“Why not tell them how you feel?” I asked.

“Because I don’t want to hurt their feelings – I always feel guilty if I don’t do what is expected of me.”

Lack of communication such as this among family members is the root of much conflict, hurt and misunderstandings any time of the year, but especially during the often stressful holiday season.

Mary’s dilemma is common: she wants to be a nice person and avoid conflict with family members. But, in doing so, she feels resentment and other negative emotions when she is overwhelmed or feels others are taking advantage of her.

Unfortunately, a failure to be direct and emotionally honest with people we love or care about can have long-reaching negative consequences. Failure to communicate often sends the wrong message about you, what you need and how others should respond to you.

The Elephant In The Room

When you have unexpressed feelings towards another, it’s like you are sitting on a couch with an elephant between you.

Neither wants to acknowledge the elephant, but its existence acts as a barrier to real communication. Ultimately, the elephant gets in the way of positive feelings between you and the other person.

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is the art of speaking in a reasonable tone with good eye contact. It’s based on using “I” messages (as opposed to “you” or blaming messages) while clearly stating your needs, feelings and requests.

Assertive communications invite listeners to work toward mutually satisfactory resolution of problems or conflicts, without assigning blame or offense.

Assertive versus Offensive

Remember: you won’t offend people if you stick to communicating your feelings, as opposed to telling others what they should – or should not – do!

Four Steps to Success

There are four parts to effective assertive communication – Here is the formula:

I feel ___________ when __________ because ________. I need ___________.

Step 1: “I feel” Start by expressing how you feel about the behavior. Stick to one of the five or six basic emotions: “I feel… overwhelmed, angry, hurt,” etc.

Step 2: “When” What specifically bothers you about the behavior or situation? Examples: “When the family expects me to do this every year,” “When it is assumed I will do it,” etc.

Step 3: “Because” How does the behavior affect you? Examples: “I feel pressured to do something I really can’t do this year,” and “It makes me feel taken advantage of.”

Step 4: “I need” This is the tough part for people like Mary who feel guilty simply letting others (especially family members) know what their needs are. “I need” has nothing to do with being selfish.

Instead, it means giving listeners a clear signal of what you want them to do differently, so they have an opportunity to change. Examples: “I need for the dinner to be rotated among the family.” “If everyone will bring a dish, I’ll cook the ham,” and “I need my sisters to come early and help with the setup.”

Applying the Formula

Does the formula always work? Of course not, but it works a high percentage of the time and it gives you a better tool to deal with situations than anger – which rarely achieves the desired results.

If it doesn’t work at first, try different variations using your own words. And keep at it. People often don’t immediately respond differently to your words because of previous established communication patterns.

Always make sure your tone conveys sincerity, clarity, genuineness and respect toward the other and his or her opinions.

Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter “Taming The Anger Bee” at www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports.

• How you think about your difficulties
• How you manage your feelings
• Where you focus your attention
• How you act and communicate under stress

If you can change your conviction that your partner is the source of your unhappiness –if you can understand that struggles are not a sign of a failing relationship, if you can see your relationship as a journey along a path of development-then you will be well on your way to a more positive outlook.

In the pages that follow you will learn about the normal and natural stages and struggles that growing couples encounter. Equipped with this clear overview of the terrain you can redirect your efforts and energy toward a more vital, satisfying relationship.

Separate Selves No More: What Happens After You Fall in Love

Our professional research and practice has revealed a sequence of developmental stages that relationships go through over time. In the very beginning, two separate individuals, join together and form into a “we”. This “we” begins to exert a strong influence on the two individuals.

From this point onward, the balance between two individuals and the “we” will fluctuate due to the struggle between the need for autonomy of the individual and the desire for intimacy of the “we”.

Because you are two different individuals, you may not progress through the stages at the same time. The five stages that follow will help you know and identify the appropriate next steps and goals that can move you both towards greater intimacy while remaining true to yourself, your values, feelings and thoughts.

#1 SYMBIOSIS: EXCLUSIVE BONDING

This blissful merging of the two individuals into a “we” is known as symbiosis*. This is often called the romantic stage—a time to experience “oneness” and the ecstasy of giving and being given to by a special someone. The individuality of you and your partner is less sharply defined. In hindsight, you may notice that a significant part of your beliefs,behaviors and personality were temporarily suspended in order for the “we” to become primary. Differences were minimized, and similarities were emphasized.

You may have seen only the best parts of each other and experienced unconditional love. Love is, somewhat, blind. So far, so good. However, the “we” that forms is inevitably based in fantasy. The bliss of the powerful connection of symbiosis eventually fades, creating a need/opportunity for change. This crucial stage had a valuable purpose. This strong, exclusive bond provides a foundation of nurturance and trust—a resource you can draw upon as you journey onwards.

#2 DIFFERENTIATION: MANAGING ANXIETY OVER DIFFERENCES

Eventually as each individual re-emerges, differences between you begin to appear. Parts of you or your partner that may have been dormant begin to surface. Disillusionment and disappointment may arise as you notice each others’ imperfections.

The desire to spend more time alone or with other friends as well as the ongoing expression of different values, desires, and behaviors can become quite disturbing. This can be truly a difficult and stressful time. Some couples rise to the challenge by developing effective means of dealing with differences through healthy conflict management and negotiation.

More often, however, struggling couples attempt to solve this crisis by two ineffective solutions designed to return to the comfort of symbiosis:

1) hiding/denying differences to avoid conflict, or, 2) engaging in angry escalating arguments, hoping to convince their partner to agree in order to find togetherness.

Both of these may result in repetitive, stifling, unproductive interactions. Ironically, these same sources of tension also hold the greatest promise of personal growth and relationship evolution.

#3 EXPLORATION: MOVING FROM “WE” BACK TO “I”

When you are able to resist the pressure to return to a symbiotic state, you begin to reestablish your own identity and self-esteem that are independent of how your relationship is faring. The “we” loses its dominance – now the balance shifts strongly toward the individual. This vital and important stage can present a real crisis for each of you. It may well seem as if love and caring have all but disappeared.

To make matters worse, the timing may be different for each of you. The more one distances, the more the other may cling. If both of you distance simultaneously, you may feel more like roommates than lovers. You may feel isolated and emotionally disconnected. The objective of this stage is to redefine and sustain your identity under stress. This will bring greater richness to your relationship and form a new foundation for reconnection.

4 RE-CONNECTION: BACK AND FORTH PATTERNS OF INTIMACY

In this stage you have strengthened your identity and learned to maintain your own point of view without hostility. You think more productively about your differences and disagreements instead of having automatic negative reactions. A return to a deeper, more sustainable level of intimacy is occurring. This is often accompanied with an enlivened sexual relationship. Though there may be moments of back and forth oscillation, this is a time when a different quality to the “we”-ness comes into being – one which includes a respect for the existence of two separate individuals.

You feel much more supported than stifled in your relationship. You hear fewer statements of “I need” from your partner and hear more of “I would like” or “I really want.” When your partner hears a “no” from you, it will more likely be heard as an expression of who you are vs. a harsh barb of rejection. Every difficult discussion does not turn into a high wire act because of the increased tolerance of, and respect for, your differences.

#5 SYNERGY: INDEPENDENCE & INTERDEPENDENCE

Intimacy deepens as you increase your abilities to manage your emotional reactions when differences cause tension. You are capable of, and committed to relating in ways that are true to your most deeply held values and beliefs. You can actively support your partner’s right to do the same – even if this becomes inconvenient. The flow between the individual and the “we” is becoming easier… almost automatic.

The relationship is now more vital than either partner separately. Each benefits from the synergy and the “we” has an energy all its own. Partners desire to create and give back to the world. Deep intimacy, vulnerability and emotional sustenance abound.

As you might expect, these stages do not unfold in a smooth linear fashion. There is stress and angst along the way. But it might be encouraging to know you are very normal in your struggle.

* * * * * *
Note to therapists: This information is available in a brochure, with graphics to illustrate the couple’s progress from symbiosis to differentiation. The brochures are sold in packs of 25 for professionals to distribute to their couples who would benefit from a practical understanding of the developmental model. For information or to order them, click here.

* Adapted from Mahler M., Pine F., and Bergman A., “The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant.” New York: Basic Books, Inc. 1975.

© Copyright MMIV The Couples Institute

Dr. Peter Pearson and his wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. As therapists, workshop leaders, authors, and speakers, they are dedicated to helping couples create extraordinary relationships. They have been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including “The Today Show” and “CBS Early Morning News.” For more information including a series of free audio clips to help improve your relationship, visit www.TheCouplesInstitute.com.

During my twenty-three years in management, I dealt with blabbermouths frequently, so for the last ten years I have advised clients on how to silence the workplace windbags. Here are my suggestions for muzzling the motor mouths:

ONE: Offer nonverbal cues. If you continue your work and don’t make eye contact, many people will take the hint and decide to leave. Another approach: Check your watch repeatedly. A more prominent gesture: Put your hand up like a policeman stopping traffic, a universally understood position. Start packing your briefcase, signaling your departure plans.

TWO: When subtle cues won’t work, explain why you can’t have a conversation. “I can’t talk right now, because I’m in the middle of a project that’s due tomorrow. I’ll get back with you later.” Notice–that puts you in charge of the next move.

THREE: Try giving a time limit: “I’ve got five minutes. What can we cover in that amount of time?” Then stick to the announced limit rigidly, and get on the phone or walk away when the five minutes have expired.

FOUR: Make sure you meet with gabby people in their offices, not yours. Why? Walking away is much less awkward than trying to shuffle someone out of your office.

FIVE: Wherever you meet, schedule the get-together just before lunch or closing time, when they will be more conscious of time limits themselves.

SIX: Enlist an assistant’s help. Before the chatty person arrives, tell a co-worker to interrupt you if the visitor is still there after fifteen minutes. A comment like “Do you remember that appointment you have now?” will justify your ending the conversation.

SEVEN: Compliment the talker by saying, “Gosh, what you are saying sounds worth considering. Please go back to your desk now and put your recommendations in writing, so I can share them with the staff.”

EIGHT: Remove the usual comforts by having a stand-up meeting. This symbolically conveys that you are not going to settle in for an extended appointment.

NINE: In a group meeting, tell the windbag, “Really appreciate your input on that, Marvin. Now let me give Sharon and one or two others a chance to respond.” Another ploy: “We’re on a tight schedule, so I have to move us to the next point on the agenda.”

TEN: Ask for a conclusion: “Sandra, I think I get what you are driving at, but just to be sure please sum it up for me in a few sentences.”

ELEVEN: Get up and walk toward the door, saying, “Let’s finish this on the way out.”

TWELVE: Introduce them to someone else: “I want you to share your ideas with Norman, because he heads this particular program.”

Next time the company chatterbox confronts you, try these approaches. They work, and they won’t shatter relationships.

And here is an invitation: If you use some strategies I haven’t mentioned, please e-mail them to me: drbill@ChampionshipCommunication.com Title your e-mail MOTOR MOUTHS, so I will be sure to open it. If you send me a suggestion, please indicate whether you grant permission for me to quote you in articles, on my blog and elsewhere.

Bill Lampton, Ph.D.–author of The Complete Communicator: Change Your Communication, Change Your Life!– helps organizations strengthen their communication, motivation, customer service and sales. He has served a diverse list of top-level client. Visit his Web site to sign up for his monthly complimentary newsletter: http://www.ChampionshipCommunication.com
Call Dr. Lampton to bring his expertise to your group: 770-534-3425 or 800-393-0114. E-mail: drbill@ChampionshipCommunication.com

Communicating is an art, and art of combining the ability to express your opinions and feelings in such a way as to ensure that the person or people you are talking to understand what you are trying to say with the ability to listen and understand another person’s point of view.

The number of times I have sat in a room, often in meetings and at conferences and I’ve just watched and listened to what is going on around me. It is totally fascinating when whole groups of people have no ability to listen to their colleagues, partners or friends and therefore cannot understand or comprehend any opinion other than their own.

What could have been covered in five minutes or learned in half an hour often takes hours or days just because people refuse to sit back, listen and understand.

Over the years it’s amazing the number of times people are provided with information that, if they acted upon, could totally alter a relationship, career or the success of a business. But, because the sheer lack of peoples ability to listen to and think through another persons point of view unique opportunities pass them by.

Relationships are no different to the work environment other than there are, usually, just two of you. Often, what could be a marriage made in heaven is destroyed by the sheer inability to communicate. The most successful relationships, be it business or personnel are those whereby both parties have strong verbal and listening skills.

Many relationship problems begin with poor communication. Couples often feel that their partner should know what they are thinking and how they feel so do not communicate and then wonder why they feel neglected and under valued.

How many people decide not to tell their partner something just because they don’t know how to say it and then the problem just eats away at the relationship until there is no relationship left? What a waste, just the sheer ability to share a problem can make what seemed to be an insurmountable issue a tiny little blip on a large horizon.

So whenever you feel stressed or don’t know what to do don’t just bottle it up, talk about it, seek advice and listen to the answer. Don’t keep quiet when you know in your heart a problem has to be aired and don’t put off until tomorrow what has to be sorted today. Tomorrow never comes!!

It is how you say something that will ruin a relationship and not what you have to say. The wrong way is just to blurt out something that you know will aggravate or distress your partner. The last thing you want is for them to get defensive, storm off or burst into floods of tears. You want the person you are trying to communicate with to be open and perceptive and in order to be able to achieve this, your timing and approach has to be right.

Every individual is different what will work with one person won’t necessarily work with another and with some people all you can do is sew the seed and then let them walk away and work it out for themselves.

One person I know never actually listens to anyone. She is one of those people who is always right no matter what, hasn’t a clue about being a team player and operates within a zero tolerance zone. Traditional approaches and method of reasoning just don’t work and alls you can do is plant the seed of thought which eventually develops into her, own acceptable idea.

Given peoples individuality you need to learn what, is the right approach for you and your partner. Make sure that you never start a discussion if you don’t have time to finish it, don’t insist on a debate when one of you is off out to work, dealing with the kids or just relaxing in front of their favourite TV programme. If the timing seems to be never right ask the question ‘when would it be a good time for us to just sit down and talk?’. Whatever you do, do not let yourself appear agitated either in what you say or how you say it. Body language can just as easily put your partner on the defensive as what you say to them. Even if your partner is vying for a fight just don’t react.

Remember, the first golden rule, approaching defensive with defensive is a sure way to failure.

One of the key ways to improve communication is to develop strong listening skills. Couples often fail to listen to what their partner has to say, interrupt and give the impression that no matter what is said they won’t change their mind. One trick to ensure that you have listened and you do understand is to repeat what you have heard. This will demonstrate that you have listened to what was said and by repeating it back you have the opportunity to comprehend and understand.

How often do we try and work through a problem and it’s only at the point we are explaining the issue to someone else does the magic light bulb switch on which enables us to come up with the answer.

If you are taking an exam would you expect to know everything just by being told it once? For most people I would say not. We have to work at it and work at it hard.

No one ever said marriage would be easy it’s just another lesson we have to learn as we experience life but if you want to save your marriage and make it even more special than it was before then there is very little to stop you.

Relationship problems can lay heavy on your mind, become a burden and what was originally a small issue can develop into an insurmountable mountain.

If you begin to feel that marital issues are beginning to weigh heavily on your mind, take a break and do something you enjoy and preferably with your partner. If you can refocus your attention of the better things in life, day to day issues always seem that much smaller. Spending a little time together and enjoying each other’s company could enable you and your partner to recapture some of the feelings that have been lost through constant arguing and help you regain a positive perspective on your relationship.

Just one last word of advice, when you are feeling down and feel you no longer want to save your marriage just remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

If you believe you have financial issues now what do you think it will be like when you split your assets, if you feel you don’t have time to do things what will it be like when you are on your own or worse a single parent and if you feel lonely now how will you feel when every time you walk in your front door all’s you have is your own company. Now none of these thoughts have been aired to encourage you to stay in a bad relationship but rather to make you consider whether or not yours is as bad as you think.

You are the master of your own destiny and if you want to turn a bad marriage around you have the power at your fingertips.

For more valuable information on how to save your marriage please visit: http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com

When two people live together in an intimate relationship, there are always going to be things that happen to cause hurt feelings and anger. These things may range from minor incidents involving slights and lack of consideration to major ones such as sexual betrayal.

It’s all-too-easy to develop the habit of repeatedly replaying all the wrongs a spouse has committed and then to start feeling victimized. Resentment, blame, anger, and bitterness are heavy burdens that hold us back, weight us down, and keep us stuck in a view of ourselves as victims.

Forgiving a spouse does not mean that you avoid or repress your feelings. On the contrary, it’s important that you acknowledge your pain and loss so that you can express your feelings, get them out into the light of day, and let them run a natural, healing course.

“Certainly others are to blame for their mistakes,” write John Gray, “but they are not to blame for our feelings. To forgive is to release another from being responsible for how we feel. By finding forgiveness, we are then free to let go of our pain. Although it is true that our partner may make us feel upset, we must also recognize that we have the power to let go of our pain.”

Gray also states, “By feeling gratitude for the good times and forgiveness for the mistakes, the heart is filled with the love it needs to heal itself.” Viewed this way, forgiveness releases the toxins of resentment and blame and allows the heart to recover.

Each spouse faces the same choice: Do I hang on to my feelings of hurt and pain or do I forgive my partner? For some spouses, the decision to forgive is viewed as letting a partner off the hook and minimizing the damage the partner has done.

It’s as though they don’t want the partner to see them laughing and having fun because then the partner might not suffer as much emotionally. Thus, the reluctance to forgive can be a way of keeping control and making sure that the partner keeps feeling guilty and miserable over what has happened.

When you feel deeply hurt by your spouse’s words or actions, it takes time to recover from the wound. It’s important to clearly state your feelings to your spouse and to share just how much the words or actions have impacted you. It’s also important to consider whether the deed was one caused inadvertently by lack of awareness or lack of knowledge or if it was deliberate.

To forgive a spouse is not the same as minimizing hurtful or harmful behavior. It’s also not about pretending things are fine when they aren’t. The goal is not to flash a fake smile and say “That’s okay” when you’re feeling like you’ve been stabbed in the heart.

But there’s a major difference between feeling hurt and struggling to regroup for a few weeks or months versus still being consumed with anger, resentment, and bitterness a year later. The longer the wound festers, the worse it gets.

How Do You Know When It’s Time to Forgive?

The following statements may help you to recognize if you’re ready to forgive and let go:

You forgive when you have a stronger desire to move toward health, healing, and wholeness than you do to keep singing your “She did me wrong” or “Poor Me” theme songs.

You forgive when you are tired of being stuck in the emotional and spiritual desert of despair, anger, bitterness, revenge, and resentment.

You forgive when you realize that your negative emotions are destroying your sense of spiritual connection, your peace of mind, your health, and your ability to laugh, play, and enjoy life.

You forgive when you realize that not only are you suffering, but your resistance to forgiving your spouse is also causing anguish to your children and other family members.

You forgive when you realize that you are no longer able to live in the present moment and to be totally emotionally available when you are with your family members and friends because you are constantly thinking about the past.

You forgive when you want to move on with your life and restore peace and harmony to your marriage and life.

How Do You Forgive?

Forgiveness is a process. Mary Nurries Stearns writes, “We make the decision to forgive, again and again. Saying words of forgiveness is the first step. Reciting the words creates an opening and willingness, and moves us into a body, heart, mind, spirit process of remembering and releasing.” She continues:

“We begin by letting go of our unforgiving stance. We acknowledge the events and feelings that really happened. We admit that the past cannot be changed. However, through healing, we can leave those yesterdays in the past and create a better tomorrow.

“Realizing that forgiveness is our own personal journey, we release expectations that others will respond to our work, even though each person’s healing has positive rippling effects. While journaling, drawing, dancing, breathing, and talking, we face whatever our body, heart, spirit, and mind present next for our healing. Through these processes, we begin relating differently to our suffering.

“We don’t hold back. We gently swathe our pain with love. We allow thoughts and feelings to arise into awareness where they are recognized and permitted to pass on through. Setting aside sacred time daily, we pray and meditate on forgiveness, and we commune with the divine. And we trust–knowing that grace and a great wisdom are embracing our efforts.”

Some individuals feel a dramatic shift when they decide to forgive a spouse, and for others, forgiveness entails releasing anger and resentment in smaller bits over a longer time. But the important thing is to make a beginning before the weight of the negative feelings pulls you under. Make an appointment to talk to a minister or a counselor if you are stuck and can’t move forward.

When you forgive, you open a door that was not open before. This door leads to a field of possibilities for a new kind of relationship with your spouse.

Regardless of how your partner reacts, you are changed by the act of releasing and forgiving. You are holding your spouse in a different kind of heart space–a space where anything is possible, where relationships can be transformed and where love can reveal itself in unexpected new ways.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner, available at www.ControllingSpouse.com. She is also co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” which is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, as well as a free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to individuals and couples

If you’d like to discover more about having a successful and happy marriage, then I highly recommend “Save My Marriage Today!” which you can get today by clicking here.

There are very legitimate reasons for feeling hurt and wronged, such as a partner who is disrespectful, inconsiderate, unsupportive, or unfaithful. But if you remain stuck in resentment, anger, bitterness, or vengeance, you will be unable to move on with your life in a healthy way. Holding grudges and hanging on to negative feelings reduces your capacity to enjoy life and to have maximum energy in the present moment.

Lewis B. Smedes, in The Art of Forgiving, makes the following points about what forgiveness is and what it is not:

Forgiving does not mean that we excuse the person who did it.

Forgiving does not mean that we invite someone who hurt us once to hurt us again.

Forgiving someone who did us wrong does not mean that we tolerate the wrong he or she did.

Forgiveness is not about reunion. Being reconciled to another person as a human being and embracing him/her as a best friend are two different things.

Forgiveness happens inside the person who does it.

So when should you forgive? “We forgive,” shares Smedes, “when we feel a strong wish to be free from the pain that glues us to a bruised moment of the past.

We forgive when we want to overcome the resentment that separates us from the person who wounded us. We forgive when we feel God’s Spirit nudging us with an impulse to pull ourselves out of the sludge of our disabling resentment. We forgive when we are ready to move toward a future unshackled from a painful past we cannot undo.”

When you hang on to the desire to hurt someone else, you are only hurting yourself. In The Heart of the Enlightened, Anthony de Mello states: “It is impossible to help another without helping yourself, or to harm another without harming yourself.”

He illustrates this by a story about Nasruddin, who was muttering to himself delightedly when his friend asked him what it was all about. Said Nasruddin, “That idiot Ahmed keeps slapping me on the back each time he sees me. Well, I’ve put a stick of dynamite under my coat today, so this time when he slaps me he’ll blow his arm off!”

Practice Forgiveness for Your Own Benefit

This is exactly what happens when you are vengeful and deliberately hurt another person–you end up harming yourself. At such times, you may find yourself asking, “Is there another way to resolve this?” or “What do I do now?” The choice you make affects your potential to heal and lead a life of harmony, contentment, and happiness.

If you hang onto your “I’ve been done wrong” song, you’ll begin to think of yourself as a victim of other people and circumstances. As you continue to sing this song, you’ll find yourself approaching life from a victim orientation of helplessness, powerlessness, and weakness. Then it becomes easy to forget that you always have choices in how you will react to others and to circumstances.

According to Gary Zukav, “Forgiveness is letting go of your resentment, disappointment, anger, and hurt. When you do, you are free from these prisons. They no longer captivate your attention. They no longer intrude on your thoughts and your sleep. You are no longer steeped in anger and righteous indignation. You no longer feel the need to convince others that you have been wronged. You give up being a victim, and step into a lighter, less restricted consciousness…You cannot live with a light and happy heart and be a victim at the same time.”

In speaking of forgiveness in her book Life! Louise L. Hay states: “We must release the past and forgive everyone. We are the ones who suffer when we hold on to past grievances. We give the situations and the people in our past power over us, and these same situations and people keep us mentally enslaved. They continue to control us when we stay stuck in ‘unforgiveness.’

This is why forgiveness work is so important. Forgiveness–letting go of the ones who hurt us–is letting go of our identity as the one who was hurt. It allows us to be set free from the needless cycle of pain, anger, and recrimination that keeps us imprisoned in our own suffering. What we forgive is not the act, but the actors–we are forgiving their suffering, confusion, unskillfulness, desperation, and their humanity. As we get the feelings out and let them go, we can then move on.”

Ron Roth, in The Healing Path of Prayer, writes that “Forgiveness must not be conceived as an act of condoning the poor behavior of another toward us, but rather as an act of release on our part in relation to the person we feel has harmed us. In that act of release, we place the individual in God’s light and allow that light to dissolve the negative energy into which we once were plugged. Having unplugged psychically from past negative actions directed against us, we are now prepared to be filled with the positive energy of freedom and joy.”

Harold S. Kusher, in How Good Do We Have to Be? tells of counseling a divorcee who was still seething about her husband’s leaving her for another woman years before and then falling behind on child support payments. She asked him, “How can you expect me to forgive him after what he’s done to me and the children?”

Kushner answered, “I’m not asking you to forgive him because what he did wasn’t so terrible; it was terrible. I’m suggesting that you forgive him because he doesn’t deserve to have this power to turn you into a bitter, resentful woman. When he left, he gave up the right to inhabit your life and mind to the degree that you’re letting him. Your being angry at him doesn’t harm him, but it hurts you. It’s turning you into someone you don’t really want to be. Release that anger, not for his sake–he probably doesn’t deserve it–but for your sake, so that the real you can emerge.”

When you’re dealing with someone who might hurt you or your loved ones, you need to put strong, effective boundaries in place for self-protection. By doing this, you are taking good care of yourself and also trying to help the other person not to accumulate more negative energy in his or her life. “It is never a loving act to allow a person the opportunity to hurt us,” states John Gray.

Talane Miedaner counsels, “At some level people know when they are doing a number of you and they don’t really want to get away with it. If you let them get away with it, not only do you diminish yourself, but you also diminish them.”

The concept of mercy isn’t talked about much in our modern day society. Mercy involves refraining from harming or punishing others who have wronged you in some way. Mary Nurries Stearns writes, “Forgiveness is an intimate relationship with mercy that soothes pain, dissolves anger, and releases attitudes that don’t serve our own life potential or humanity.”

You have to look at the cost to yourself when you cannot be merciful and forgive another person. George Herbert cautions, “He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.”

When you forgive another, you free yourself from the burden of resentment and living in the past. Zukav summarizes, “Forgiving is choosing a light and happy heart instead of resentment.” And as Smedes reminds us, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner, available at www.ControllingSpouse.com. She is also co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” which is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, as well as a free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to individuals and couples

If you’d like to discover more about having a successful and happy marriage, then I highly recommend “Save My Marriage Today!” which you can get today by clicking here.

Here are some tips you might want to keep in mind the next time you try to calmly convince someone to see your side of the story.

Don’t Bulldoze Your Listener

What is bulldozing? In sales, it is referred to as the act of drowning the prospective clients in figures and facts in order to confuse them to eventual submission. Keep in mind that the only way the other party will accept your idea is when they have decided that they want it. People who have given in to your bulldozing will do so only at first, but will eventually try to get out of the situation, be it after a few minutes or after a few days. You must be able to know how to read body language in order to decipher if a certain action is appropriate for the situation.

Nevertheless, if you want to be an effective and truly successful persuader, you want others to willingly agree with you, not because you almost forced them unwillingly to do something or left them with no other choice. If you are at a debate, this is fine. You are trained to tear the other person’s statements apart. However, in a normal conversation, this is a major blunder.

“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still,” as the saying goes. This means that while you may have succeeded in getting others person to give their agreement forcibly, they will still maintain their original ideas. If you try to make them cooperate with you thereafter, expect that it is going to be difficult.

What should you do then? Try to make your idea attractive to the other party so that they would be more willing to submit to it. You can do so by first acknowledging the merits of their points and then outlining your merits. Do not make a comparison that is based on just the negative aspects. You will appear to be discrediting the other person; this is not good.

Be Patient And Try To Avoid Clashes

The professional persuader is never overeager; he always moves steadily and carefully towards his goal, and avoids getting into situations that would result in idea collisions. He is sensitive enough to watch out for emotional or psychological taboos and avoids them at all costs.

How can you do this? First, do not take sides. Try to be open to all ideas that are placed on the table and consider each one’s merits meticulously before you move on to pursuing your selection. Actually, you don’t really need to focus on one concept alone. When you study everything that’s suggested, you will find that you can make appropriate changes and combine all their positive aspects to arrive at something that is agreeable to everyone involved.

The key to being effectively assertive is to keep an open mind. If you simply stick to what is in your head and work endlessly at seeing it through in 100% state to the end, do not expect to enjoy the ride. You will lose friendships, you will lose confidence, and you will lose the drive, eventually. Assertiveness is good when used the right way, which is the professional and balanced way. If you try to use your assertive skills to force people to your side, there is no way you will truly succeed.

Michael Lee is the author of How to be a Red Hot Persuasion Wizard… in 20 days or less, an ebook that reveals mind-altering persuasion techniques. Get a sample chapter and highly-stimulating “Get What You Want” advice at http://www.20daypersuasion.com. He is the Co-Founder of http://www.self-improvement-millionaires.com and is licensed as a Certified Public Accountant.

She did not operate with the social belief that she should choose her friends only from people her own age. We became very close friends and remained so until her death at the age of eight-two.

When Doris turned seventy-five, she was already widowed. The week she turned seventy-five, Doris threw two birthday parties for herself, one on a Wednesday night, and one on Saturday. Over thirty different people attended each party. I was the only person invited to both. In all, about seventy of Doris’ friends came that week to celebrate her birthday. On both nights many people stayed until past one in the morning.

As I looked around the room at both parties that week in amazement, I noticed that the people attending her birthday parties were of all ages. They included toddlers, teens, middle-aged people, and the elderly.

Doris had never restricted herself to making friends only within her own age group. She had always made it a point to befriend people of all ages. Consequently, she did not suffer the same social fate so many elderly people face when their circle of same-age friends starts to dwindle from sickness and death. I hoped that when I was the same age as Doris that I would be able to have as many friends and acquaintances gathered to help celebrate my birthday.

I didn’t know any other people her age who could throw two birthday parties in one week, and have seventy people show up. I wondered how Doris had made so many friends.

She had never been wealthy, but over the years Doris and her husband had made a practice of opening their hearts and their home to many people. They not only befriended a lot of people and maintained those friendships over the years, but they also befriended the children of their friends, and stayed friends with the younger generation.

I noticed that whenever I brought some of my own friends with me to visit Doris, she never treated my friends as expendable people that she would never see again.

She was gracious and kind and interested in all of them. Her caring about each human being was always apparent. When we finished our visit, Doris would often extend an invitation to the friends I had brought to come and visit her again, and many of them did so.

When she issued invitations Doris never seemed as if she were inviting people because she was lonely or desperate for company. Her invitations were always genuinely joyful. She loved meeting people and wanted to see them again.

As Doris neared the end of her life, she became very ill and very poor. Yet, she never lacked for love and support from the many friends she had kept making throughout her whole life.

I learned something important that week at Doris’ two birthday parties. I realized that we make a big mistake if we tell young and middle-aged people to invest their money for their old age, but neglect to tell them that it is at least as important to invest in relationships with other people.

We make a mistake if we don’t tell people that it is just as important to invest kindness in the people we meet, and invest our interest in them. There are other kinds of investment accounts besides those that are held by banks. A big bank account won’t make up for loneliness in your old age.

I decided that if I wanted to have as many friends as Doris did, I would have to keep making friends and keep maintaining friendships my whole life. I would have to make friends with people of all ages, including those much younger and much older than me.

Older people confront unique challenges in trying to maintain a satisfying social life. Many people find it difficult to make new friends as they get older.

As people age they often face social, health and monetary challenges. Older people may become less physically mobile. They often have less money to spend on recreation and entertainment.

Older people are also more likely to suffer from depression. They may be physically frail and afraid to go out at night. Even if they remain healthy themselves, aging people experience the deaths of long time friends and spouses, resulting in a shrinking circle of social and emotional support.

In the modern western world, older people are often treated as if their usefulness is finished, and as if what they have to say is not really relevant to the young.

A lot of older people are shocked to discover when they retire at the age of sixty or sixty-five, that the friendships they thought had developed at work do not survive the retirement party.

In many modern societies, older people are socially marginalized, and left to socialize solely with each other. People in North America are much more segregated along age lines than people in some other parts of the world. In North America, teenagers tend to socialize with other teenagers, and older people are expected to make friends with other older people.

No matter where you live, or what your age, you do not need to follow your local society’s dictates about what age your friends should be. You do not need to restrict yourself to making friends only with your own age group.

If you are concerned that you may be lonely in your later years, the time to start doing something about it is now, no matter what your current age might be.

As you grow older, make sure you stay living in the present, not in the past. In your conversations with others, don’t be fixated on who you used to be, or on your current ailments.

Be willing to make many social approaches to others, no matter what the outcome. Stay interested in the current world, stay optimistic, and keep a youthful, open mind.

This article is taken from the new book by Royane Real titled “How You Can Have All the Friends You Want – Your Complete Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends, and Keeping Friends ” Check it out at http://www.royanereal.com

Has your child ever asked you that question? It’s not an easy one to answer. Children are often cruel to one another and their methods for choosing friends are often irrational to the adult mind.

Unfortunately, there is no quick-fix answer to make a child instantly popular. As parents, the best we can do, is guide our children in the right direction and teach them the proper skills necessary for making friends.

Read these ten simple tips with your child. Talk about how your child can implement these steps in their daily lives. Show your child by example what it means to be a good friend.

1. BE WILLING TO TAKE A CHANCE
Yes, it’s scary to go to a new class or move into a new neighborhood where you don’t know anyone. Do you feel like everyone is staring at you? Are you afraid they will laugh at you? Remind your child that someone has to take the first step. If you’re not willing to take a chance, you’ll never make any new friends.

2. FIND SOMEONE WHO LIKES THE SAME THINGS YOU DO
It’s true; some people are best friends and have nothing in common. But most people become friends because they both like to ride bicycles, go roller-skating or play computer games together. Make a list of things your child likes to do. Who do you know that likes the same things? Encourage them to spend time together.

3. LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU LIKE THEM
Remind your child that you don’t know when he’s hungry unless he tells you. No one can read minds. Other children are often just as shy or insecure as your child.

4. MAKE THEM FEEL IMPORTANT
Everybody has something they do really well. And no one ever gets enough compliments. Teach your child to appreciate other people’s strengths. It will show they really care.

5. DON’T WORRY SO MUCH
Some children are natural born worriers. It’s easy to start to wonder – does my new friend really like me? Remind your child that if they’re talking with you and spending time with you, chances are they DO like you.

6. TAKE TIME TO LISTEN AND TIME TO GIVE
Even very young children like to share the exciting moments of their day with someone. Encourage your child to listen as much as they talk. Listening to each other talk about the good things and bad is called support. A friend is the best support system you can have.

7. DON’T KEEP SCORE
Friendships aren’t always a 50-50 split. Someone always needs a little more than the other one. That’s okay. Remind your child that when they do a favor for a friend they don’t need to expect something in return.

8. ACCEPT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU
Tell your child that best friends do not need to be twins. Friends can and should dress differently and like to do different things. Teach your child to appreciate a friend and to not try and change them.

9. LEARN HOW TO APOLOGIZE AND HOW TO FORGIVE
When your child hurts a friend’s feelings, encourage them to say, “I’m sorry.” When your child’s feelings are hurt, don’t let them hold a grudge.

10. WORK AT BEING A GOOD FRIEND
Let your child know that good friendships don’t just happen, they take work. It’s like growing a garden – if you plant some flowers and just water them once in a while, they might still live, but they wouldn’t be very pretty to look at. Take care of your friendship, feed it well, and encourage it to grow.

Friends are an important part of your child’s social training. Good friendships build self-esteem and encourages emotional growth. Make sure your child has the skills to build solid friendships, and remind them that the best way to keep a friend is to be a good one yourself!

Susan Taylor Brown is the author of books for children including Can I Pray With My Eyes Open?, Oliver’s Must-Do List, and Robert Smalls Sails to Freedom.
You can read more about her at: http://www.susantaylorbrown.com

If you’re reading this right now and you’d like to learn more great parenting tips and strategies for raising happy children who have great relationships with you, then I highly recommend “Positive Parenting” which you can get today by clicking here.

While there are some couples that just naturally see things the same way, most people have a really hard time seeing things through the other person’s eyes. What often happens when they “communicate” is that each person tries to get the other person to see things his or her way. Instead of solving the problem, each is trying to have control over how the other person sees things. This often leads to more conflict and frustration.

While I am not suggesting that couples stop communicating over problems and issues, I am offering an additional way of resolving conflict: taking loving action in your own behalf.

This form of conflict resolution is about action rather than talk. Following are some of the actions you can take that may make a world of difference in your relationship.

LOVING ACTIONS

1. Choose to be compassionate toward yourself and your partner rather than choosing to judge yourself or your partner.

Judging yourself and your partner will always lead to more conflict. Choosing to compassionately care about yourself and your partner can totally change the energy between you, even without words. If you believe that you or your partner are bad or wrong for your feelings, behavior, or point of view, then you will not be able to let go of judgment. You will move toward compassion when you understand and accept that each of you has very good reasons for your feelings, behavior, and point of view. Try compassionately accepting yourself and your partner and see what happens!

2. Choose to practice self-discipline in terms of saying nothing rather than behaving in an inflammatory way toward your partner.

Practice zipping up your mouth! Practice letting go of having to be right! Practice walking away from a conflicted or heated situation, rather than jumping into the fray in the hopes of winning. If you look back, you will see that no one wins when both people are trying to control with anger, blame, explanations, debating, defending, lectures, or compliance. However, if you choose to walk away, walk away with love and compassion – intent on taking loving care of yourself rather than punishing your partner. Walking away in anger is just another way to control.

3. Choose to accept that you have no control over your partner’s feelings and behavior, but that you have total control over your own actions.

It is much easier to let go of trying to control your partner when you move into acceptance regarding who your partner is. Trying to change your partner is a total waste of energy. Changing yourself moves you into personal power.

4. Choose to take loving care of yourself in the face of the other person’s choices.

You will find yourself wanting to talk about problems when you see yourself as a victim of your partner’s choices. However, when you accept your partner for who he or she is and accept your lack of control over your partner, you can then see your way clear toward taking loving action in your own behalf. Asking the question, “What is the loving action toward myself right now?” will lead to ideas of how to take loving care of your self. Asking, “If I were an enlightened being, how would I be acting right now?” will open the door to creative ways of taking loving care of yourself.

Loving actions are actions that support your own highest good without harming your partner. For example, if you are tired of often being frustrated and rushed because your partner is generally late leaving for an event, you might decide to take your own car each time your partner is not ready on time. While your partner might not like your choice, your action is not harmful to him or her. It is an action that stops the power struggle and takes care of your self.

Letting go of trying to change your partner and taking loving action for your self are the keys to conflict resolution without words.

Article Source: http://articles-4-free.com

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.

More often than not, breaking up is as hard on the person ending the relationship as it is on the person being broken up with. Realize that a person is breaking up has nothing to do with caring about another person. Caring about somebody and wanting a relationship are not the same.

The majority of people on this planet do not like to hurt others, especially somebody they have been close to. Guilt has been used more often than not to keep relationships together. Fight this urge and believe in yourself! When you allow guilt as a way to stop a break up you not only cheat yourself out of having a good and true relationship, you’ll foster resentment towards the other person which could lead to greater pain and heart ache in the future. Why would you want to be with somebody who makes you feel bad by allowing you to feel guilty? Respect yourself!!

A man should exit gracefully by planning the break up, to minimize the grief caused to his partner

Don’t just ignore her hoping she will notice and go away. You might have learned a little bit about push /pull as a term we use in seduction. That only tends to bring somebody in closer. Which is the exact opposite of what you want.

The I think you’re a great girl and I don’t deserve you line will seem ok to her at first, but later on she will start to resent that. She could also go into how you DO deserve her and try to convince you.

Honesty really is the best policy. Treating the relationship, and the person, with respect and dignity helps soften the blow.

When you break up, do it in person. Show some integrity and sincerity to tell her that the relationship isn’t going anywhere. In our workshops we teach how verbal communication is only 7% of the total communication between people. If she also sees closed off body language it will be easier for closure for her eventually.

Telling somebody you are breaking up in person is never easy, but you owe it to her to break the news to her personally. This means not on the phone, definitely not over e-mail, but rather, face to face where she can get eye contact and read your body language. The universal line of “we need to talk” should be given in advance. This allows her to prepare for what is coming and helps soften the blow a little bit. Do not put too much time between the “We need to talk” and actual breakup as the waiting time in between is very uncomfortable if delayed long.

On doing some research on this I read a suggestion about breaking up in the exact same place you met if possible. This is to suggest that the relationship has completed a circle. A place where she has a lot of happy memories might help neutralize some of the new sad ones.

Ending a relationship gracefully means speaking our piece without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility for another’s feelings. It is important to make eye contact, and give body language that is open while you are communicating (which suggests you are VERY open to what you are saying) than give closed off body language after finishing your piece. To suggest you are not open to hearing anything else. Say your words sincerely, leave no room for doubt, and never back down – especially when she starts to cry and you feel horrible.

Than give that person some space usually a few months at least. Do not try to get cozy with the person as this can really mess with somebody’s head a lot as they will use this as hope that you are getting back together. This is the only way to keep pain to a minimum when ending a relationship.

Robert Torrey is one of the trainers for Fidentia a company that teaches men dating confidence with live workshops. Go to www.fidentia.org for more info

You don’t feel altogether comfortable about it and you aren’t sure what to say or how to start. This is quite normal because menstruation has been, and still is a TABOO subject – people just don’t like to talk about it.

This is what makes it difficult for most parents to speak openly with their daughters about the changes of puberty.

We have put together a few ideas to make it easier for you to approach this time with confidence.

Step 1 – KNOW YOUR MATERIAL

Having the right information and knowing exactly what happens during menstruation is a helpful way to get over the taboo. The more you know your ‘material’ – the more comfortable you are going to be about discussing it.

There are many resources available to you, both in print and on the web.

From a purely physical or biological perspective, the things your daughter will need to understand include:

* the mechanics of how women bleed

* what happens each month to their body

* what do women use to catch the flow (types, brands, alternatives) and how they use it.

* simple pain management

* how to chart and keep track of a cycle.

* fertility basics

Girls are getting their periods at a younger age, so be selective about what your daughter needs to know at any stage. A young girl of 10 or 11, needs simpler information than a girl who is 14 or 15.

The key is to open communication channels, or have information available so they can absorb what they are ready for.

For example – If you have a daughter who is younger, coming to grips with the physical aspects may be a priority for her. For example, what to use, when do periods come etc. She doesn’t need to know about how to recognise her fertility at this stage but you certainly can plant seeds for further discussion at a later stage. You can explain to her that her body gives signals about its state of fertility, that each phase of the cycle has a distinct purpose and that when she is older she can learn how to recognise the special signals her body is sending her.

It is a good idea to look at menstruation not only from a physical point of view but also the emotional point of view. After all, after your daughter has the facts and the physicality under control – learning to deal with the emotional ups and downs and change in moods will be the next major task, and one that will also impact the people around her.

Step 2 DE-SENSITISE YOURSELF

The more you talk about and think about menstruation the more ordinary it becomes – take my word for it. I have been writing and discussing menstruation for the last 10 years and for me, it is just part of life. So practise. Practise on your spouse or good friends first, before you try it on your daughter. That way you won’t be as embarrassed which will instantly guarantee a much better outcome.

Step 3 – THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF AWARENESS

It is very important to be aware of your own feelings and thoughts on the subject of menstruation. We all have subconscious beliefs about what menstruation means, and often they are not positive. Taking the time to think about and reframe your own attitude to menstruation can diffuse some of the discomfort and embarrassment you might feel.

If you are a woman – and your own passing into puberty was fraught with shame and disapproval, now is the time to look at the menstrual cycle in a different light. Do you really want your daughter carrying on this negative legacy? What does it mean to you that your daughter is growing up and maturing sexually?

The second question can be especially difficult to confront if your daughter is in the younger bracket of the puberty spectrum. Girls are getting their periods at a younger and younger age, caused in part by the abundance of synthetic hormones in the food we eat and a more sedentary lifestyle.

It is important to remember that just because your daughters body is maturing it doesn’t mean that her mind or emotions are making the same quantum leap. The whole puberty process can take a couple of years so there is time to get used to it all. And your daughter may not necessarily become sexually active just because she has her periods.

How do YOU feel?

Adolescence is the start of something new – childhood slips into the past. As with any change and time of transition, there are many feelings that come to the surface. Grief at time lost, fear of what is in the future, anger at factors we can’t control or our own aging process as we see our daughters stepping into their prime.

It is not an easy time. Being open to your own conflicting emotions and being able to put them in perspective means that you are less likely to get caught up in conflicts and more able to lovingly support your daughter through her transition.

Step 4 – KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN.

Be ready to talk when they need it. It can be funny – we get ourselves all psyched up to have this super important talk with our children only to find they don’t seem to be at all interested. Then at another time, out of the blue they are ready and catch us unprepared.

Take the opportunity to talk when it comes. Have your knowledge ready and remember they often need information in small bite size chunks. Don’t be too disappointed when you don’t get the chance to let them know the whole story in one go.

Another good strategy is to have books available to your child, conveniently lying around the house so that they can access the information for themselves. It’s a good idea to use these books as a starting point for discussions and remember there are resources available for you too.

If you’d like to learn more great tips and strategies for helping out your teen and having a great relationship, then I highly recommend “Teenager Parenting 101″ which you can get today by clicking here.

It sounds almost too good to be true.

The skill that will give you these benefits is effective communication. In fact, the benefits of communication are too big to list here because communication enhances so many aspects of your life. Rudyard Kipling said “Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” Guess what? Communication goes beyond words so imagine how powerful it is now?

Here are a list of communication benefits and what, why, and how this amazing skill will definitely change your life:

Gives you happiness – You’ve probably heard money can’t buy happiness. This is true. You become happy by taking the right actions. Think about it. Happiness is at the core of the actions you take. The actions you make are not happiness itself but create and surround happiness. By taking action on developing yourself, you become happier. Effective communication skills make you happier by having joyous relationships, reduces anger of both parties talking, correctly express yourself, and other reasons.

Makes you attractive – The law of attraction states that you are a living magnet. You attract the people and resources in your life based on your internal self. Get excited because you do have invisible forces that draw and repel people. This isn’t mystical mumbo jumbo. There are many earthling factors such as communication and self development that you can control to attract people in your life. Communication goes way beyond verbal and non-verbal language. It is also the self development aspects such as confidence that create effective communication.

You become intimate – How do people become open in a relationship? Good communication of course because it is the only “bridge” between a relationship. Intimacy is about both people being open in a relationship. It is only through intimacy that a couple is able to know each other thoroughly.

More loving – This ties in with intimacy. You can be more loving towards your family by not only correctly communicating to them, but also through receiving their communication by using active listening skills. Showing interest in someone’s live will reciprocate to you interest and love.

Increased popularity – While a primary goal of mine in teaching others communication isn’t to make them the best known and most liked person in their school/town/club, it is rather increasing your popularity or likeability of the people you know now. However, effective communication can definitely make you popular amongst others because your conversational skills and friendliness will sky rocket.

More successful – John Johanson and Carrie Fried in the 2002 Teaching of Psychology Journal, asked graduates what their most useful skill was. The number one answer was interpersonal skills. Drew Appleby in a well known psychology magazine “Eye on Psi Chi” asked what job skills 39 employers desire in hiring people. Interpersonal skills were number one again. In fact, Brian Tracy (world renowned personal business consultant) in “Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life” says the highest paid form of intelligence in the United States is interpersonal intelligence. A person with such intelligence understands other’s feelings and desires, and employers are willing to pay for someone with these skills.

Relaxed – Stress is related to how we manage ourselves with the outside world. You can become more relaxed by assertively telling someone “no” if they ask you to do something you do not want to do. Also, by developing your communication and self using the techniques I teach in my newsletter, you learn to manage your emotions and thoughts to control stressful experiences.

Satisfied – You receive satisfaction when you get what you want. To get what you want, either someone gives it to you, or you get it for yourself. You cannot control what someone gives you (although you can influence), which means to become satisfied you must do it yourself or learn to relate to others. By developing your communication and self, you grow as a person enhancing your skills and creating satisfaction.

Self control – We interact with people everyday and often do things we later wish we hadn’t done. By developing self understanding (very important part in communication) as taught in my newsletter, you develop self control. Controlling yourself isn’t limited to stopping yourself from doing actions, but it also ‘controls’ you to do the right things.

Understand others – As you know, how we feel towards someone is all about our emotions. What often happens is you do not understand the person and their current emotions so you misunderstand them, respond inappropriately, or don’t know how they feel. By using effective communication you learn to read another person’s emotions, understand another person’s emotions, and communicate about another person’s emotions.

Understand yourself – I’m going to say this straight. If you are like most people, you do not understand yourself to your potential and it unknowingly to you hurts your life. Do you know why you behave the way you do? Do you always know what feelings you have? Why do you experience anger towards someone you love? This is why self understanding is so important in communication.

There are an abundance of further benefits to effective communication such as anger management, increased likelihood of receiving a job promotion, more persuasion, better leadership skills, and the list goes on. Hopefully now you can see the true power of communication. Let effective communication change your life today.

Sign-up now to my effective communication and self development newsletter by clicking here.

Joshua Uebergang is owner of EarthlingCommunication.com where he teaches people effective communication and personal development. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. He encourages you to get the amazing benefits you can receive in your life by developing yourself and communication skills by getting your free subscription to his effective communication skills and self development newsletter by clicking here. Signup now and receive a special bonus.

You can reprint the above article provided all content, the links, and resource box remain unchanged.

Starting a conversation and maintaining a conversation really are two separate factors. As with anything there is a start, middle and an end.

Below are some tips that will help you to keep any conversation alive:

1. Don’t be a conversational bully. Avoid making people feel as if they are forced to listen to what you have to say. Shouting and raising your voice won’t get you listened to. It will just frustrate you and the other party involved.

2. Learn the difference between conversation and speech. These are 2 very simple things to get mixed up on, whilst giving a speech you are being listened to. When one is having a conversation then 2 parties are involved! A conversation is word exchanges between 2 or more people.

3. Don’t shy away from phone calls. A lot of people shy away from phone calls don’t hide when the phone rings its great practice for talking face to face.

4. Questions are the key. Yes keep the conversation a drift and flowing with questions! Questions are excellent for making the conversation continue. Even if you are really fed with the topics just act as if you are interested by generating questions.

Some excellent questions for keeping the conversation afloat are:

Who?
What?
Where?
Why?
When?
How?
Really?
Is it?
Do you like…?

These suggestions might seem rather random; however try them out in a test run and see the results.

5. Don’t be boring. If you are on a date and need to impress, then being boring is a big no-no! You won’t even know when you’re boring the other party. Try to avoid subjects that are all about you: how you are good because you did something etc.

6. Perhaps you will feel tempted to brag or turn the tables and start talking about you ex girlfriend or boyfriend. On a date this is a crime; you really can’t do this.

7. Talk about the other person. A great way to keep the conversation going is to talk about the person that you are talking to! Pay an interest into their upbringing, social values, and way of life. If you show interest to the other person then the conversation will never die!

8. Be interested but don’t be nosy. Know your limits, gossiping and extracting information from people with nosy behavior is extremely frustrating. You most certainly won’t be getting a fan club by behaving in this manner. People won’t want to merge in conversation with you again. Nosiness and gossiping is the final wave to a healthy conversation flow.

9. Don’t pretend. Learn when the subject of conversation isn’t something that you’re comfortable or familiar with then politely change the subject; pretending that you are interested in something and know about that thing, is a recipe for failure.

10. Be lively. Talk with energy and incorporate fresh new topics to the conversation. Talk about recent news flashes, what’s happening in the world. For example if you start a conversation on the topic of politics, it’s sure not to end anytime soon!

You should feel privileged with the gift of talking. Don’t build up barriers and unnecessary obstacles to stop you from words of conversation. If you follow the above tips then you will notice improvements in no time at all. Conversation should be fun, to interact with people and to engage in talk is a way of life. Once you can talk and keep a conversation going, you can be sure that you will be able to maintain good relations with friend and relatives.

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: communication skills.

Family Psychologists have identified four types of parent styles which are:

• permissive
• authoritative
• authoritarian
• uninvolved

The permissive, authoritative, and authoritarian styles are a spectrum of parenting styles and throughout the life of a child, a parent may stick to one style of may go through all of the styles at different phases of the child’s upbringing. Authoritarian parents are at one end of the ledger and this brand of parenting usually focuses on a structural environment with minimal responsiveness and communication.

On the other end of the spectrum are permissive parents which I call “in the red”. This parenting style has low behavioral structure but a high responsiveness. I think that permissive parenting is the worse not unless you have a child that has high self discipline which in America is hard because of the mentality of society that hypes success and peer pressure. Children that usually have their own way end up on a path of destructive behavior.

If you are not involved with your children, you are giving up your role as a parent. Children who are approached by the permissiveness will often feel abandoned because of this style. The result is children who grow up with low self-esteem, problems with trust and with continuous thoughts that they are not liked. In the long run the children are harmed emotionally but psychologists are now finding out that some parts of uninvolved parenting can actually be turned around benefit the child, providing them with insight and an ability to make decisions that are more solid than their counterparts.

Authoritative parenting tends to be located in the middle of the ledger, and is a balanced parenting style. It’s really a give and take situation in which all parties have equal input and come up with the best solutions as how to act and handle certain situations. It can be the most rewarding of them all if the environment is balanced. It doesn’t take a mother and a father to make this successful. That is a desirable trait but more Americans are getting divorced than ever before and the authoritative style of parenting seems to work in those situations.

Authoritative parents are the type that will work continuously to meet their children half-way. This means that at one end, they establish a relationship that provides nurturing responses to build the child’s self-esteem. However, this doesn’t develop into passive parenting, or a relationship that develops into a ‘friendship style.’ There are still expectations for the children to do specific things, follow the rules of the household and to develop the necessary disciplines to be effective in their life. The result is a balanced way of teaching children how to approach situations in their life. While this style of parenting is known to be one of the most difficult, it is also the most effective.

One of the important concepts to link to authoritative parenting is the ability to establish policies that are effective in the household. The major trick to this is to make sure that there is room to move within these policies. For example, if you have asked your child to clean their room, but something occurs that stops them from this, you can change the policy just enough to help adjust under the circumstances. These adjustments may be because of personalities or simply because something has happened. The balance is to create rules that every child understands, but not to make them so rigid that a child is not able to gain their own independence. The result is a two-way relationship, based off of clear communication and an understanding of what is acceptable.

If you are working towards this method, you can do specific things to ensure its success. For example, if you have asked that something is done, but the child rebels, you can help them to develop by asking them why and allowing them a place to speak before the rule is changed. This will give you the flexibility that you need in order to help your child develop while keeping an understanding that the rules are the foundation of the household. More than anything, it is important that the parents not only develop this flexibility, but also follow by the rules of the household themselves. Providing an example for the children creates a communication and understanding that the rules of the house are balanced and fair.

Another practical step to creating an authoritative household is to build a structure. Setting rules and limits that are the foundation of the household is the beginning to this. The child should learn that if they don’t follow these actions, there will be consequences. This can further be developed by setting schedules and organization for the children. This will provide them with a support system that builds into stability and discipline. Even though this may seem harsh, it actually creates a sense of security for the children, as well as an overall better environment. Children want to feel stable by having set rules that they can work with. They also want to know that these rules can be questioned and talked about.

The thin line between authoritative parenting and other parenting is that there is room to move. If there is a question about the schedules and organization, the children will have the right to approach their parents about these questions. The parents, in turn, will not ignore them or punish them for asking, but will respond and value the voice that is being heard. This allows children to feel safe with their own independence. At the same time, parents have a direct understanding that the children are developing ways to speak about their emotions and ideas, meaning that it is important to listen to.

In the end, both the child’s side and the parent’s sides are spoken about. The decisions that are made from this are made as a collective whole. While the children have a place that allows for independence and changes in the rules, the parents will also have an input that describes why certain ideals are in place in the household. This will create a balanced relationship with communicating what is being felt on both sides, leaving the final decisions with complete understanding of what is happening.

Authoritative parenting is based on the idea of communicating as a team. There is room for both discipline and independence. Children are able to develop emotionally and with their ideas and parents are able to balance out the rules of the household. Everyone is able to develop with their personalities and ideals, creating a safe place for the entire family.

If you’re reading this right now and you’d like to learn more great parenting tips and strategies for raising happy children who have great relationships with you, then I highly recommend “Positive Parenting” which you can get today by clicking here.

You can reprint the above article provided all content, the links, and resource box remain unchanged.

Joshua Uebergang can give you more great parenting advice and tips for improving your relationships with your children.