this style of parenting is known to be one of the most difficult, it is also the most effective.

One of the important concepts to link to authoritative parenting is the ability to establish policies that are effective in the household. The major trick to this is to make sure that there is room to move within these policies. For example, if you have asked your child to clean their room, but something occurs that stops them from this, you can change the policy just enough to help adjust under the circumstances. These adjustments may be because of personalities or simply because something has happened. The balance is to create rules that every child understands, but not to make them so rigid that a child is not able to gain their own independence. The result is a two-way relationship, based off of clear communication and an understanding of what is acceptable.

If you are working towards this method, you can do specific things to ensure its success. For example, if you have asked that something is done, but the child rebels, you can help them to develop by asking them why and allowing them a place to speak before the rule is changed. This will give you the flexibility that you need in order to help your child develop while keeping an understanding that the rules are the foundation of the household. More than anything, it is important that the parents not only develop this flexibility, but also follow by the rules of the household themselves. Providing an example for the children creates a communication and understanding that the rules of the house are balanced and fair.

Another practical step to creating an authoritative household is to build a structure. Setting rules and limits that are the foundation of the household is the beginning to this. The child should learn that if they don’t follow these actions, there will be consequences. This can further be developed by setting schedules and organization for the children. This will provide them with a support system that builds into stability and discipline. Even though this may seem harsh, it actually creates a sense of security for the children, as well as an overall better environment. Children want to feel stable by having set rules that they can work with. They also want to know that these rules can be questioned and talked about.

The thin line between authoritative parenting and other parenting is that there is room to move. If there is a question about the schedules and organization, the children will have the right to approach their parents about these questions. The parents, in turn, will not ignore them or punish them for asking, but will respond and value the voice that is being heard. This allows children to feel safe with their own independence. At the same time, parents have a direct understanding that the children are developing ways to speak about their emotions and ideas, meaning that it is important to listen to.

In the end, both the child’s side and the parent’s sides are spoken about. The decisions that are made from this are made as a collective whole. While the children have a place that allows for independence and changes in the rules, the parents will also have an input that describes why certain ideals are in place in the household. This will create a balanced relationship with communicating what is being felt on both sides, leaving the final decisions with complete understanding of what is happening.

Authoritative parenting is based on the idea of communicating as a team. There is room for both discipline and independence. Children are able to develop emotionally and with their ideas and parents are able to balance out the rules of the household. Everyone is able to develop with their personalities and ideals, creating a safe place for the entire family.

If you’re reading this right now and you’d like to learn more great parenting tips and strategies for raising happy children who have great relationships with you, then I highly recommend “Positive Parenting” which you can get today by clicking here.

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Joshua Uebergang can give you more great parenting advice and tips for improving your relationships with your children.

There are various reasons why there are single family homes in America. The variables depend on race, culture, heritage and traditional values. The effects can be damaging or can turn out to be good. It all depends on the individual and their will to make any situation better.

African-Americans – A Case Study

African-Americans have the largest numbers of single family homes in America. The question is why and what has caused the average African American family to have a single parent home. If you look at the African-American family from a historical, cultural and American point of view, the facts will shock you.

First of all, African-Americans are an entirely different race with different values than their African counterparts. Factually, many African-Americans don’t have any connection with the continent of Africa alone. Not all people of dark skin come from Africa. There are many Indians, South Americans and Aztecs that the African-American race originated from so there is confusion about the origin of identity.

So identity plays a big part of the makeup of the family unit. If the family unit struggles with identity, then it could take generations for identity and purpose to be developed and found without mental tampering or influence from other cultures. This influences relationships and puts barriers up to what real love comes through which is individual purpose.

So many African-Americans don’t have roots to Africa at all which impacts the way that family and relationships are viewed. The African-American male is seen as irresponsible and not able to sustain a family but is this true.

The myth is that African-American families had strong ties until slavery but this is really a myth. Even before the great Transatlantic Slave Crossing, it was the women in most African tribes that had the power over the children and the family. The man was seen as someone who worked within the village while the woman ran all the affairs of the household and educated the children. For the most part, the man was silent unless he met with other men from the community and tribal villages and he could also easily be divorced from the wife who in turn would have the village help her nurture and take care of the children.

Parts of Africa were a dominant Matriarch society. This carried over to the slave trade in which women had more power than men and could actually get their men sold off to other plantations. This is a hidden taboo that is not talked about in slavery because most of the history is slanted. Some slave owners took Indians and other people from other cultures as wives and not all slave owners were white. There were black, Indian and Caribbean slave owners in the deeper South in places such as, South Carolina, Florida, and Georgia.

In African-American relationships, the woman has always bared the brunt of the responsibility and had more opportunities while the male has struggled to find a place in American society that would accept him but is this really a problem in the 21st Century or is just a matter of updating old belief systems?

Many young black men are incarcerated at an alarming rate. This leaves a shortage of African-American males to head families. The reasons for incarceration are various but many feel that in the black community that there is a deliberate plan to foster single family homes by rendering the black male inoperative in American society. Sadly enough, in many cases, the African-American woman has participated in the system of downgrading the African-American male because of the lack of understanding of individual and corporate purpose and what it means to a relationship.

Many African-American women have raised single families that have turned out to be successful because of their belief in God and community. Many celebrities come from single parent homes that had strong religious backgrounds that kept the fabric of the family together. This attribute is from the spiritual strength and know how of bringing things together even when there’s nothing there all the more powerful and to be respected.

You can have a happy family life and get more free relationship advice online by visiting Free-Relationship-Advice.org

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What Does It Mean to Be Angry?

The first concept to recognize about anger is that it is a natural emotion that all children, and adults, are learning how to control. When you recognize this, you can learn how to deal with anger effectively. This does not mean stopping children from expressing their anger, but instead, finding more effective ways to allow your child to say exactly what they mean.

It is said that children will express anger in three different ways. The first is through an emotional state. When a child is at this point of their life, they will most likely describe anger by being aroused in a situation. If a child becomes frustrated because they can not reach a goal, they will react by feeling the emotion of anger and responding automatically. Most school fights, verbal aggression and conflicts occur from this state of anger.

The second type of anger moves from the emotional state and into a mode of expression. When your child shows anger this way, they will most likely express the anger through facial expressions, crying or temper tantrums. Instead of creating conflict with others, this type of anger will cause self-infliction, which will isolate the child or cause resistance from the situations that they are in.

The third type of expression with anger is when one is able to evaluate and understand anger in a completely constructive way. When a parent is looking at ideas of anger management, it is this level of expression that becomes ideal. When a child is able to express anger through verbal expression, interpretation of why they are angry and by evaluating what has led the child to this point, there is the ability to use the emotion of anger in an effective way.

Introducing Anger Management to Your Child

If your child is expressing emotions of anger, is acting out anger or expressing anger, you want to make sure that you can find strategies to deal with this. By doing this, you will lead your child into understanding what anger is and how they can deal with the emotion more constructively. There are certain ideals and concepts that you can use in order to get your child to the third phase of anger, where they can manage the emotion through expression, interpretation and evaluation of what is occurring.

The first practical tool that you can use with your child is to stimulate the memory that has led them to points of anger. Asking them about what caused them to be angry will help them to recognize exact points that led to the anger. This gives you the ability to validate the emotion as well as allow the child to recognize that there are more constructive ways to deal with anger.

The next step is to begin communicating with your child through specific language about the problem with anger. If your child is feeling angry about something, you can approach them by talking about the emotions and how they have caused them to react. If your child can begin to understand when they are responding out of anger, and can identify it through words, than it will become easier to monitor the behavior. When your child can begin to learn how to express the anger that they feel through words, instead of by direct reactions through emotions, they will have the ability to respond without negative or emotive responses.

The third way that you can get your child to evaluate the emotion of anger is by finding constructive ways for your child to regulate their behaviors. For instance, if they are acting out in anger, as an emotional response, you can begin to introduce more concrete ideas to them. For example, you can show them that instead of responding to another person with anger by physical resolve, they can control how they react with language or evaluation. This will allow the child to begin practicing more constructive behavior while still giving them the ability to express their anger.

The Importance of Anger Management

If a child does not learn how to control their anger at an early age, it can lead to severe consequences later in their life. It is said that if a child does not learn how to control their anger at an early age, it can lead to aggression and frustrations later on in life. If the strategies and interventions aren’t established, then it can be difficult for the child later in life to express what is needed, leading to violent reactions or isolated behaviors that stop them from progression.

Establishing future relationships and ideals with your children does not begin when they move out of your house. Instead, it begins when they are in your home and learning about how to respond and communicate with the world. If you want to be effective in your child’s behavior, you can begin by teaching them about emotional responses, such as anger, allowing them to evaluate and examine their emotions and behaviors in a healthy manner. The result will be a child that grows up understanding the balance between emotional responses and how to express and evaluate these responses.

If you’d like to learn more about managing anger in children, then I highly recommend “Child Anger Revealed” which you can get today by clicking here.

Joshua Uebergang can give you more great parenting advice and tips for improving your relationships with your children.

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Empathy versus Sympathy

If you are communicating with a friend or a loved one, you will need more than a bag of band-aids. Understanding the different ways to respond, and evaluating the most constructive communication can help you to become more constructive in your communication with others. If there is a dramatic happening, an emotional response to a situation or a phase in life that a friend needs help with, you can easily begin to balance the situation by your response.

One of the levels of communication that you can take with a relationship is by understanding the difference between empathy and sympathy. Both of these responses, while being effective, will provide more effective band-aids to what is being communicated with you. This will allow you to move deeper into a relationship and to begin to make a sincere connection with the communication that is occurring.

Responding through sympathy is known to be the band-aid for relationship communication. Being sympathetic for someone is simply the first step in a relationship. For example, if someone tells you about something that has occurred you will most likely respond by saying, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that happened to you.” This is a sympathetic response because you are sorry for what has happened.

When you are practicing empathy, you are more willing to move deeper into the sympathetic understandings. Rather than a band-aid, you are willing to understand the pain of the wound that has occurred. Empathic understand requires you to move deeper into the situation and feel the pain that is being expressed to you through the communication. You will have the ability to evaluate what the other person is feeling and link it to your own emotions which will create the deeper understandings and empathy by feeling the pain the other person is going through.

Why Practice Empathy?

Many individuals will wonder what the big deal is about using empathy in a relationship. What is the difference between acknowledging someone’s level by using sympathy or by understanding it an internal level? The other person is obviously learning how to move past it and is able to express their emotions on their own.

When you begin to practice empathy in your relationships, you can also begin to create deeper and more intimate relationships with the other person. You are able to share the pain that is taking place. The result is a better support system and the ability to begin working on the feelings that have taken hold of the other person. Being in an intimate relationship with another person requires this deeper level of understanding.

Beyond understanding will be the ability to support and find ways to analyze the situation. When deeper levels of understanding occur, you are able to create a more constructive support system. When you can truly understand another’s pain, you can help them to begin to examine the emotions and move outside of the space that has been created for the suffering or sadness that they are going through. The result will be the ability to move the emotions into another direction towards changes and initiation past the pain that is occurring.

How to Practice Empathy

While sympathy is the beginning to good communication and understand, empathy can help move beyond the superficial levels of a relationship into true understand. Learning how to become empathetic to another person will give you the ability to have a more intimate relationship that is more conducive of growth and complete understanding.

You can begin to create more intimate relationships with someone by learning how to be sincere and empathic with someone. The beginning of this is by learning how to listen to someone on deeper levels. The first step to doing this is to listen to what is being said, not only through the situation that is being described, but also by the emotions that are attached to the situation.

After you are able to identify the feelings that are being stated, you can acknowledge your understanding of these feelings. This can either be done by internalizing the feelings or asking questions until you truly understand how the feelings have affected the person. Acknowledging and internalizing what is being said will help you to begin to create sympathy on a deeper level, moving into empathy for the other person’s pain.

Once you have created a connection by internalizing the feelings and situation is when you can begin to combine empathy with sympathy. You will begin to truly understand the pain from the other person and can then acknowledge that you understand how they feel. This acknowledgement can then be used in order to begin to evaluate and examine what has happened, leading to more intimate and constructive processes of friendship.

Understanding and practicing empathy is an important skill if you want to create relationships at a deeper and more intimate level. While sympathy can work as an acknowledgment, it is also seen as a band-aid. It can cover up the wound, but does not necessarily help for the pain to go away. Empathy on the other hand, will provide a medicine for the other person to begin to heal from the emotional and mental wound that has occurred. The result will benefit both the other person in progressing towards a better understanding of what is occurring as well as the ability for you to support and help the other person into more constructive abilities for moving past the problem. True and sincere connections in any relationship begin with abilities to practice empathy, while providing constructive solutions.

Joshua Uebergang is a young entrepreneur teaching people interpersonal relationship advice. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. Signup now to his free newsletter at his site and receive a special bonus that will help you get great relationships. You can also learn more good communication skills.

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The first active listening skill you can begin using right away in building good relationships is questioning. Asking questions by firing them away like an interrogator pounding his suspicious criminal is as effective as one-way communication. Questioning in active listening skills is more about the quality of the question. You are not an interrogator in your relationship so do not act like one. If there is something you do not understand, then ask your partner to rephrase, restate, or repeat the statement. Active questioning skills are an effective technique when combined with body language because it will communicate an interest towards your partner.

I believe the most important aspect of active listening is good body language. Without effective use of your body language, no matter how good your questioning or other forms of active listening are, your intention to build a good relationship will fall through the floor. Effective body language communicates an interest when combined with questioning. Face your partner and show the person you are there primary concern. Also make good eye contact. Screaming kids, noisy crowds, and football on the television are all distractions that will pull your eyes and focus away from what really matters.

The last of the three active listening skills I will discuss in this article is using summarizing. This technique is not known to many so chances are you do not use this skill. Even if you know of this technique, I aim to encourage you to pull it out of your communication bag of tricks to improve your relationships. Summarizing involves rephrasing what the person has said in your own words. The secret here is “in your own words”. There are around four summarizing techniques involving an emphasis on emotions, facts, and combinations of the two.

Summarizing plays a role in developing an understanding of what your partner is saying and develops a connection. It is a great technique to build intimacy in your relationship. I encourage you to even use summarizing in everyday social situations and conversations as it helps to build the connection. The other person hears your summary of what he or she said and knows you understand or will then restate what you do misunderstand. He or she will also see you are interested because you are able to restate what was said. When combined with good body language, your interest is communicated the entire time during the conversation.

Active listening skills are an essential technique to develop if you want to build a good relationship. The listening skills are useful in more then just building intimate relationships as you can just as effectively apply them in social conversations. In addition, combine effective questioning, good body language, and summarizing together and you will begin to use the power of active listening in your relationships. There are more listening skills I definitely recommend you learn if you wish to master two-way communication to build great relationships but these tips are a great start.

Joshua Uebergang is owner of http://www.Free-Relationship-Advice.org where he teaches people free relationship advice online. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. He encourages you to get the amazing benefits you can receive in your life from developing yourself and communication skills by getting your free trial-subscription to his effective communication skills newsletter here. Signup now and receive a special bonus.

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Acknowledging Anger

Wouldn’t you just love to tell him what a sorry human being he is? How he didn’t respect you and treated you like dirt. Well, do It! Take a piece of paper and write down everything that he did wrong. Release all the anger that has been bottled up. Get it all off your chest. Tell him how he hurt your feelings and how you suffered to make the marriage work. Don’t be surprised if this letter goes on for pages, just get it all out.

Now for the important part…….Do Not Give Him This Letter. It would only re-enforce the impact that he had on your life. Burn it or throw it away. Allow yourself to release that anger and resentment. It’s over and done with. You’ve acknowledged the hurt and are now ready to figure out what went wrong and move on.

Gaining Insight

Gaining insight into why your marriage failed helps you to move on to healthier relationships in the future. Start by thinking about what attracted you to him in the first place. Maybe he was handsome, strong, or wealthy. What benefits did you get from the marriage? Maybe it was security, companionship, or a sense of belonging. These are the things that are important to your core being, and the difficulties in your marriage probably stemmed from threats to these areas.

Perspective

Knowing what part he played in the problems is easy, but you also need to recognize how you contributed. Owning up to responsibility is probably the hardest part.

Most women grew up with the image of the “White Knight” who rides in and takes charge. The princess falls in love and stands behind her man. The only problem is that this fairy tale usually doesn’t have a happy ending because the power of choice is removed. You are swept through life by circumstances and decisions of others.

If you can own up to your participation in the marriage, you have gained power. For example, by admitting that you stayed in a bad marriage for economic reasons, you therefore, can choose to find a good paying job and leave. When your perspective is one of choice, you gain power and control over your life.

Admitting that you put up with a bad situation out of choice allows you now to make decisions to do things differently in your new life. Once you accept responsibility for your life, be careful to not turn your anger inward. You did the best you could in your given situation. It’s in the past, and you now have the power to move forward. Release the hold that anger has over helps you to regain control over your life again. You no longer need to feel like a victim, and your self esteem will begin to rise.

Tracy Achen is the author of “DIVORCE 101: A Womans Guide to Divorce”, and publisher of a website to help women cope with divorce. At WomansDivorce.com we have one focus – helping women survive their divorce and rebuild their lives. For additional articles and information on divorce, visit the web site at http://www.womansdivorce.com

If you’d like to discover more about overcoming a divorce, then I highly recommend “Divorce Secrets” which you can get today by clicking here.

The family unit is giving into the pressures of society as far as how relationships are. On television, most families are characterized as being schizophrenic, sex crazed or having serious problems with extended family members. This has an effect on American society in which television has distorted what the family should be striving for which is an element of understanding, harmony or peace.

What has really did damage to marriages is the fact that parts of the civilized world has defined marriage as the woman wanting to be secure (home, possessions and security) while the man provides these things. Women are waking up and providing these things for themselves, making decisions for them, which according to patriarchal rules, is a no-no. So most women are choosing to be single and most men are not committing because of various factors. Society is changing as far as marriage is concerned.

Most marriages are breaking up because of not understanding the purpose of the other individual. People want to expand their horizons of self worth within marriage and because of traditional rules that were made up to keep relationships subject able, many people are escaping that mentality of slavery in any kind of relationship.

So if you’re married, there are several things that you must do to create an atmosphere of harmony between you and your spouse and here are some of those elements to make your marriage a happy marriage.

1. Create a portal in which your mate can explore her/his real life passion.

This is very important. Even within a marriage, each person is an individual. You should help your mate accomplish their individual goals.

2. Give your mate plenty of room to grow and experience life.

Just because you are married doesn’t mean that it has to turn into a prison. Let your mate do the things that they need to do to make them happy.

3. Make sure that your mate has significant time to themselves to think about their life purpose.

This is important. Everyone needs a time for reflection so provide your mate with those private times that he/she needs to get their mental and spiritual thoughts together.

Marriage and Family Counseling – Really Important!

Marriage and Family Counseling is important. Marriage and Family counselors help couples work out their problems to develop a system of love, trust and oneness in a relationship. Counselors can dig and see the root cause of the problem and recommend a solution for the ills and challenges of the couple or family. Marriage and family counselors are mental health professionals who bring a family perspective to a person, couple or organization. They treat families, mental, emotional and various health and behavior problems.

If you have children, it’s great to have them as a part of the program since they are a part of the family. Marriage counseling considers peripheral characters, such as the Mother-in-Law, Father-In-Law, other relatives and the effects that they have on the marriage. This is accomplished via personality interviews with extended family members.

Marriage counseling brings out controversial issues. It could be some elements of a spouse’s past that are hidden which affect the relationship deeply. Many of these issues can stop a marriage cold, such as incest, rape of a relative and abuse in a previous marriage. When problems like this occur, marriage therapy is truly needed to solve the problem. If your mate agrees, then this is one way to improve your marriage or else, the misery will continue.

Creating Fields of Love with Marriage

Many married couples are always confrontational because they can’t forgive and forget. Some couples never recover from the problems in a relationship but choose to stay the course while being totally miserable with the choices that they made. They stop romancing each other and doing the things that allowed the relationship to flourish in the first place.

If you seek the professional help of a marriage counselor, they can provide a battery of tests and evaluate to study, comprehend and obtain new solutions for helping couples in their marriage. Most individuals resign themselves to live under a roof of controversy and loudness. This is detrimental to people who have families. Counseling is great and can heal the wounds of a person, family or extended family. Counseling can focus on brief, solution-focused, family-centered treatment which is center towards the cause of problems in your marriage instead of the symptoms. If you are married, you might want to consider this kind of treatment to resolve your problems.

Recognizing Certain Problems in Marriages

These issues are widely known to cause problems in marriages:

- Families facing severe mental illnesses and emotional disorders, such as schizophrenia and depression.

Many marriages have to take on the extra responsibility of a loved one or parent coming down with an illness. Sometimes, this causes pressure on one or both people in the relationship and can be financially taxing. The trend is to put that person in a nursing home or facility that can treat their disorder but a married couple can turn these kinds of situations into gold if they plan correctly and realize that not all is bad. This could actually enhance and help the marriage if looked at from a proper perspective.

- Substance abuse

A big problem in marriages is when a husband or wife has a drinking problem. Substance abuse can lead to spousal abuse. It can also cause children to become upset and carry memories of abuse for a long time. This issue has been studied for years and now, local governments are implementing free programs for spouses that have a problem with substance abuse to get help.

Marriage can be a good deal if you really work at respecting each other and love each others purpose.

If you’d like to discover more about having a successful and happy marriage, then I highly recommend “Save My Marriage Today!” which you can get today by clicking here.

Joshua Uebergang is owner of http://www.Free-Relationship-Advice.org where he teaches people free relationship advice online. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. He encourages you to get the amazing benefits you can receive in your life from developing yourself and communication skills by getting your free trial-subscription to his effective communication skills newsletter here. Signup now and receive a special bonus.

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Pat sat upright on the couch as she told me about Chuck’s angry outbursts, his desire to kill animals, his willingness to follow his destructive friend blindly-even when he knew the behavior was wrong, his hurtful aggression to his younger brother, and the complaint he received from his teacher about his bad attitude in class.

I immediately began to build trust and rapport with Chuck by asking him questions about his favorite hobbies and subjects in school, and how he felt about his problem. When Chuck was convinced that I was really listening without judging him, he agreed to allow his mother to leave the room.

Then I told Chuck that he had all the answers to his problems inside of himself. Therefore, I was going to ask him to close his eyes so that he could go inward to find them. I said, “Chuck, I am going to guide you, and I want you to know that you are in control. Please tell me how you are feeling, and if you don’t want to do something.”

Confident that he was safe with me, Chuck closed his big brown eyes and began to relax. I guided him through a process I developed called HART: Holistic and Rapid Transformation. I first suggested that he go to his safe place which Chuck described as the woods behind his home. As Chuck was imagining that he was in the woods, he spontaneously took a deep breath and relaxed some more. His hands and feet finally ceased their continuous movement.

Then I asked Chuck to rate how much he liked himself by seeing a number from one to ten, with ten indicating high self-esteem. Chuck saw the number five.

I continued by saying, “Chuck, imagine that you are in a theater, and that you are visualizing the white movie screen. Now see on the screen an image of a person you are angry with.” He replied, “I see my dad.” I continued, “Chuck, allow yourself to tell your dad what you are angry about. There are no consequences since he is not here and I won’t tell anyone what you say.”

With my continued encouragement, Chuck told his dad how angry he was at him for yelling and slapping him, and for ignoring him. When I asked Chuck what decisions he was making about himself from his dad’s behavior, he told me that he believed he must be bad and unimportant.

Knowing that those negative thoughts about himself were the key to his acting out behavior, I asked Chuck to say, “Dad, what you say or do is a reflection of you and not of me. No matter what you tell me or how you act towards me, I am okay. I’m a good person even when I make mistakes. I’m important whether you spend time with me or not. I imagine that you are doing to me what your father did to you. I’m sorry that you didn’t get the kindness, patience, and attention you needed from your father. You must be in a lot of pain to treat me like that. I understand that you love me and don’t mean to hurt me. I forgive you.”

After Chuck repeated those healing words to his father, he sighed with relief and his face looked more relaxed. He told me that he was feeling much better.

With further exploration, Chuck realized that even though he hated his dad’s aggressive behavior, he was becoming just like him. Chuck also had a bad temper, and was yelling at and hitting his younger brother. Chuck’s desire to hurt animals was his way of releasing the angry feelings that he had towards his dad.

Chuck was misbehaving in school in order to get the attention he wasn’t receiving from his father. He was also trying to be noticed more by his mother who he felt was favoring his older sister. With further introspection, Chuck realized that because he did not like himself very much, he was willing to take abuse from his friend and do what he said just to be accepted.

Finally, Chuck admitted that he was hurting because his parents were not getting along. On some level, he felt responsible for their unhappiness (something children often mistakenly do). After I helped Chuck realize that he was not responsible for his parents’ pain and upsets, he felt even better about himself.

I concluded the session by asking Chuck to evaluate his progress by once again seeing a number that represented how much he liked himself. This time, Chuck saw the number eight. He was very pleased with himself, and I acknowledged him for his courage and wonderful work.

It was then time to call his mother back into the office. With Chuck’s permission, I told Pat all that had transpired in the session. I emphasized to Pat how important it was to resolve her issues with her husband, and to make sure that the children are told that they are not responsible. I also expressed to Pat that often one child acts out the pain of the family, and Chuck seemed to be the one who was unconsciously doing just that.

Pat was very grateful and willing to pursue counseling with her husband. She realized that I was speaking the truth when I told her that she and her husband were the foundation for the family. With a loving relationship, constructive communication, and good parenting skills, the children were likely to have high self-esteem and be healthy and successful.

The following week, Pat called to inform me that Chuck’s teacher was pleased with the improvement in his attitude, and that he was able to break off his friendship with his destructive, demeaning pal. Chuck was acting much kinder to his brother, and no longer talked about killing animals.

Obviously, the once-aggressive Chuck was becoming the loving being he truly is. How wonderful it would be if everyone overcame their destructive behavior, and expressed their love which is their natural state. What a wonderful, peaceful world this would be.

Copyright 2006 by Helene Rothschild, MS, MA, MFT, a Marriage, Family Therapist, intuitive counselor, speaker, and author. Her newest book is, “ALL YOU NEED IS HART!”. She offers phone sessions, teleclasses, books, e-books, MP3 audios, tapes, posters, independent studies, and a free newsletter. http://www.lovetopeace.com , 1-888-639-6390.

If you’d like to learn more about managing anger in children, then I highly recommend “Child Anger Revealed” which you can get today by clicking here.